# The stages of narcissistic psychological warfare There are eight predictable stages every victim will experience with [a narcissist](mind-neurodivergence-clusterb-narcissist.md). - The length and severity of these stages are highly dependent on how the victim responds to them. The victims most harmed by narcissist abuse are, in some way, [unaware](mind-awareness.md) of that abuser's behavior. - Sometimes they've normalized narcissistic abuse from their [childhood](hardship-family.md). - Other times, they weren't sufficiently socialized as a child to understand appropriate human behavior (e.g., [autism](mind-neurodivergence-autism.md)). - Many times, they're aware of the behavior, but they dismiss the boundary violations because they dismiss the abuser's boundary violations as a [failed understanding](understanding.md) or lack of [education](education.md). It's worth noting that most people, at some point in their life, have conducted some form of [narcissistic abuse](hardship-abuse.md). - This is sometimes [habitual](habits.md) from upbringing, and is usually not a complete or conscious effort. - Most of the time, people face a [moral](morality.md) redemption by admitting their abuse, but [Cluster B personality disorders](mind-neurodivergence-clusterb.md) are incapable of admitting fault in this particular endeavor. - The ubiquity of this arrangement is part of why society has a difficult time identifying narcissistic abuse (and thereby perpetuating the cycle through inaction). Most Cluster B personalities are *not* actively aware of these stages, though they are often aware of the [moral](morality.md) consequences of what they're doing to their victims. - They are constantly testing their victims, but consider it a necessary part of establishing their [identity](people-identity.md). ## 1. Indoctrination ("Idealization phase" or "intrusive friendship") They construct a false persona designed to reflect the victim's preferences ("love-bombing"). - They make elaborate promises about the future. - They initiate premature intimacy ("sex-bombing"). - They isolate the victim from outside perspectives. This comes because the abuser is seeking more "narcissistic supply". - They're not getting their needs met from their previous supply, so they need someone new. All of this happens before the abuse starts. - At this stage, this abuser is truly wonderful, and if the impression were true, they'd be a wonderful life partner, business partner, employee, church leader, etc. - This is also called "mirroring", since they're doing everything according to what they think the other person wants. - Often, they'll make dramatic promises of a wonderful future together ("future faking") - The only indication at all about the risks beyond this is through small elements of [testing boundaries](people-boundaries.md). The victim will have to be [street smart enough](safety-streetsmart.md) to pick up the alienating cues amidst the charm. - Depending on the abuser's experience, they'll push past the limits of their victim, then see how much the victim will accept their not-quite-apology. - This, sadly, often requires that a victim had gone through the stages of narcissism with someone else. The abuser will often be *very* extravagant in their generosity: - Publicly giving excessive gifts (e.g., writing checks for large amounts, givign a car, etc.) At the same time, they'll often perform an underhanded move in all that generosity: - The gifts they give may be something they know that someone else hates or that they themselves like. - They'll perform a "jest" by giving some type of praise for individuals, but by using an embarrassing or less-than-flattering representation. - They'll wish a happy birthday at the very last minute or a few days late without apology. Key indicators of possible narcissism in a casual setting: - Unusually dark humor - Unusually rapid intensification of a [friendship](people-friends.md) (though may be [ASD](mind-neurodivergence-autism.md)) - Tendency to dominate conversations (though may be [ASD](mind-neurodivergence-autism.md)) - Inability to graciously take a joke at their expense - Discrepancy between the appearance and actions of kindness (e.g., friendly at a party, but takes the last piece of something) - Humble-bragging (i.e., [stories](stories-why.md) that sound self-deprecating but promote them in some way) ## 2. Psychological breakdown They become emotionally unavailable. - They start becoming more distant and cold toward the victim, but will also sometimes give enough attention to keep someone hoping for change ("breadcrumbing"). - At this point, they'll start making the victim think they're crazy ("gaslighting"). This is because the abuser has a hard time understanding "external objects". - Their mind is incapable of understanding that other people are entirely free to do something beyond their control. - While at first they were conforming their [identity](people-identity.md) to their supply, the abuser is starting to see that it's not possible to fully merge with the other person (or people, in the case of [cults](people-culture-cults.md)). This experience will be so severe that the victim will question their sanity. - "I must be doing something wrong to make them behave this way." - "I remember what I saw, but I can't be sure since they said it wasn't." The victim will resist this to the degree they can maintain their hold on [reality](reality.md) and their [identity](people-identity.md). - A huge portion of this reality is through others' support, but Stage 2 drove others out already. - This can also be resisted if they have a [spiritual identity](theology-godandman.md) where they know they're loved. ## 3. Psychological enslavement They systematically create dependency across all domains of the victim's life: - Neurological: they've provoked bonding that feels like an [addiction](addiction.md) to the victim through cycles of terror and relief ("trauma bonding") - Emotional: they are the victim's only source of [emotional](mind-feelings.md) validation - Financial: they take control of all the victim's [money](money-3_budget.md) - Practical: they have control over the victim's home - Social: they removed the victim's support system - Psychological: they've made the victim no longer trust their own mind This effort is the consequence of the abuser trying to maintain [control](power.md). - They now subconsciously know that they can't fully integrate with their victim, so they try to dominate their victim in the hopes of making the victim integrate with *them*. The effectiveness of this all depends on the talent and desire of the abuser. - Most of the time, it isn't a totality of control, but they'll continually exercise [shame](mind-feelings-shame.md) over any control the victim refuses to give up. - The abuser will configure many small actions to make the victim keep thinking about them. - Beginning tasks and not finishing them - Breaking things and not cleaning it up right away - Moving things without permission - Violating boundaries and pretending those boundaries didn't exist - Ending conversations without creating a resolution The victim's ability to disregard shame and [set good boundaries](people-boundaries.md) determines how well they'll resist this stage. - The only way they set good boundaries, though, comes through how much of reality that they can accept, which was at least partly dismantled in Stage 3. - Without boundaries, they'll see their abuser as both their threat and safety, which will override rational decision-making. ## 4. Mental reprogramming They rewrite the victim's entire perception of reality by [influencing](power-influence.md) the other person toward falsehoods ("neurological battery"): - The victim deserves mistreatment. - The abuser is the victim. - The victim has no other options. - The victim effectively sees the abuser as the only decider of truth. The abuser has at least somewhat succeeded in gaining control over the victim's abilities, and is now moving to their mind. - This is the continued effort to merge the discrepancy between their mind and their victim's. One of the abuser's most manipulative behaviors comes through a "double-bind", which is a context where the victim can't make any [decision](mind-decisions.md) without doing something the abuser can deem as wrong: 1. The abuser has isolated the victim from sufficient information to answer a question. 2. The abuser approaches the victim with a binary this/that question ("traps"). - The abuser will have an accusation and condemnation prepared for both possibilities. - e.g., they ask if you want to eat out and criticize you for bad [money management](money-1_why.md) if you do and for never [having fun](fun.md) if you don't. 3. When the victim answers, the abuser will use fear, obligation or guilt (FOG) to get what they want. 4. Over time, this can expand to discrepancies in the abuser's preference versus what they verbally state ("mixed signals") or standards that contradict each other ("double standards"). - e.g., they say you need to be more assertive, then call you a bully when you set [good boundaries](people-boundaries.md). - e.g., they criticize you for not thinking of them, then criticize you at some other time for not giving them space. This only works to the effect that the abuser has them alone without competing views. - Often, [education](education.md) and casual [friends](people-friends.md) can deter this, but the victim will often [habituate](habits.md) away from those experiences. Many times, this expresses through the victim doing things for the abuser. - At least at first, they'll profusely thank their victim for the tasks they do, then slowly give less praise until that person is [habitually](habits.md) doing what's expected of them without praise. - The tasks can involve anything that the abuser could just as well do themselves: - [Doing their chores](home-housekeeping.md) or [cooking for them](cooking.md) - Lending them things - Paying their bills or [paying off their debts](money-2_debt.md) - Proofreading their writing - This can also mean they'll apologize first, hide their flaws from others, and manage anything they don't want to deal with. - While this may *look* like [love](people-love.md) from an outside perspective, it's almost entirely one-sided. - Except in the case of [parenting](parenting-children.md), there should be some level of give-and-take as part of the [social contract of human interaction](people-contracts.md). - Often, they'll either pretend to do equivalent tasks to their victim or assist at the last minute of the task to appear helpful. - They will also often behave as if they are maintaining their lifestyle to outsiders (e.g., appearing to budget the money when company arrives). While the victim feels used and abused (even if they're not aware), this is the high point for the abuser, and they will often try to maintain this state or reproduce it in others. - Due to social skills and attitude, the covert narcissist will have more trouble with this stage than the overt narcissist, and this can contribute heavily to their mood swings. ## 5. Psychological punishment While it happened subtly before, the abuser ramps up the [conditioned response](habits.md) they had done: - The trigger happens whenever the victim tries to set a good boundary: - Ignore their influence - Assert independence - Resist their behaviors - Set boundaries - Stop doing what they can do themselves - The mechanism is systematic psychological violence designed to break them down: - Disproportionate [escalation](people-conflicts.md) that can become rage, threats, or violence - Silent treatment - Financial retaliation - Threats to the victim's children - Sexual coercion - Public humiliation - The abuser's desired result is for them to admit that resistance isn't worth the effort. At some specific point in time, the victim has now started to recognize the abuser's tactics. - The victim isn't entirely aware yet of the effects of the abuser's behavior, but they feel something is very wrong and are trying to [set boundaries](people-boundaries.md). - The abuser, by contrast, is [terrified](mind-feelings-fear.md) of losing control, so they push back. - One philosophical delusion they maintain is that more control makes it easier to control even more. - Like any other human endeavor, a power dynamic is a [trend](people-trends.md), so more control means the trend has reached its peak. - However, the abuser's mind is distorted enough to believe they'll finally dominate as they come closer to the end (e.g., 60% control has 40% left over, while 90% control only requires 10% more). This often comes through [shame](mind-feelings-shame.md) over how much they contribute. - Many of these "contributions", however, can't be validated or are legitimately discrepant from the victim's contributions. The victim will often persist in this environment because they will recollect when things were better ("rosy retrospection"). The only way this ends is through several awful possibilities: 1. Full submission and acceptance, which moves to Stage 6. 2. Full rebellion through narcissistic behavior thrown back at them, which leads to Stage 2 again, but with further shame to break them down as "the real abuser". - If the rebellion is successful, the victim will often demonstrate the same behavior with others later, perpetuating the cycle. 3. Direct intervention by a third party or [severe hardship](hardship.md). ## 6. Psychological submission The victim has now accepted that setting good boundaries or resisting the abuser's [influence](power-influence.md) is impossible ("psychological homicide" or "mortification"). - It becomes learned helplessness. - At this point, the victim has been stripped of all [identity](people-identity.md) and [meaning](meaning.md) and sees their entire existence as being the fulfillment of the abuser. - This can often represent [sexually](relationships-sex.md) in the form of fetishes, and can physically manifest itself as well (e.g., pedophilia). In this situation, the abuser and victim have reached a type of [compromise](people-conflicts-negotiation.md). - The victim has accepted that they can't honor healthy boundaries with the abuser. - The abuser has accepted that, at the present time, they can't fully integrate with the victim. - This stage persists as long as the victim fulfills the abuser's narcissistic supply. Sadly, the [personality](people-personality.md) of the victim determines whether it moves to Stage 7 or ends in something violent (e.g., murder, suicide, murder-suicide). ## 7. Psychological captivity This is a holding pattern with the abuser and victim: - The victim will become increasingly distraught over this arrangement, but will persist in it while feeling trapped. - The abuser, however, is satisfied but feels they're losing control. Any time the abuser feels dissatisfied with their supply, they'll simply cycle back to Stages 1-5: 1. Reinforce kindness to give hope. 2. Constant gaslighting to prevent them from discovering the truth. 3. Removing their support to prevent them from fleeing. 4. [Lying](people-lying.md) to maintain their [consent](people-contracts.md). 5. Punishment to keep them submissive. Assuming the victim doesn't respond with the rebellion in Stage 5, the victim will slowly gain wisdom about their abuser. 1. They'll start giving up hope the abuser will ever change. 2. They'll discover truths that make the abuser's gaslighting ineffective. 3. They'll experience the rest of the world enough that they'll push against the abuser's effort to shut them out. 4. They'll see the abuser's lies for what they are. 5. They'll see the punishment in the context of the manipulation that drives it. When the abuser sees they're losing [influence](power-influence.md) that can't be regained, they'll move to Stage 8. ## 8. Destruction and erasure (aka "discard") The abuser will systematically destroy and discard their victim when they're done with them. - They will retell the events of an experience, but will rearrange or omit a few details to make them the hero or victim. - Their [stories](stories-why.md) will be compelling, especially since they are often self-deluded into believing their version of the story. - When adverse events *do* factually occur, they are very good at [advertising](marketing.md) their victimhood by embellishing the truth. - This is very effective because of the skills to [appear](people-image.md) charming and attractive mentioned in Stage 1. The abuser cannot understand "external objects", so they will try to "erase" anyone they can't integrate. - The abuser will have tremendous [anger](mind-feelings-anger.md) at their victim not giving them what they want, and they will viciously blame their victim for their pain. - Beyond the standard experience of [rejection](hardship-solitude.md), narcissistic personalities are forced to constantly keep trying to forget their former victim's presence and then are re-reminded of that victim's behavior every time the victim re-encounters them. - This can become especially toxic when the victim must still be present with the abuser (e.g., workplace, [marriage](relationships-marriage-conflicts.md)) and creates the basis for many forms of violence. The cruelty of a narcissistic discard is relentless. - The abuser is facing "narcissistic collapse", where their [identity](people-identity.md) is disappearing in their mind. - At this stage, [borderline personalities](mind-neurodivergence-clusterb.md) become covert narcissists, and narcissists become [secondary psychopathy](mind-neurodivergence.md). - Many times, they will plan ahead of time for many months before performing any public expression of their true sentiments. - The abuser will try to destroy absolutely everything associated with their victim to maximize the destruction they can cause. - This is their attempt to feel some sense of importance, even in their absence ("I know they won't forget about me now!"). - This will include every relationship, resource, and even the victim's sense of reality If the abuser is intelligent or experienced, they can exploit behaviors in their victims to justify their discard: - Prodding their victims to yell, act out, or otherwise misbehave. - Provoking their victims to domestic violence. - Using a [politically advantageous demographic](politics-leftism.md) for their benefit (e.g., leveraging being [a female](people-gender.md) or African American). At this point, the victim's best decision is to [learn to heal](hardship-abuse.md) ## Recap To put in very unsophisticated terms: 1. They look nice. 2. They gaslight you. 3. They make you depend on them. 4. They make themselves God to you. 5. They punish you for resisting. 6. You give up. 7. They keep at it until you wake up. 8. They destroy everything they can about you and then ghost you. In all of this, the following are at risk of the abuser stealing or destroying: - The victim's [mental health](hardship-abuse-narcissist.md), including their [self-esteem](people-identity.md) - The victim's reputation - The victim's wealth - The victim's relationships with [friends](people-friends.md) and [family](people-family.md) - When the [stress](mind-feelings-happiness-stress.md) is severe and chronic enough, the victim's [physical health](body-health.md).