# How to handle divorce

Divorce is the destruction of the most basic institution of human connection.

- It's impossible to *not* be heavily affected by a divorce, even if you're the one filing for it.

## What to do when you're divorcing

Your life with that person is over, and you must accept that:

- Even if your ex-spouse wants you back, after a few years they won't be that person you knew anymore.
- Very likely, the reason they left was *because* they're not the person you knew.

Every relationship with your family and friends will change:

- [Your children](parenting-children.md) will endure the hardship of losing their parents for the rest of their lives.
- Your family and friends will be devastated by the news, and some will judge you for it.

If you have children in the situation, you *must* avoid mixing them further into it:

- The older a child experiences parental separation, the harder they'll take it.
- The situation is between you and your spouse, so explicitly and constantly clarify a few things:
  1. It's not their fault in any way.
  2. They can't do anything to fix it.
  3. You (and their other parent, if applicable) still love them.
- They'll likely cause more trouble in their reactions to the change, so scale back your discipline with them.
  - They're very anxious and angry because you've destroyed the foundation for their entire existence.
  - If they developmentally regress or lash out, they're often trying to recreate the "old" situation to get their other parent back.
  - They must figure out their own healthy perspective of the world, but their minds aren't equipped to do it.
  - Your divorce has eroded any authority you once had with them.
- Most of their innocence will disappear by the time the divorce is settled, so be *completely* honest with them about *everything*.
  - They can handle the truth, but [lies](people-lying.md) will destroy your relationship with them later.
  - Even if you want to protect them or yourself, they will likely find out because their [feelings](mind-feelings.md) are more affected by it than you.
- When changing custody with the other parent, symbolically associate the timing with a portion of the routine (such as after lunch), and *not* what the clock says.
  - If interaction with your ex is particularly hostile, do it in a public place or outside a police station.
- The more you can add new lifestyle elements, the easier they'll transition into a new way of life.
  - Having a "substitute" father or mother (i.e., other family) can allay some of their anxieties, though it'll never be perfect.
- If there was a ton of fighting before the divorce, some kids will actually see a divorce as a *relief*.

After you've grieved for a long while, you can start again:

- Once the pain has worn off, get back in the [dating](relationships-dating.md) world if you don't have [religious reservations](church-family.md) against it.
  - Pay close attention to the kind of person you're attracted to, especially if they're either just like or the opposite of your ex.
- You're guaranteed to have a "rebound" relationship, so don't take *anything* seriously or steadily for at least 2--3 years.

## How to work through divorcing parents

Even if you're in your 40s, you'll feel like your world is falling apart:

- This won't be any simpler with all the new people involved in the situation:
  - Lawyers
  - Well-meaning relatives
  - Possible boyfriend/girlfriend of a parent
  - Social workers
  - Extended family of that parent's new partner

It's natural to feel very unsafe, as well as the urge to fix your parents' issues:

- Your parents were the first representation of [love](people-love.md) and [order](understanding-certainty.md) in your life, and you must discover another source for your comfort and safety.
- Their problems run deeper than you could ever know (likely before you were born), and you will *not* be able to fix the situation.

Hang on and don't think much about what will happen:

- The younger you are, the more your life will flip upside-down.
- The dust will settle in the end, and that's when you can make sense of what happened.
- 2/3 of children in divorces run across major issues in their life, even after 5--10 years, so take the issues as they come.

Don't worry too much about the new unspoken rules:

- No matter what happens, you'll technically be shifting into a new [culture](people-culture.md), so don't expect to adapt to the new lifestyle right away.
- Focus on surviving and rebuilding a life of your own, *away* from either of your parents.
- In time, you'll learn to [find happiness](mind-feelings-happiness-focus.md) in spite of the chaos.