# How to help others suffering hardship

When others suffer, all you can do is support and love them as much as reasonably possible:

- If that person is in a self-inflicted situation (like an [addiction](addiction-substances.md)), only give them things that help them heal and move on from their bad lifestyle decisions.
- However, if they're a victim of a circumstance, or have completely renounced their decisions that brought them to their hardship, it's your moral duty to give to accommodate their needs as much as yours.

Most people don't know how to address others' hardship, so you're responsible if you see something:

- Contact them soon and frequently.
- Let them do most of the talking and temper sharing about yourself.
- Listen without judgment.
  - Don't give advice unless they ask for it.
  - Let silence linger while they unpack their feelings.
- In general, either communicate "I acknowledge your pain, and am here for you" or stay silent to give them room to vent.
- Repeat back to them how difficult their experience must feel.
  - Do *not* say cliché statements like "I know how you feel".
  - Avoid diminishing statements like "At least...".
- If you wish to provide your shared experience, don't interrupt their flow of thought.
  - Say something short to acknowledge empathy, like "I had that happen myself" or "I've gone through something similar".
  - If they want details, they'll ask, but they may need more time to express their feelings.
- Only offer help you know you can perform.
  - They're in a delicate situation, so they will feel betrayed if you can't pull through.
    - If, for whatever reason you fail, obsess heavily about apologizing to them as soon as possible.
  - Even if *you* can't help, you can definitely let people know about their problem who might be able to.
    - If you do let people know, let the suffering person know as well, since they may feel alone and neglected.

Avoid idiot compassion:

- Idiot compassion is when we give sympathy out of pain from seeing someone suffer instead of love for what's best for that person.
  - It focuses on that person's circumstances instead of their actions.
- This empowers others to maintain a victim mentality instead of making critical changes.
- Ask the right questions to avoid idiot compassion:
  - "What challenge are you facing?" instead of "What did they do to you?"
  - "How have you responded?" instead of "What should they have done?"
  - "How has that worked out for you?" instead of "How are they wrong?"
  - "What could you do now?" instead of "What should they do now?"
  - "If you need help, who can you ask?" instead of "Who should fix it?"
  - "What can you learn from this?" instead of "How should they be punished?"
- If someone insists on only receiving pity and doesn't want to resolve their problem, *any* effort to change them will make them hate you.