# How to release trauma

We tend to incorrectly redirect past trauma through several possible pathways:

- Be patient with yourself and your thoughts to let yourself work through the pain:
  - Visualize yourself as a small child, as well as everyone else involved.
  - Talk to yourself like you would talk to someone you [love](people-love.md).
  - Talk to yourself or a [friend](people-4_friends.md) about how you feel.
- Crying is one of the most effective ways to release trauma.
  - If you can't cry, yawning also releases stress.
- Focus on [meditative](awareness-meditation.md) deep breathing:
  1. Exhale completely.
  2. Take 4 seconds to inhale.
  3. Hold your breath for 7 seconds.
  4. Take 8 seconds to exhale, then repeat.
- Focus on [repetitive, mindless tasks](success-4_routine.md) to relieve tension:
  - [Cleaning](home-housekeeping.md) and [exercise](body-3_exercise.md) helps you feel a direct improvement.
  - Playing Tetris or other video games may help break from severe trauma, but only for a few hours at a time.
  - Avoid anything that takes a long time, is unproductive, or can be unhealthy (such as marathon game sessions or overeating).
  - Pain medicine numbs emotional pain along with physical pain, but don't self-medicate unless you're making a critical decision you can't postpone.
- If you can't break through after a few months of self-reflection, seriously consider professional psychotherapy to gain some traction.

Before anything, accept that a traumatic event has happened:

- Avoid making any additional judgments or adding any [meaning](meaning.md) to the trauma.
- Treat yourself like a [scientist](science.md) or forensic researcher trying to examine what has transpired.
- The purpose of this is to ground yourself in reality, but the pain doesn't go away and healing doesn't start until you start releasing it.

Make accommodations for the trauma, but never stop revisiting it:

- Give yourself grace over what you've experienced, but don't let yourself become a victim of your memories.
- Exposure therapy is the act of revisiting and re-experiencing trauma, and is necessary for you to heal from it.

When you are ready, release your feelings about anything you fear or resent:

- The most effective place for [meditation](awareness-meditation.md) comes through how we can better [respond to triggers](habits.md).
  - You really can't do anything about the past, nor about others' actions, and the only person suffering from holding onto those feelings is you.
  - Whenever feelings arise, learn to repeat the mantra, "I'm having an emotional reaction."
  - [Give it all to God](spiritual-exercises-prayer.md) as you encounter the experiences.
  - At the end of any meditation session, you should only be focused on what you can actually do.
- If you have any trouble, [write down](language-writing.md) "I fear...", then list those fears as they arise.
  - At the end, you should throw out or delete the list, which [symbolizes](symbols.md) that the fears don't really matter.
  - If you find anything that makes you angry, write down "I am angry at (a being or institution) because I fear..." and fill it in.
  - Often, you'll find resentments behind resentments, so be sure to list *all* of them.
  - We have the least control over our fears and resentments, so focus specifically on them instead of any other [feelings](mind-feelings.md).
  - At the end, clearly state how you're releasing them all (e.g., "...and that's okay.", "...and it doesn't matter.", "...but [God](god.md) is in control.")
- For your brain stem to register, you may need to connect your feelings to a physical action to release them.
  - Press your tongue to the back of your teeth.
  - Tense every single muscle in your body, increasing in intensity, then release all of the muscles at once.
  - [Go exercise](body-3_exercise.md).
  - Stamp your feet.
  - Play a high-reflex video game.
  - Take ten deep breaths, focusing particularly on the exhaling.
  - [Eat something](cooking.md) that's high-protein.
  - [Wash your hands with warm water or take a hot shower](people-2_image.md).
  - Give or request a hug from someone.
- Make releasing a [morning or evening practice](habits.md) to prevent any further buildup of fears or resentments.

## Forgiveness

Forgiveness is technically the final stage of releasing trauma.

There are multiple possible realms where we may not forgive:

- Past [decisions](people-decisions.md) with present consequences.
- [Goals](success-1_why.md) that weren't met.
- [Consequences](results.md) we had no control over.
- [Imagination](imagination.md) about what could have been.
- [Beliefs](trust.md) about what others expect.

Beyond others, we must also forgive ourselves.

- We are typically either *much* more or *much* less forgiving toward ourselves than others.

However, it's *not* instant, and the Enright Process captures its 4 phases:

1. Uncovering: gaining insight on an [injustice](morality.md) committed.
   - The injustice doesn't have to necessarily be real, but it must feel real.
   - The largest hurdle is in uncovering what, exactly, had happened, which requires tons of willpower and honesty.
2. Decision: committing to releasing the injustice.
   - This doesn't actually mean *doing* anything about it, but more accepting the experience isn't worth holding on to it anymore.
3. Work: taking efforts to walk through the injustice and release it.
   - The work involves gaining a more thorough mental understanding of the offender and accepting whoever that person is.
   - The result of it is a sensible realization that the offender is simply a human being, and not evil incarnate.
4. Deepening: finding a type of [meaning](meaning.md) through giving up control.
   - Contrary to *any* intuition of an unforgiving person, releasing control gives a stronger connection with others, decreases negative experiences, and can often give more purpose in the rest of life.

Accept that the trauma has permanently changed you:

- While you didn't want it, you are now a different person from the experience.
- You can't revert back to the person you were, but you can become a new person you wish to be in light of the experience you've survived.
  - It's not uncommon to develop quirks or idiosyncrasies in light of the traumatic experiences you've encountered.
- You should be "moving forward", *not* "moving on", and *can* [succeed](success-1_why.md) if you set your mind to it.

### The three forms of forgiveness

You will have to mix-and-match the three forms of forgiveness toward what has happened to you.

- If it feels too complicated to apply only one of them, [logically](logic.md) divide out the experience into smaller components that are easier to approach.

A. Exoneration

- Usually what people imply with the word "forgive", which restores the offender completely as if the event never happened.
- There are three common exoneration situations:
  1. Someone caused a legitimate accident, but not negligently.
  2. Someone didn't understand the pain they caused.
  3. The person who hurt you:
     1. Is truly sorry.
     2. Takes full responsibility without excuses.
     3. Asks for forgiveness.
     4. Genuinely doesn't want to repeat the action.
- If someone has fully apologized and is trying or has tried to make amends, you are morally responsible to exonerate them.
- If you can't forgive someone completely repentant, there may be something more wrong with you than your offender.

B. Forbearance

- A far more common situation of "trust but verify", where the offender has only partially admitted guilt.
- Forbearance is necessary when the offender:
  1. Makes a partial or potentially inauthentic apology.
  2. Mixes blame into their expression of sorrow that implies complete innocence.
- Forbear someone if you want or need to stay on acceptable terms with them:
  1. Let go of that particular offense.
  2. Remove grudges and fantasies of revenge.
  3. Stay watchful of their behavior in the future.
- With time and [love](people-love.md), forbearance can become exoneration and full forgiveness if that person [changes](people-changes.md).

C. Release

- Unlike exoneration or forbearance, release is personal separation from the offense inside the mind.
- Release is always necessary for ourselves, but especially when the offender doesn't believe they did anything wrong or gives a thoroughly insincere apology with no promise of reparations.
- Release-only situations often come from:
  - Adult child abuse survivors.
  - Victims of infidelity.
  - Betrayal from friends or family members.
- Release doesn't have many requirements:
  - You don't need a continued relationship with the offender or even another encounter with them.
  - You're only required to give up trying to "fix" what happened to you.
  - Release allows you to let go of the hurt feelings and past trauma and stop defining your life with a past wound.
- Your happiness, regardless of who wronged you or how, depends on releasing all grudges and ill intent toward anyone.
  - Release isn't forgetting, but is accepting that you now bear the consequences of something that happened outside your control.
  - If you ever [go to sleep](sleep.md) without releasing the grudge, it will encode itself into your [subconscious](awareness.md) and become harder to work through later.
  - By not releasing the old pain, those people will repeatedly re-hurt you in your mind without your permission.
  - Psychotherapy, your individual efforts, or [religion](religion-answers.md) can all get you there, but only [Christian doctrine](jesus-gospel.md) can reliably wipe away our resentments.