# How to overcome feelings of worthlessness

## Self-deception (guilt, shame, anger, et al.)

Most people were raised with a defective view of themselves from their parents, but they aren't aware of it:

- We don't become [conscious](awareness.md) of what we were taught wrongly until something mysteriously hurts us, and we can't figure out why.
- Most of the time, we'll repeat unhealthy patterns across several life stages until we notice something is wrong.

We only become mentally well and happy when we accept things for what they are instead of what we want them to be:

- Accepting things is difficult because it often requires removing preconceived notions and [forgiving](hardship-ptsd-release.md).
- Most people never accept their genuine selves and expect others to do the same.
- We only connect with others as much as we can connect with our authentic selves.
- Unfortunately, this is a *highly* personal journey everyone must take alone.

We tend to use "layers" of self-deception to self-protect, but we'll [habituate](habits.md) to them so much that we forget they're not our real selves.

A. [Toxic shame](mind-feelings-shame.md) is a complete non-acceptance of oneself:

- This can be so bad that someone can't even look at themselves from any perspective.
- This often means they can't identify or understand their inner thoughts and feelings.
- Look for detachment from the present moment:
  - Plans and plods
  - Trouble playing and [having fun](fun.md)
  - Lives in the past
  - Fearful, anxious, or depressed
  - Afraid to make [decisions](people-decisions.md)
- Note any disconnect from reality:
  - Overly theatrical
  - Overly rational or logical
  - Self-indulgent or grandiose
  - Pretending to be strong or helpless
  - Conceited or self-righteous
  - Self-centered
- Watch for inappropriate harshness:
  - Self-doubting or self-hating with a strong sense of inferiority
  - Withholding or silent
  - Conditionally loving
  - Critical, controlling, or perfectionist
  - Denies, hides, and judges feelings in self or others
  - Passive or aggressive, or both
- Pay close attention to trust issues:
  - Obsession with power and control
  - Controlling or micromanaging
  - Distrustful
  - Avoids or distrusts nurture from others
  - Believes everyone is "on their own"
  - Secretive
- Someone with toxic shame will often behave intensely:
  - Physical violence
  - Addictions of all types
  - Compulsive and repetitive behaviors
  - Personal [failures](success-5_persevering.md), as well as *trying* to fail
  - Compulsive [lying](people-lying.md)
  - Involved in unhealthy [relationships](relationships-why.md)
  - Criminal behavior

B. Cover-ups recognize personal failings, but entirely blame everyone and everything else for them:

- This is usually the approach when someone else bluntly tells them the truth.
- The cover-up generally swaps back-and-forth between blaming and denying.
- The attitude when covering up will be:
  - Judgmental
  - Perfectionist
  - Patronizing
  - Raging or angry
  - Envious
  - Blaming
  - Enabling
  - Victimizing
  - Depressed
- People who use a cover-up identity tend to:
  - Obsess about people-pleasing
  - Moralize or act religious
  - Adopt a caretaker/rescuer role with others
  - Transfer shame to others by claiming complete innocence
  - Control or micromanage

C. Rigid family/group roles try to find some sort of use by fulfilling a stereotype:

- These roles are extreme models of how a person feels they "fit in":
  - Hero, Star, Perfect One
  - Victim, Helpless Parent
  - Lost Child, "Sick One", Little Parent
  - Problem Child, Rebel, Offender, Scapegoat
  - Enabler, Surrogate Spouse, Provider
  - Mascot, Comedian
- The roles can extend to other non-family roles as well:
  - Workaholic
  - Substance Abuser
  - Judge, Critical
  - People Pleaser
  - Rescuer
  - Caretaker
  - Entertainer
  - Controller, Manipulator
  - Distrustful, Paranoid
  - Political Activist

D. Defenses identify and understand the issues, but are unwilling to accept personal responsibility for them:

- Mental defenses are very common to self-protect from pain:
  - Displacement - not living in the present
  - Disassociation - not focusing on reality
  - Denial - not acknowledging reality
  - Delusions - not living in reality
  - Repression - blocking [memories](mind-memory.md)
  - Projection - using personal experience as a broader pattern than it should be
  - Forecasting - making idealized fantasy relationships with others
- People who use mental defenses often show the same behaviors:
  - Clearly inconsistent behaviors
  - Passive-aggressive behavior (i.e., inconsistent [boundaries](people-3_respect.md))
  - Over-identification with others
  - Alienation or isolation

E. Internalized shame accepts personal responsibility, but refuses to believe they can be fixed:

- We often feel overwhelmed and react to the wrong things:
  - Feeling abandonment and rejection
  - Memories of perceived abuse and [trauma](hardship-ptsd.md)
- Many times, we'll ruthlessly blame our [parents or guardians](parenting-babies.md):
  - Rejecting
  - Absent, Neglectful
  - Indifferent, Silent
  - Hostile, Threatening
  - Abusive
  - Guilt-Tripping, Shaming
  - Smothering, Oppressive
  - Unreliable
- While they *did* fail, we'll take it harder than they ever meant it.
- When people are in a state of internalized shame, they tend to show *severe* toxic behaviors caused by their chronic exposure to misery.

F. Underneath all of our phony deceptions, we have core beliefs that arose from our dysfunctional background:

- A healthy core belief has both sufficient guilt/remorse and a strongly developed sense of self, but poor [parenting](maturity.md) never gives that.
  - Poor parenting teaches children long into adulthood that they're flawed, inadequate, defective, and "not good enough".
  - Children over-identify with this world's realities and define who they really are by their actions.
- Uncovering and accepting the authentic self is overwhelming because feelings are meshing with reality.
  - Generally, highly talented people can hide their feelings of inadequacy for a very long time.
  - People will be extremely fragile as they identify key parts of how they came to certain beliefs.

Our authentic self has a solid connection between thoughts, feelings, desires, and actions:

- An authentic person sees themselves as having value and worthy of love, irrespective of actions.
- Authentic people love themselves with a gentle, motivational attitude.
- Authentic thought means *all* ideas are legitimate until proven false.
  - As reality shows itself, beliefs change in a timely way.
- Authentic feelings have time to grieve, feel, suffer, and recuperate.
- The consequences of the authentic self are liberating:
  - It's easy to adapt to changing circumstances.
  - [Setbacks](success-5_persevering.md) are easy to recover from.
  - Thoughts and feelings are expressed without restraint beyond [social standards](people-rules.md).

First, to find your authentic self, focus on finding and stopping self-effacing [mantras](habits.md):

- I'm worthless.
- I'm not worthy of loving anyone.
- Nobody wants me.
- I'm alone.
- People always take advantage of me.
- Nobody loves me.
- Nobody cares about me.
- I'm not needed.
- My opinion doesn't matter.
- I'm hated.
- Everyone lies to me.
- I'm ugly.
- It's hopeless.
- I'm not good enough.
- I'm not happy.
- I'm cruel.
- I already know what the answer will be.
- I'm a bad person.
- I can't make a good wife/husband.
- I can't be a good mother/father.
- I'm a child.
- I'm stupid.
- I'm not qualified.
- I shouldn't bother.
- I'm a moron.
- I'm a terrible friend.
- I'm a burden.
- I can't get anything right.
- It's too late for me to do it.

Next, identify all the self-deceptions:

- Because it's a type of "performance", it won't adapt quickly to the natural changes in reality.
- A false self [triggers](habits.md) from many sources, with no predictable pattern:
  - Facial expressions
  - Smells
  - Sounds
  - Someone else's actions
- Learn to detect the false selves as they appear in yourself and others.
  - Can't respect self or others.
  - Distorted view of self that doesn't self-love *and* accept mistakes.
  - Distorted view of others that falsely presumes others believe or feel things.
  - Consistently unfair standards with others and self.
  - Driven by fear, either toward helplessness or hypervigilance.
  - Black-and-white, all-or-nothing thinking, especially regarding [conflicts](people-5_conflicts.md) and [success](success-1_why.md).
- One of the most horrifying personas people adopt is the "life of the party" facade:
  - While they hide it well, the lively and enjoyable conversation is meant to control the conversation, *not* [make friends](people-4_friends.md) or build relationships.
    - It keeps the conversation topic in an area that feels safe and doesn't provoke [change](people-changes.md).
    - They can maintain emotional distance while also keeping a good reputation with others.
  - You can usually detect the facade by pressing on an important, serious [conflict](people-5_conflicts.md).
  - There are other variations to "life of the party" like incessantly talking, using many large words, or speaking with lots of [trade-based jargon](glossary-legal.md).

Third, identify the self-lies that created those layers:

- We must identify how we lie to ourselves and accept that they're lies.
  - We're identifying these things to forgive ourselves as we discover the lies we've believed.
- This will feel very uncomfortable, but will also be liberating.
- Be careful with the facades you detect from others, since you can *severely* destroy your relationship with entire communities if you're not careful.

Finally, expose yourself (or them) to pain that draws out the situation:

- Start exposing defenses and cover-ups.
  - The most effective way to demonstrate the authentic self is through feeling legitimate pain, then following where it leads after the first shock passes.
- Look at any behavior, roles, and defenses that go against any of the following statements:
  1. I am worthy of love.
  2. I am flawed.
  3. I can change.
- If you're trying to expose self-deceptions in others, you *must* be [tactful and gracious](people-3_respect.md) with them.
  - Expect them to hate you.
- With enough time and energy, you'll break through to an authentic self.
  - If other people aren't willing to be authentic, either learn to be patient with them or abandon the relationship.

## Suicide

Self-hatred is when we take life's natural stressors *very* personally:

- If you've [learned](understanding.md) from it and legitimately changed, it's not part of you anymore.
- Most people may have trouble forgiving you and moving on, but you *can't* let that affect you.
- If you want to commit suicide, you simply want to stop suffering and would be happy to take [*any* other option](mind-feelings-happiness-stress.md).

If you hate yourself, accept that your beliefs about yourself are wrong:

- You're a complex, unique person who has a lot to offer.
- Even if you feel you're trash, life itself is a remarkably ordered thing, and you're temporarily blinded to it by your self-reflection.
- Unfortunately, because of your [misery](mind-feelings-happiness-perma.md), most people are afraid to tell you how wrong your self-valuation is because you may take it the wrong way.
  - To put it very bluntly, your despair comes from being self-absorbed.

Invert your problem:

- If you're starting to contemplate suicide, ask what exactly has prevented you from doing it yet.
- When you get past the [fear](mind-feelings-fear.md), [regret, and shame](mind-feelings-shame.md), you *do* value something of yourself in the mix of everything.
- Focus on what you value in yourself and find ways to make [small movements](success-3_goals.md) that foster [the positive side of things](mind-feelings-happiness-focus.md).

You can't do it alone:

- Most people who become suicidal have failed to receive help from others when they needed support.
- Spend more time around people, and open up more about your experiences.