# How to overcome hardship

## How do I cope?

Life can be brutally unfair:

- Every time we experience an unhealthy action as if it were healthy, we incur a social "debt", which will be collected without notice at a future time if we don't learn beforehand (e.g., we get away with misbehaving against [social rules](people-rules.md), [abuse of a substance](addiction-substances.md) without adverse effects).
- Sometimes, we're born into a home that doesn't teach us what we must learn or understand.
- Other times, we get what we deserve, but it's far too harsh.
- Even other times, we've [succeeded](success-1_why.md) spectacularly, but we are punished for things beyond our control.
- Sometimes, we're simply [unlucky](unknown.md).
- In the mix of this, people can also [discriminate](hardship-discrimination.md) against us because of wrong beliefs, such as our race or decisions we made *decades* ago.

Do *not* take any of your hardships personally:

- Your way of thinking was originally established by your parents/guardians and genetics.
- When you made bad decisions, you didn't know what you know now, and would make that decision differently if you could relive the experience.
- You can make decisions with what you have, *not* what you ought to have done.

If others judge you, treat their behavior as part of the package of your current hardship.

- When people judge you, they're boxing you into a category of something sub-human, but they do it to *everyone* in that situation like you, and it's nothing worth [identifying with](identity.md).
- Others' harsh behaviors are often self-protective measures that have veered into excess.
- You are [responsible](meaning.md) to [fix what you broke](https://adequate.life/fix/) and [alienate yourself](people-changes.md) from the decisions that created your situation.
  - You are *not* responsible for how others think about you.

People will use projection, transference, and poor self-management skills to behave inappropriately toward you:

- People will project their [feelings](mind-feelings.md) onto you:
  - Criticism often comes from feeling shame.
  - Unsolicited advice often comes from regret.
  - Avoiding is frequently the result of insecurities.
  - Even *selfless behavior* that harms you can often come from feelings of guilt.
- [Trauma](hardship-ptsd.md) will often transfer to you:
  - Over-reaction is usually from other people that hurt them before you came along.
  - Trust issues are often unspoken (and often [unaware](awareness.md)) expectations.
- Many people project their poor self-management onto others:
  - Blame is often from poor anger management skills.
  - Anxiety is frequently from not being able to see the big picture.
  - Doubt and prejudice is often from a lack of [understanding](understanding.md).
- Plus, all of the above behaviors are usually caused by things they are *[completely unaware about](awareness.md)*.
- And, in all of this, some people *will* use shame and guilt to [control you](power-types.md).

Whatever happened, *you* must control how it'll influence you:

- If you don't take control of your [identity](identity.md), your awful experience will force you into an extreme:
  - You will be driven into an endless pit of self-loathing or blame and, eventually, bitterness.
  - You'll disassociate from the experience, not learn from it, and slowly develop [narcissistic traits](mind-neurodivergence.md)
- By not taking responsibility for yourself and your decisions, you permit the hardship to keep running its course after the events are over, along with any further [evil](morality-evil.md) anyone has committed against you.

In [the unknown](unknown.md), look for God:

- The answers to *what* to do are painfully straightforward, but *how* to accomplish it is frequently impossible without faith.
- More precisely, trusting in [the God of the Bible](https://theologos.site/devotion-chaos/) is the most reliable way to find peace in the middle of any hardship.

## Understand who you are

You're the chaotic accumulation of various experiences and responses:

- Everything you started with and had no control over:
  - Race, ethnicity, and family's geographical location
  - Specific family of origin and health
  - Dispositional elements like personality and preferences
  - Natural talents and weaknesses
  - Culture of origin including [habits](habits.md), traditions, and rituals
- Every experience you've been through, good or bad
- Each [decision](people-decisions.md) you've made, with each one creating some type of [consequence](results.md).
  - Further, the things you've [learned](understanding.md) from those experiences.
- [Habits](habits.md) you've accumulated from all of the above, which you only have partial control over when you're [aware](awareness.md) of them.
- Nobody is quite like you, so nobody else matters much for comparison.

Thus, you are not a "static" existence:

- You're a changing, dynamic person, with the thing called "You" being a vast set of experiences made by various iterations of "Past You".
  - Your muscles are constantly breaking down or healing.
  - You can't have the same thought twice.
- You have less in common with the version of you 10 years ago than with your peers.
- Every [decision](people-decisions.md) you make from this point dictates who "Future You" can become.

If you don't remove "static" thinking, you're guaranteed to become (and stay) a "victim":

- Difficulties have hit you, and you're now reaping severely painful consequences.
- Even though it might not have been your fault, you're still responsible to change from it.
- You must replace your "victim" identity with a more powerful one like "overcomer", "persevering", "conqueror", "adaptable", "changing" or "resilient".

Ignorant people will judge you for your hardship, and you must decide to either define yourself by how much your closest friends love you, or how little your enemies hate you.

Life is guaranteed to be difficult, but we get to [choose](people-decisions.md) what version of difficult we can experience.

Give yourself plenty of grace:

- Your experience was devastating, and it'll interfere with your ability to perform familiar things.
- Don't make [plans](success-3_goals.md) or expect much from yourself, at least until the initial wave of emotional shock wears off.

## Don't let feelings define you

We can't control our [feelings](mind-feelings.md) directly, but we *can* control our [beliefs](trust.md) that frame those feelings:

- We tend to fall into a state of "temporary insanity" when we experience severe pain, anger, sadness, or anxiety.
- The more we live in that situation, the more that temporary state defines us.
- Instead, we must stand on what we know, especially if it's true and good.

It's our nature to make stories about how the situation has played out, but *never* do that in the midst of any hardship:

- When we suffer, we often tend to make a [story](stories.md) of our experiences that ends in "now".
  - Further, if we dwell on it, we tend to make stories based on that miserable story to imagine all the possible *future* bad stories that could happen.
- You're in the middle of the story, and *every* good story has an awful middle.
- The [stress](mind-feelings-happiness-stress.md) of your experiences means you must think of yourself as "temporarily insane".

The only cure to stopping the "temporary insanity" of emotional overwhelm is self-analysis and release:

1. Stop what we're doing.
2. Calm down.
3. [Take an in-depth look inside](awareness.md).
4. Analyze what's really going on inside us.
5. Precisely and fully give up what we can't control (preferably [to God](spiritual-exercises-prayer.md)).
6. From that place, focus more closely on what we do have control.

Most professional therapists are simply assisting with our self-analysis process:

- Their goal is to equip you with information (and sometimes medication or [habits](habits.md)) that empower you to stop reacting to your self-destructive [feelings](mind-feelings.md) and make better [decisions](people-decisions.md).
- While psychological therapy is often worth it, it's not for everyone:
  - Being [poor](money-1_why.md) means a professional therapist may be too expensive.
  - People with trust issues will have a hard time believing the therapist's diagnosis.
  - Ambitious people will have trouble with most modern therapeutic practices (i.e., not giving answers and expecting the person to discover it themselves).
  - Often, self-victimizing people will rely too heavily on a therapist and may become codependent, or on a [legal substance](addiction-substances.md) like antidepressants or anti-psychotics.
- If therapy isn't a sufficient approach, try a self-made approach:
  - Find a friend willing to listen through your issues.
  - Learn and research psychology, with an emphasis on developmental stages and [trauma](hardship-ptsd.md) recovery.
  - Find support groups for your problems.

## Focus on reality

When you suffer, it's easy to escape:

- There are a vast variety of [substances](addiction-substances.md) that allow us to numb the pain or hide away from it.
- While it creates a temporary refuge from the pain, it's a major detriment to long-term [happiness](mind-feelings-happiness.md).
- Very frequently, once we start the habit of escaping from the pain, we will cycle through various substances.

The only way to make any positive change requires blatant self-enforced honesty about reality:

- Chronic media consumption (TV, games, etc.) will burn up the already short life we have.
- Substance abuse causes long-term health issues, as well as sabotaging our mind's ability to self-discipline thoughts.
- Shifting from the present moment makes us habitually inattentive.
- Socializing to avoid what we should think about makes us shallow and petty through a constant rush of endorphins.
- Alienating to avoid confronting the issues we must encounter burns bridges to healthy solutions that we would have had otherwise.
- If you don't face reality, you'll block and repress it.

Learn gratitude for what you *do* have:

- Unless we find some sort of satisfaction with what we still have (or expect to have), we will live in despair.
- Neurologically, the brain's response to anxiety and gratitude are in the same place, which means we can't be anxious if we're grateful (which also validates [Philippians 4:6](https://biblehub.com/philippians/4-6.htm)).
- No matter how dismal you feel, your loss is built on a blessing.
  - Your spouse or son dying means you were blessed with them for a time.
  - If you're now disabled, you could have died.
  - If you're dying, you've had the blessing of life.
  - People who leave and betray you open up new opportunities.
  - Even if you've suffered a war, your entire family and all your friends are dead, the enemy forces took over, and you're now a slave to a punitive master, you're still alive.
- And, after all the above, your situation by comparison may not be as bad as you feel.
- The scope of the hardship has unspoken advantages.
  - If it's a personal hardship (e.g., [homelessness](hardship-homeless.md), [PTSD](hardship-ptsd.md)) you have the advantage of not depending on other people to make changes.
  - If it's a large-scale hardship (e.g., [persecution](hardship-persecution.md)) you have others available for emotional support and finding [creative](mind-creativity.md) ways to [fix](https://adequate.life/fix/) your issue.

Compared to an escape, though, reality is painful:

- When the hardship imposes itself, we frequently have zero control over the trauma and suffering it brings.
- By accepting reality has happened, we open ourselves to the possibility of making *some* sort of reliable change to it.
- In the short-term, coldly accepting reality is more painful than escaping it, but the long-term returns are exponentially better.
- Sometimes, we may need to work our way to acceptance, and we must give ourselves grace for our weaknesses.

However, we don't need to accept *all* the painful realities at once:

- We only need to focus on the scope of reality that sits within our direct control.
- Any further than what we can emotionally withstand will create unbelievable anxiety and distress.
- Depending on the situation, this may require observing reality second-by-second.
- This is increasingly difficult in proportion to our [intelligence](personality.md) and [understanding](understanding.md).

The world of possibilities is never reality:

- You have no idea what could have happened if things were different.
- Any regrets or shock about possible decisions you could have made are not rational.

To accept and focus on reality, [stay centered on "now"](awareness.md):

1. Only focus on the following:
   - The present day
   - The things you can touch or interact with
   - People you are communicating with right now or later today
   - The next time you must be somewhere
   - The very next task you must do
2. If your mind starts drifting, focus back onto what is present.
3. Then, repeat it the next day.

Getting to a place of "perpetual present-ness" requires self-disciplining ourselves to constantly release everything else:

- While it's absolutely a worthwhile endeavor to find [God](god.md) in the darkest places of our lives, many people have released control without any religious components.
  - It's worth noting that legitimate spiritual experiences are more likely to happen while under severe hardship, so that's the best time to discover God.
- If anything keeps floating into your consciousness, [write it out](language-writing.md) plainly and thoroughly to get a [grasp](understanding.md) of what that thing is.
- Even when things are terrible, you can find [meaning](meaning.md) in suffering through focusing strictly on what you're responsible for.

## Beyond now, focus on hope

We all require hope to keep moving forward:

- No matter how bleak the situation, we can persist if we can believe in a better future.
- But, without that hope, even slight inconveniences will tear us apart.

Most people grow up habituated toward a certain amount of hope, but not everyone has that luxury:

- If you don't have enough hope, you *must* consciously build it.
- Without hope, you will either become impulsive or emotionally implode.

Wherever we are, we can add hope to our lives:

- Read inspiring stories or [the Bible](bible.md).
- [Meditate](awareness-meditation.md.md).
- Perform a small task toward a [goal](success-3_goals.md) you want to accomplish.
- [Spend time around others](people-4_friends.md) who are doing as badly or worse than you.
- [Exercise](body-3_exercise.md) to let out the stress.

Work tenaciously to avoid things that will sabotage hope:

- Avoid stories of people in a situation that is similar but *less* severe than yours.
- Miserable people will drag you down, especially if they abuse any [substances](addiction-substances.md).
- Push away from friends and family who constantly try to "fix" your situation without empathy.
- Don't read post-modern philosophy, since it has no constructive value that builds toward anything.
- Since it may discourage you, don't read or watch anything you have a hard time understanding.
- Don't consume any depressing media that doesn't develop toward something inspirational by the end.
- Avoid social venues that center on any of the above (e.g., [social media](networks-social.md), substance abusers, some churches).

Since you're in the problem, don't think about solving it until you're out of it.

- Even if you have a passionate ambition to change things someday, [take notes](mind-memory-notes.md) and get it out of your head.
- Holding to hope that *you* can change something isn't a safe place to trust, so [trust in God's plan](god-will.md) instead.

## Get outside help

If you're in a position of need, you *must* rely on others, even if they've never, *ever* pulled through before:

- This doesn't mean that they'll help you this time either, but you have absolutely no choice: you need people.
- Instead of dwelling on what they may do, try to find [creative solutions](mind-creativity.md) to tell people you need support.
- If those people have proven untrustworthy to support you, it may be wisest to find another network of people.
  - However, finding a new network of support while undergoing hardship is *very* risky.

When others *cause* hardship to us, we have extra difficulties because it's battling 2 things at once:

1. The [mental turmoil](conflicts-inner.md) that comes from the misery of hardship.
2. The [social conflicts](people-5_conflicts.md) that come from those other people.

And, sometimes, society itself can be aligned against you.

- While culture-sized hardship won't directly affect your intimate relationships, it can create severe and consistent [conflicts](people-5_conflicts.md) through how others may want you to behave.
- Typically, the [cultural dimension](people-culture.md) of power distance will combine with [class-specific](classes.md) cultural contexts to create a vast range of small ways you can [break social rules](morality-taboo.md).

It's also not uncommon for others' well-intended solutions to hurt you further:

- As much as possible, focus your frustration at the most specific problem possible (e.g., not all [government employees](bureaucracy.md) or [bosses](mgmt-3_teams.md) are awful human beings).

If you've been hurt by a popular solution to your problem, don't give your full opinion on it unless you're willing to take a hit to your reputation:

- Frequently, the most popular solutions to your hardship have either come from trial-and-error (and therefore need reconsideration), or they're a broad catch-all solution to something nobody wants to talk about or deal with.
- Most of the people who feel uncomfortable with your opinions are likely a partial contributor to the problem you're suffering under (even if it's through intentional non-involvement).

Even with plenty of support, you still must make difficult decisions to change.

- Recovering from devastating experiences requires *more* unpleasant experiences than what you've endured.
  - Making personal changes is already difficult *without* the burden of your experiences, but nobody but you will make that change.
- While you're free to complain and become bitter at everything for what it is, you'll have to face the same problems later but with an added habit of complaining and not acting.

## Your hardship will strain your friendships

Extreme hardship, especially when it includes poverty, often drives away close friends from before that hardship:

- [Friendship](people-4_friends.md) comes through shared experience, so you've now out-experienced the friends you once had.
- Hardship changes us, so we often become unrecognizable to family and close friends.
- Many of the friends you once had before the hardship will feel uncomfortable about the new situation and won't associate with you anymore.
- Often, the *consequences* of the hardship can alienate as well (often from prejudice or anger about your [decisions](people-decisions.md)).

You'll only find friends who can either empathize with your experiences or will love you irrespective of those experiences:

- The people who will ensure your [success](success-1_why.md) will likely come from more advantaged positions, so you will need to rely on them.
- Most people will try to relate with their experiences, and often can share the [feelings](mind-feelings.md), even if they can't relate to their severity.
- However, the ultimate compromise and most valuable source of support, if you can find them, is people who *have* been in your situation but are no longer in it.

Often, friends who share your hardship can hold you back later:

- They might drag you down into a feedback loop of shared commiseration.
  - Their resentment is usually about themselves (meaning they continue not working to fix it) or others (meaning they blame without a way to fix anything).
- To the degree we don't find answers to their source problems, rage and bitterness have the tendency to permanently destroy our wellness.
- If you want to [succeed](success-1_why.md), depending on what you want they may peer-pressure you against it.

It's not uncommon for people you once thought were your friends to become your enemies:

- The community that supported you through your hardship might not be willing to change in response to your self-improvement.
- [Group leaders](groups-small.md), especially, have trouble accepting the shifting dynamics that come from supporting someone who runs with that support.
- Keep the [friends](people-4_friends.md) who matter, but drop a community when [they reject you](morality-taboo.md) or interfere with your [goals](success-3_goals.md).

## Give yourself time

After any traumatic event, give yourself 18 months to recover:

- You need time to emotionally unpack, reflect, and consider what to do from your present situation.
- You also need time to become another person than the one who suffered the experience, then put that entire experience behind you.
- Sometimes, *life* won't give you 18 months, but take what you can.

If you don't wait, you'll likely create *more* trauma from impulsive and antagonistic decisions:

- We grow from severe stress over a short period, but fall apart from chronic stress.

If you've made a bad decision, learn to forgive yourself:

- You made a bad decision, but you don't have to keep obsessing about it if you've learned from it.
- Because you're so afraid of it, the situation will *never* play itself out again.
  - And, even if it did, you'd make a different decision.
  - If you feel uncertain about the situation repeating itself, ask yourself if you're [fully aware](awareness.md) of who you are.
- Your [trauma](hardship-ptsd.md) is no longer useful for anything besides [learning from it](understanding.md), so [let it go](hardship-ptsd-release.md), even if others won't.

Once you've recovered, you will be more resilient and durable than you would have been before if you accept that it happened and move on:

- You've survived something, so consider yourself stronger because it hasn't killed you.
- If you look carefully, severe hardship can open many doors elsewhere through your expanded [experience](understanding.md).
- We learn through internalizing the lessons from our [memories](mind-memory.md), so keep growing and keep moving forward with the knowledge that you're stronger for what has happened to you.