# How to use body language            

People create their first impression from your body language when they first see you:

- 80% of their judgment of you comes from the first 10 seconds of seeing you.
- Give a confident smile, great posture, and a direct gaze.

Most body language is subconscious:

- Be authentic, since you can't fake [happiness](mind-feelings-happiness.md).
- To change nonverbal language, you must change your identity and not merely your actions, which starts with [self-awareness](awareness.md).
- Each body language style comes strictly from [personality](personality.md).
- Copy your feelings naturally to your body and learn to move freely.
- Always turn your entire body to the person you're speaking to.
- Imagine how valuable that person is (or can be) and fully focus on that, and your body language will reflect that openness.
  - When you act as though you like someone, you'll often earn their respect and build a [bond](people-4_friends.md).

Your body will clarify your words:

- Your body language communicates a contextual story about your attitude, involvement, and feelings.
- Since they're *your* feelings, don't try to imitate other speakers.

Avoid tense or jittery movements:

- Even when you have an itch or discomfort, severely limit how much you move your body in small ways.
- Don't rock, sway or pace unintentionally.
- Try to avoid small, distracting quirks:
  - Gripping or leaning on things around you
  - Biting or licking your lips
  - Tapping your fingers
  - Playing with something in your pockets
  - Frowning
  - Adjusting your hair or clothing
  - Turning your head or eyes rhythmically from side to side
  - Fidgeting or fiddling with yourself or an object

Maintain a strong posture:

- Stand up straight with your arms open, not crossed.
- Sit and stand with your shoulders back, back upright, and chin up.
- When possible, directly face the person you're talking to.
- Very slightly lean forward into the person you're speaking to.
- Since it communicates that you're distracted, don't use technology when you speak.
- Hold an open stance with your palms generally facing outward.
- "Fill" the space around you with your body, which implies comfort and authority.

Maintain eye contact appropriately:

- Eye contact builds a connection with the other person that can relieve stress for both of you.
- By watching their visual feedback, you can adapt your message's tone more easily.
- Don't glance around the room.
- At the same time, don't directly stare:
  - Cycle a triangle from the left eye to the right eye to the nose and back.
  - Engaged listeners will spiral their eye movements inward slowly from farther out.
- To stay focused when you're distracted, count how many times they blink.
- When breaking eye contact, do it slowly and somewhat reluctantly.
  - If you want to demonstrate *extreme* interest in someone, keep looking at that person even when other people are speaking or drawing attention.
- Even if you're within a group or a crowd, maintain eye contact:
  - Your eyes are communicating that you're speaking with them.
  - Even while speaking publicly, no direct eye contact will make you seem insincere.
    - If you're too nervous to focus on one person at a time, scan across the room.

Smile genuinely:

- The purpose of smiling isn't because you're happy, but to communicate that to others.
  - When greeting people, smile a little, then look at their face for a second, then give a bright and responsive smile.
  - An authentic smile is valuable, but only appears genuine if you delay it for a second:
    1. Think of something funny.
    2. Think of someone you like/love.
- Practice in the mirror beforehand.
  - Squint while you smile.
  - You should have crow's feet at the sides of your eyes.
- For a smile to be genuine, give a different and unique smile for each person, with the biggest smiles going to people you find most important.

Note your facial expressions:

- Even in front of a crowd, everyone tracks your face to see how you feel.
- Connect with others using consistent facial expressions.
- Smile as often as the situation permits, but openly express other feelings as appropriate.
- If you have any distracting facial mannerisms or tics, try to subdue them.
- Nod your head to acknowledge that you hear or agree.

Respond to their expressions:

- We make a subconscious half-second reaction to experiences before we show what we *want* others to see, so don't try to hide your feelings around perceptive people.
- Mimic others' body language, usually a few seconds after you see it.
- Try to match the style of their body language: flamboyant, classy, young, trashy, fast, jerky, whatever.
- Tilt your head to show sympathy.

Use touch appropriately:

- While cultures vary, closer interactions usually involve more touching.
- Healthy touch communicates connection and support.
- Too much touching can upset people and provoke them to [enforce boundaries](people-3_respect.md).
- Too *little* touching can make people feel you're alienating them, and they'll distrust you.

Practice effective gestures:

- Gestures are visual aids for what you're saying.
  - When we're comfortable, we naturally gesture to emphasize ourselves.
  - Keep your hands open and arms limber.
  - Mind your limitations (walls, other people, objects near you, boundaries of a stage).
  - Point your feet toward the person you're speaking to.
  - Make the movements vigorous, slow, and broad.
  - Scale up your gestures as the number of people you're speaking to increases (near your body one-on-one, entire body to a crowd).
- With enough energy, you can make boring subjects interesting.
  - However, don't let your energy interfere with what you're trying to say.
- If you're nervous, gestures are an excellent emotional outlet.
- Every gesture cycles through 3 phases:
  1. The Approach - the body prepares to move
  2. The Stroke - the body moves
  3. The Return - the body comes back to a balanced posture
- Pay attention to the type of gesture you're making:
  - Descriptive gestures clarify or enhance your message.
    - They help people understand comparisons by a visual example of size, shape, movement, location, function, and numbers.
  - Emphatic gestures show your convictions for your statement.
    - A clenched fist, for example, implies a strong feeling like anger or determination.
  - Suggestive gestures are symbols of ideas and feelings.
    - They can help elicit a mood or express a thought.
    - Open palms usually suggest giving or receiving.
    - Shrugging usually indicates ignorance, confusion, or irony.
  - Prompting gestures draw a response from the listener.
    - It's usually showing what they should do, such as a high-five or applauding.
- Don't repetitively perform any small gestures, since they'll distract people.