# How to listen People respond better to great listeners than great speakers who don't listen: - Everyone [understands reality](understanding.md) differently, and listening is how we understand those differences. - By listening, you're telling that person they're important or, at least, their words are important. - Even if you're an awful speaker, people will still listen back out of [respect](people-3_respect.md) if you were listening to *them*. - Good listening can restart a stopped story or fill in gaps you may have misunderstood. We need to listen because each message has several sides to it: 1. The revelation and information the speaker is giving about themselves. 2. The factual information they're conveying to you. 3. The relationship they have with who they're speaking with. 4. What the speaker is trying to appeal toward when they're communicating. Great communicators master listening: - They listen to understand, not just to reply. - Great responses make the speaker feel it was their idea. - Good listening provokes more discussion with appropriately timed silence. - Great listening requires restraint against saying poorly worded ideas that may communicate the wrong message or ignores the audience. - People tend to have a biased "conversational generosity" about how much they're dominating the dynamic: - The speaker talking 50% of the time feels like 70% to the listener. - 20% feels like 30%. - 1% feels like 5%. - Thus, only talk 1/3 or less of the time to make it feel like you talked half the time. ## Listening isn't just hearing words or agreeing By listening, we understand the other person's perspective and ourselves in it: 1. Audibly hear words and related body language. 2. Focus on the speaker's intended message. 3. Perceive and connect the speaker's feelings behind the ideas. 4. Understand the ideas' full meaning through feelings and reasoning. 5. Apply the message's meaning as a listener hearing it. 6. Remember the speaker's other messages. 7. Respond with appropriate feelings and expressions. 8. Patiently keep listening and processing the listener. Listening comes in degrees: 1. Entirely ignoring 2. Pretending to listen 3. Selective listening: only hearing chunks of information and guessing the rest 4. Informative listening: processing information without feelings 5. Appreciative listening: responding to and making nonverbal cues 6. Intuitive listening: using wisdom to interpret hidden meanings beyond the speaker's stated ideas ## Make them important Always pay attention to the speaker: - Treat their words as more important than yours. - Focus more on their interests, not yours. - Avoid multitasking or hastiness. - If you can't listen at that moment, openly clarify when you want to talk. - Observe nonverbal cues that show their feelings and echo with nonverbal affirmations. Stay focused on them: - To successfully make that person important, you *must* be curious about *something* regarding them or their lives. - People are hypersensitive to insincerity (and your body language gives it away), so you can't imitate your way through it. - Listen more than you talk. - Enter as deeply as you can possibly into how they understand the world. - When sharing, only provide information you expect they'll care about. - If you fail at understanding others, you likely are battling [self-deception](hardship-worthlessness.md). As much as possible, remember names: - In their mind, a person's name is the most recognizable word they know. - People feel valuable to you if you've [remembered](mind-memory.md) their name. Take an interest in their interests: - Keep the topics focused on what *they* want, then bridge your shared interests over. - Once you find something they like that you also like, you can easily let your curiosity take over. - At your leisure, read a few magazines or skim the internet about what they like. ## How to listen Avoid any prejudice or bias: - Accept what they say, and don't attach your opinions to it. - Consider any pre-existing views and expectations. - Every story has at least two sides, so stay open to the opposite view. - Don't act until you've heard and considered the whole story. - People prefer extreme opinions over no opinion, so take the majority opinion if you don't have one. - If you start feeling irritated or angry, try to postpone the conversation: 1. Openly admit your feelings with them. 2. Postpone the conversation until you're calmer. Passive listening is the easiest way to listen: - Stay attentive, stay silent, give nonverbal feedback like nodding, copying body language, and changing posture. - Don't provide input or suggestions. - Keep yourself focused on the person, irrespective of your environment. Active listening, on the other hand, requires much more effort: 1. Reflect their statement back to them. - You're acknowledging their feelings, not necessarily the facts. - Use phrases and supportive sounds such as "yes", "go on", "mm", "ah", and "okay". 2. After they've finished, wait a few seconds silently to make they're finished. - Silence isn't awkward if you show you're genuinely thinking about what they said. - If you'd prefer to fill the silence, affirm your relationship with them. 3. Always begin your response by repeating or paraphrasing what they said. - Be concise and unbiased, without added commentary or presumption. - Ask if you understood something correctly, state what you think they said, and prepare for them to correct you. - Since people are hypersensitive to rejection, you must legitimately *want* to understand them. 4. Ask for clarification on anything vague. - Use open, unassuming questions. - You're trying to understand, not lead them to what you think. - Ask for specific examples. 5. Keep them on track to *their* central point. - Distractions to another topic are easy, so steer the conversation back to their chosen topic. - If something is important to them, you are holding them accountable to their standards by staying on-topic. Listen carefully for others' observations, feelings, needs, and requests: - Many things people say are trying to fulfill some sort of [purpose](purpose.md): - "I noticed [observation], which makes me feel [feeling]. I need [need], and I'd like you to [request]." - An evaluation is a [value](values.md) you've come to conclude, often subconsciously (e.g., a "cook" instead of "[someone cooking](cooking.md)"). - People often state evaluations *as* observations (e.g., "You're being rude"). - Treat their observations as valid, even if they're only implying it behind what they're feeling or come from a bad evaluation. - Learn to ignore their feelings and observe what they're observing, then go back around and experience their feelings while ignoring what they're observing. - People often don't state their needs as much as their requests (e.g., "Stop doing that"). - Openly ask others for feedback, since many people won't share unless you ask for it. ## How to respond In most contexts, you have one minute to say your idea: - Everyone else will want to respond, so keep your ideas or stories simple enough to fit in that minute. - When you go over that minute, nobody will say anything directly, but they'll find you excessively talkative. - If people want more detail, they'll ask for it. Interrupt correctly: - You must interrupt when you've heard 1 more word than you're comfortable hearing. - The more you wait, the worse your feelings become. - A speaker would prefer you interrupt them than simply pretending to listen. - Interrupt first with body language and an auditory nonverbal (e.g., "um"), then interject with a statement of your own. - If they don't stop, end the conversation and revisit it later. When they've finished a thought, wait at least a full second before responding: - If you don't, the other person will think you weren't listening. - You also get time to think of how to frame your first sentence. The first sentence will be the most important: - People pay extreme attention to the first statement you make, and are trying to judge whether you were listening or cared what they had to say. - To avoid being misunderstood, keep your first statement simple, and keep all your other statements confined to that statement. What you say must be true, necessary, and kind: - Your thoughts can be free to [explore anything](mind-creativity-how.md), but what you say creates profound consequences for others. - You *can* usually say almost anything you want if you add the right qualifiers before it. - If what you say might be untrue or controversial: - I'm not sure if this is true, but... - From my experience, I've heard that... - Someone once told me... - If what you say might be unnecessary: - I know this is a tangent, but... - There's something unrelated I wanted to share if you have time. - I don't mean to derail the conversation, but... - If what you say might be unkind: - I don't mean to be blunt, but my impression is... - I mean no disrespect, but... - I know this may be highly controversial, but... Don't use cliché responses: - Avoid mirroring statements. - You paralyze the discussion when you mimic the other person's words (e.g., "It's a beautiful day!" - "Yes, it is a beautiful day!") - Mirroring follows [social norms](people-rules.md), but you look boring and forgettable. - Avoid predictable responses. - The most apparent answer is often the most boring (e.g., "It sure is hot!" - "Yeah, it sure is!") - If you want to sound profound, use the unexpected opposite word for a predictable situation (e.g., "It's a great day to go for a sit!") - When people ask [what you do for a living](jobs-1_why.md) or where you live, give interesting facts about it instead of simply what it is. - For anything about yourself, have an interesting story prepared for them. - The best way to stay interesting is to keep consuming funny stories and interesting ideas, then constantly [create](mind-creativity-how.md) and [write](language-writing.md) in your spare time. Repeat what they said to show you're listening: 1. Paraphrase what you feel about the matter. - Be careful because paraphrasing how *you* feel isn't acknowledging their feelings. - Expressing feelings before understanding is only useful in a [conflict](people-5_conflicts.md) to prove vulnerability. 2. Repeat the message with their exact words. - Use exact repetition for a conflict or technical discussion. - In some contexts, repeating exact words sounds condescending. - You can usually show you were listening by ponderously repeating the last words they said. 3. Repeat similar words and phrases with the same idea. - Approximate repetition works if you don't know how receptive they are. - However, in a heated conflict, they'll think you're trying to directly quote them. 4. Rephrase the message with words and phrases you use. - By rephrasing, you show you fully understand their message. - Skillful responses explain their opinion better than they can. - Try to use the specific interests you know they like (e.g., if they're into gardening, then say "sowing the seeds" as a figure of speech). - Use poetic imagery that matches whether they're visual, auditory, or tactile (e.g., "I hear what you're saying.") Clearly share observations, feelings, needs, and requests: - Observations are actual things you see someone saying or doing (e.g., "I noticed you were talking to John earlier"). - Don't give your observation with any judgment or evaluation. - People have a hard time differentiating their observations and judgments (e.g., "You seldom do what I want" versus "The last three times I initiated an activity, you said you preferred not to do it"). - State plainly how you feel about that observation (e.g., "That makes me sad because I thought you weren't talking to him anymore"). - Don't mix what someone does with how you feel about it. - "I feel" statements should refer to an actual feeling (e.g., "I feel angry when you don't tell me things" versus "I feel you don't tell me things"). - Most "I feel" statements are actually hidden "I think" statements. - If you have any needs connected to it, state them plainly as well (e.g., "I need to trust you"). - Only indicate *your* needs, not what you want them to do or what they fail at. - Give a request that will enrich your life (e.g., "It would help me immensely if you would please tell me the next time you speak with John"). - If you interpret the possibility of their noncompliance as rejection, they'll interpret your requests as demands. - A request is only a demand when there's no empathy for the effort the listener will have to make. - Intellectual understanding blocks empathy. - Ask them to reflect your words back. - Make sure they don't feel like you're testing their listening skills, but that you need to know that you've expressed yourself clearly. Practice the pacing of your words: - Develop a rhythmic style to how you speak. - If you need to, speak more slowly to evenly flow your thoughts out. - When you can, use smaller words to get the idea across. - For larger sentences, try to pause on every even-numbered set of syllables (e.g., "I think, after this trip, we should rest." versus "I think after this trip we should rest." - Permit silence. Don't break the flow of conversation: - Even if you're terrified, learn to appear confident and comfortable. - If you look anxious, you'll make them feel anxious. - Try not to string thoughts together. - Slamming ideas together doesn't give a chance for the listener to speak or think. - Give ideas one at a time and let them control the conversation more, even when *they* string together thoughts. - Inform them when you've changed your mind. - Watch their attention carefully and shift the subject if they start looking bored or make shorter responses than you. Take your time responding to what they like: - If you like it as well, let them talk about it a bit before letting them know you like it as well. - When you *don't* like it, either respond with a portion of something you *do* like, or try to shift the subject. Thank them clearly with observations, feelings, and needs: - They've obviously done something to benefit you, so make sure they see the fullest extent of it. - Observe the action they did, how it made you feel, and the need it satisfied. - e.g., "I noticed you cleaned the room, which made me feel at ease. I need a clean workspace, so you helped me immensely." ## Ask questions Statements shut down the conversation, and questions open more dialogue: - Make statements related to what they said, then ask for their input about it. - If you share personal experiences and anecdotes, explain why you're sharing it. - If you're uncertain if they want to hear your anecdote, ask *that* question before you start. - When you have a good feeling about what they like, boldly use "you" statements to communicate what they may enjoy. Your questions should provoke them to talk more: - They should be talking more than you. - Make a simple statement about the event or location, then connect it to an open-ended question. - The most common question is "what do you do?" but a more interesting variation is "what do you *like* to do?" - Keep asking questions about their life. - If they ask you about *your* life, keep their interests in mind as you share. - Don't be afraid to ask seemingly dumb questions in a group, since most people are already thinking about them. Avoid questions that come as your first instinct: - Everyone else already asked those questions, so you're just another person at that point where they must provide the same response. - Instead, focus on deeper questions that other people would typically never ask. The scope of your questions determines where the conversation goes: - Open questions encourage people to open up. - They often start with why, what, where, which, and how. - e.g., How was that strategy useful? What did you do then? Which approach did you use? How did you feel after that? - Use open questions unless you need [certainty](people-5_conflicts.md). - Closed questions require a specific answer. - The can start with "did you", "will you", "have you", "who", or "when". - They often make conversations feel awkward and one-sided to the other person, so use them sparingly. When you can, ask questions to fill in the gaps of what you don't understand: 1. Fill in the observations, feelings, needs, and requests that you *do* understand: - e.g., "You're a jerk!" becomes "I noticed [observation?], which makes me feel angry. I need [need?], and I'd like you to [not behave in a specific action that a jerk may do?]." 2. State your questions as a need: - e.g., "I understand you're angry, which makes me confused. Since I need to understand where you're coming from, why are you angry?" - When people express extremely emotional messages, they appreciate when you reflect your feelings back to them. Frame your questions carefully: - Probing questions try to clarify a previous statement or get more detail: - e.g., Why do you think that happened? What does that mean? Can you be more specific? - While probing questions can build rapport, people feel interrogated with too many of them. - Leading questions imply there's a "right" answer: - e.g., So wouldn't it have been better to...? Don't you think you should have...? - They often appear judgmental, so use them carefully. - Negative questions are specific statements followed with a confirm-or-deny question: - e.g., I think they're doing a bad thing. Don't you agree? - Negative questions are only useful for [interrogation](people-lying.md), and never in [polite conversation](people-3_respect.md). Many questions are designed to clarify understanding: - Control questions establish a baseline behavior because you already know the answer: - When used wrongly, people consider control questions insulting because it implies distrust. - Any question can be insulting if the responder believes the speaker knows the answer, including ones that show the speaker wasn't listening! - Reflective questions verify and clarify understanding: - e.g., "I feel frustrated with the situation." "Why does the situation frustrate you?" - Reflective questions let the speaker explore their knowledge of something more. - Repeating or persistent questions ask several questions for the same information or the same question for different details: - Repeating or persistent questions can cross-check information but can't verify [the truth](people-lying.md). - If someone catches a repetition, they'll usually feel offended because they won't feel that person was listening. Some questions make people think or relax: - Hypothetical questions ask how a possible situation would provoke someone to act or think: - e.g., What would you do if...? What would happen if...? - Hypothetical questions give people a chance to discuss new ideas or approaches and [brainstorm](mind-creativity-how.md). - A hypothetical question with incorrect body language will feel like a leading question. - Unrelated questions make others more comfortable or destabilize their train of thought: - Unrelated questions shift the subject or to throw people off. - Since people will usually draw from context to resolve their confusion, use unrelated questions carefully. - Many [cultural differences](people-3_respect.md) will make a person feel a question is unrelated. - Paraphrasing questions affirm that you understand what they said: - e.g., "I hear you say that (your paraphrase). Do I understand that correctly?" - Paraphrasing questions keep the conversation focused and show you've been listening closely. Some questions are *never* good to ask: - Vague questions: - e.g., "Why is that?", "Is it always this way?", "Does that matter?" - Responders don't know how to answer vague questions. - Carefully select your words and add more details to avoid vague questions. - Compound questions, or asking several questions at once: - e.g., "Who is responsible, why is it important, and what are you going to do about it?" - Compound questions are usually impossible to answer together at the same time. - The responder will often forget the second question once they've responded to the first. - To avoid compound questions, slow down your speaking to prevent your feelings from taking advantage of you.