# How to make small talk Small talk is the most frequent, necessary communication skill, even though quite a few people [are disposed to](personality.md) always hate small talk: - Detail-oriented people often want to discuss more in-depth about their interests. - Intelligent people often want to discuss more profound or meaningful subjects. - Introverts may be more accustomed to silence than most people. - Ambitious people don't like it because it doesn't get to the point. - Emotionally secure people tend to hate circumventing topics. - Introverts don't like it because it pads out the time spent in a public setting with others. - Socially awkward people tend to face rejection and have [past trauma](hardship-ptsd.md) from small talk. - Highly successful people in non-social disciplines hate small talk because it circumvents legitimate [conflicts](people-5_conflicts.md). While small talk is shallow, it's critical: - Small talk lets people "test" others in a safe environment that doesn't offend or cross boundaries. - People are uncomfortable with silence, and small talk is mindless information that easily fills it. - Everyone can learn about others without having to trust people with personal information. - People who professionally use small talk will match the tone and style of behavior they're reading from others. - Some of the most common "small talk only" zones are while eating, [parties](fun-parties.md), and most public events. - At the same time, the "big talk" often comes out during dessert or when the check comes, in a side discussion at a party, or after most people have left the event. Successful small talk can filter out the worst of humanity: - Someone sharing harsh convictions, dogmatic behavior or extreme negativity in public will be more difficult in private. - Gossips will talk poorly about other people *before* they learn anything about you. - Someone who complains and blames isn't trustworthy with responsibilities. - A person's exaggerations show they're unaware how their words make others feel. ## Unacceptable topics Some subjects are never, *ever* small talk: - Intimate relationships and sex - Death, morbidity, and significant medical problems - Personal gain that outpaces anyone else's - Business opportunities, especially sales or small business affairs, including [MLM](marketing-mlm.md) - Secrets, especially about others who aren't in the conversation - Negative remarks about anything, especially about others Depending on culture, other topics may be off-limits for small talk: - Age and weight - Ethnic origin - Family or marital status - Salary, income, financial information or money/career problems - Politics and controversial social issues - Sometimes you can't criticize what others openly condemn (such as race or financial status) - Religious views or philosophy - The [economy](economics.md), the stock market or current events - Anything that can offend someone's nationality or criticize royalty - Any compliments that may look like [flirting](relationships-dating.md) - Intimate details about love life or sex life - Alcohol or drug consumption - Inappropriate humor (which is *highly* contextual) or no sense of humor - Obesity, which varies from a sign of health to a public shame - Culture-contextual, it might be rude to share or *not* share personal details ## Acceptable topics Introduce yourself and ask about them. Ask about their day or week. Introduce someone you know to a new person: - Don't introduce someone you've just met unless your introduction can legitimately benefit them. Give a compliment: - Everyone loves legitimate, specific compliments so much that they associate positive feelings toward the people who give them, even when those compliments are *not*sincere! - Every affirmation is a variation of a few statements: - I love/appreciate you. - I'm proud of you. - You are important. - You are special. - You have worth. - You are unique. - You look great. - What you're doing matters. - You've performed well. - Try to insert compliments into the flow of the conversation as a presumed fact. - Make your compliments incredibly specific. - Give compliments as if you've heard them, not simply that you've observed something. - Only compliment in a way that they can't misunderstand your statement as insensitive, discriminatory or flirtatious. - Only use self-effacing compliments if the person you're talking to sees themselves as *lower* in social status than you. - If someone accomplishes anything, immediately praise them. - When you *receive* compliments, don't dwell on them and simply say "thank you, that's very kind of you." Ask general topics: - School or work - Workplaces and places traveled - [Career or job](jobs-1_why.md) aspirations - If that person is [unemployed](hardship-unemployment.md), don't ask how their job search is going unless they're starting a job soon. Compare and contrast lifestyles: - Hobbies and interests - Family - Friends and shared connections - Cultural or political differences (if you're speaking without judgment) Share small pieces of your personal life: - Likes and dislikes - Childhood aspirations - Hometown - Plans, hopes, and dreams - Goals and accomplishments that are appropriate to the listener Talk about things beyond the conversation: - Current news stories, if they're not controversial - Other people, as long as you keep it positive - The current situation or venue - Holidays in the near past or future - Weather Discuss entertainment: - Music - TV and movies - Books and magazines - Sports - Fashion and trends - Celebrities Tell jokes or [funny anecdotes](humor.md). ## Build a sense of humor [Humor](humor.md) is intimately connected to your ability to have [fun](fun.md). If you have trouble finding humor, think of the opposites of what everyone expects, how people think or behave, or how anyone would typically react. Do *not*, however, make a joke at someone else's expense: - If your joke is even slightly offensive, [influential](power-influence.md) people may find a way to get revenge later. Since most humor involves pain and some people have [unresolved trauma](hardship-ptsd.md) about certain subjects, be careful about [offending](hardship-ptsd.md) anyone listening. If you're *not* funny, it's not as hard as it seems: - Most professional comedians are only funny half the time. - People remember a great joke far more than several bad ones. - Most of the skill in delivering good humor comes in timing, which comes through practice with well-placed pacing and silence. - To make a punchline work, don't laugh at it. Allow a pause for laughter unless you're not expecting it or don't want silence to set in. Make an inside joke with someone by recalling a silly part of the first time you met them. If your joke misses, make a self-effacing joke about your bad joke.