# How to carefully manage your words and tone

Language is symbolic, so people connect words to indirect meanings.

People build on their first impression from your words and tone:

- Fortunately, people pick up on *how* you're speaking more than *what* you say, so don't be too concerned about saying anything interesting.
- Closely observe how you talk, and speak as if a stranger saw you talking but couldn't discern much of what you're saying.
- Speak in such a way that you feel the ground under your feet.
- Your vocabulary and style of speaking gives credibility and status.
- Your word selection and accent state an identity.
- You can adapt styles to connect with specific groups, but accents stick with someone for decades.
- Your voice should sound smooth and pleasant, which can be trained.
- Clear articulation not only shows authority, but also gives listeners an easier experience understanding you.
- People will follow you proportionally to how *little* you say, so cut back your word use to magnify your message.

Frame your ideas with the Minto Pyramid:

1. Start with the conclusion of your idea.
2. Emphasize key points that lead to that conclusion.
3. Fill in as much detail as the other people may want or need.

If you're indicating *any* problem, avoid criticizing by focusing on the point of what you're saying first:

1. Facts - provide plain information without any adjectives, adverbs, or modifiers (e.g., My [car](autos.md) has broken down).
2. Status - explain plainly how those facts affect the situation (e.g., I will need a ride home).
3. Next Steps - indicate a solution to the problem (e.g., I may be able to get my friend to tow my car.
4. Explanation - go into why you introduced the Facts (e.g., I was driving down the road when the car made a weird noise, then it stopped running, and I had to roll off the road.

Always give a solution with every problem you communicate:

- The solution doesn't have to be *good*, but it has to be attainable.
- Without communicating a solution, you're simply complaining.

Our specific choice of words create implications:

- Hedges will state something indirectly.
- Polite forms of statements minimize the severity of bad things.
- Leading questions (e.g., "you're not hungry, are you?") can passively guide an idea.
- Disclaimers are apologizing for something in advance.
- [Discriminatory](image.md) language classifies a group as better or worse.
- While most words cover a broad range of possible feelings others may have, some carry extreme, deep universal feelings (e.g., poison, death, joy).
- Avoid any "filler" sounds (ah, um, er, etc.) and sounds that don't translate into words.
- Avoid extreme words like "always" and "never".
- Avoid *any* repetitive phrases that pad out what we're saying.
- All of these can be sufficiently, and powerfully, replaced with a few seconds of silence.
- Unless you're an expert in something, clearly indicate when you don't know or have a weak understanding of a subject.

Use strong adjectives and metaphors:

- Make historical or cultural comparisons.
- Compare and contrast to show differences and similarities.
- Avoid clichés and overused statements.

Our tone transforms the feelings we express:

- Almost every feeling can be expressed through timing various forms of softness and harshness.
- Try to convey a positive attitude through your tone.
- While speaking from the nose or throat conveys weakness, speaking from the chest expresses the most authority.
- Vary your tone up and down to stay interesting:
  - A monotone is inherently uninteresting, so vary your tone frequently.
  - Avoid intoning upward at the end, since it makes the sentence sound like a question.

Inflections and emphasis on spoken words transform the idea far more than writing:

- **I** was born in Australia - implies a comparison that presumes the listener was born somewhere else
- I **was** born in Australia - implies offense that someone is denying a fact
- I was **born** in Australia - declares country of origin instead of being in Australia later in life
- I was born **in** Australia - instead of outside Australia
- I was born in **Australia** - instead of somewhere nearby like New Zealand
- **I** was born in **Australia** - indicates anger and [conflict](people-5_conflicts.md).

Watch your speed and pacing:

- Speak clearly and intentionally to avoid confusion.
- Rhythmic speaking helps people anticipate the flow of words.
- Slow speaking bores people, but they may lose you if you speak too quickly.
- Pauses and silence can either emphasize an idea or make people feel extremely awkward.
- Most people stumble over their words, so don't draw attention to it by apologizing.
- Slow down on final points and let pauses persist for the idea to settle.
- If you have a ton of information to get through, speak quickly.

Note how loudly you speak:

- In normal conversation, match your volume with those around you.
- People can't hear you if you speak too softly, especially with background noise.
- If you speak too loudly, people will often feel offended and overwhelmed.
- Loudly speaking excites and energizes people, but people get accustomed to frequent loudness.
- Softly speaking makes people pay close attention.
- Draw them in with soft words, then deliver your point loudly.

Manage how you communicate over the phone:

- Use a professional and distant voice when picking up the phone, then adapt to a warm disposition after you hear their voice.
- Avoid breathing into the speaker.
- Since people pay attention proportionally to the quality of the audio, use as high-quality a microphone as possible.
- To compensate for the physical/emotional distance, use a person's name more frequently than you would in-person.
- To sound more interesting, convert your expressions and body language (e.g, nodding, feelings) into spoken words, then magnify what you're saying.
- Make sure to smile, since your smile will change how you speak enough that others can detect it.
- If you keep calling for someone who has a front-desk person pre-screen the calls, become acquainted with that front-desk person after a few calls.
- Record all your conversations and play them back to see if there's anything you missed or could improve on.

Make sure your discourse in voicemails is clear:

- Treat each voicemail as a 10-second performance.
- Speak slowly to ensure they will understand you.
- Immediately identify yourself and a callback number for them to quickly rehear it when they replay it.
- Always address 1-2 topics per voice message that describes the purpose of the message, not just your name and number.
- State your main point within the first three sentences, and be specific.
- Tell them the best time to call back, record it in your calendar as an appointment, and answer immediately to avoid "phone tag".
- The message should be under sixty seconds, so re-record (press #) if the message isn't brief, starts rambling, or you made a mistake.
- Leave your phone number again at the end for them to confirm, or write it down without replaying.
- Only leave one message, no more than that.
- Only mark it as "urgent" or try calling back if it is an emergency.
- To appear conscientious and reliable in your voicemail:
  - Leave a short, professional, and friendly greeting.
  - It doesn't have to be perfect, since a little imperfection makes it relatable.
  - Change it very frequently (once every day or week).

## Avoid poor language

Avoid slang, trade speak, and figures of speech:

- Your message has a wider reach if anyone can understand it.
- Elaborate words make you look pretentious, not intelligent.
- It takes courage to use plain words.

Avoid anything unintentionally offensive:

- Avoid insults, sarcasm, condescension, and insincere flattery.
- You may lose the audience with a reference or joke to race, religion, or anything else the audience values.
- Don't adapt or distort the truth, especially if it's clear to the listener.

Many words and phrases imply you're unintelligent or uneducated:

- One poor choice of words can ravage a well-built impression.
- Often, a few inappropriate statements are the only difference between the privileged and underclass.
- Spend a day around a crowd of people in a particular social group to get 80% of their jargon and communication style.
  - Ask a friend in that community to tell you about the current events in that group and give you a few opening questions.
- Use a thesaurus to learn more articulate words for your most frequently overused words (e.g., nice, good, pretty).

Use "I" sentences much more than "you":

- "You" statements imply blame:
  - "You don't listen to me."
  - "What you did hurt me."
  - "You're doing this again."
- "I" statements imply personal responsibility:
  - "I don't feel you're listening."
  - "I am hurt at what you did."
  - "I don't like what we are doing."
- "We" statements are a healthy middle that shares commitment with the group (but only if they agree):
  - "We should resolve this."
  - "We can't let this continue."
  - "We will get past this."

Avoid words that don't exist:

- Aks someone - "ask someone"
- Alot - "a lot"
- Conversating - "conversing"
- Expresso - "espresso"
- Irregardless - "regardless"
- Leadway - "leeway"
- Momento - "memento"
- The feeble position - "the fetal position"
- Sorta - "sort of"
- Unphased - "unfazed"
- You guyses opinion - "your opinion, guys"

Avoid poor grammar:

- Anyways - say "anyway"
- Doing good - "doing well"
- Extract revenge - "exact revenge"
- Hone in - "home in"
- Old Timer's Disease - "Alzheimer's Disease"
- On accident - "by accident"
- Scotch-free - "Scot-free"

Use frequent figures of speech lightly, but make sure they make sense:

- Each one worse than the next - "each one worse than the last"
- For all intensive purposes - "for all intents and purposes"
- I could care less - "I couldn't care less"
- Made a 360-degree turn - "made a 180-degree turn"
- Nip it in the butt - "nip it in the bud"
- One in the same - "one and the same"
- Statue of limitations - "statute of limitations"
- You've got another think coming - "you've got another thing coming"

If you wish to use a new phrase or word, do your research:

- Find out the context of the phrase, its meaning, and its proper use.

Unless you want to be vague, use the most specific phrasing possible:

- Use numbers when possible, and approximations when you're not sure (e.g., "about 13").
- Use "couple" to refer to 2-3, "few" and "several" to refer to more.
- Say "some" or "most", but only in relationship to a demonstrably larger amount.

When you catch yourself speaking incorrectly or someone corrects you, own up to it and [make a joke of it](language-speaking-smalltalk.md).