# How to speak well Speaking is one of the most critical skills for human interaction: - Without it, we make people feel awkward, [behave rudely](people-3_respect.md), and hurt others' feelings unintentionally. - 85% of building [long-term success](success-1_why.md) in life involves clear communication. The art of communicating is less about being understood and more about *not* being misunderstood. Speaking has many inter-related dynamics, but comes mostly through body language: - 55% [body language](language-speaking-bodylanguage.md) - 38% [the *way* words are stated](language-speaking-tone.md) - 7% actual words The only way to become an effective speaker is through constant practice, in-person, with many varieties of people: - Broaden your channel of communication: - Make a phone call instead of [text or email](language-writing.md). - Meet in a videoconference instead of a phone call. - Meet in-person instead of a videoconference. - Like [any other effort](success-1_why.md), practice makes perfect. Against most intuition, though, great speakers are [great listeners](language-speaking-listening.md). ## Shifting subjects There should always be an unspoken purpose to continue a conversation: - Always stay attentive to four questions: 1. What do I want to accomplish? 2. What do I need from the other person? 3. What information do I want to share with the other person? 4. What can I do to add value to the other person? - Unless you want to simply build a relationship with the other person, formally state what your purpose is near the beginning of any conversation or topic change. - If there are other people listening, ask the questions about those people, and consider *everyone's* time when doing so. If you want to transition to another topic, make it interesting: - Pay close attention to what they're *genuinely* interested in, then shift the subject to that topic whenever there's a lull in the conversation. - The one topic most people want to talk about is themselves. - Explicitly clarify that you want to shift subjects or transition to a related subject: - Speaking of [the current subject]... - That reminds me, now that we're talking about that... - Instead of asking, "what do you do?" ask, "how do you spend most of your time?" - If you're trying to keep their attention, make what you're about to say more exciting (but only if it is): - But wait, there's more... - The best part is what happened next... If you want to continue the discussion later, agree on a time or place with them. When you accidentally offend, apologize and leave: - You *can't* back out of an [offense](hardship-ptsd.md) because they must [forgive](mind-feelings-happiness-stress.md) you for it at their timing. - The best thing you can do is give them time to process it and connect with other people. - Often, if you *do* readdress the matter to recover your reputation, you will seem even *more* offensive unless you can make yourself suffer more than them. Leave the conversation graciously: - Politely inform them about something else you must do. - Find a third person, then ask the person you're speaking with to share one of their favorite anecdotes ("Tell them about that time when..."). ## The conversation environment Our message changes because of the environment: - The reason everyone is meeting and for how long determines the conversations people want to have. - Colors and lighting, along with the venue, will affect everyone's mood and expectations. - The relationship of the people to the seating arrangements communicates a story to someone listening. - Mind how many other people are around and who they are. - If you reference someone else not listening, don't point at them or mention their name where they can hear you. Maintain proper spacing: - Intimate space is under 18 inches and only for very close [friends](people-4_friends.md). - Personal space is from 18 inches to four feet and only for people you're comfortable with. - Social space goes out from four feet to twelve feet, and for most one-on-one interaction. - Public space is anything farther than twelve feet, and usually for groups and strangers. - We usually draw closer to others when we like them and farther when we don't. Keep appropriate track of time: - People are more likely to listen in the evening, so keep your morning discussions short. - Always keep a mental timer of how much time you have until someone has to disengage. - When people are rushed, only share simple ideas in quick sentences. - You can never be too brief because people can ask questions, so avoid spending more time than necessary. - It's relatively easy to expand ideas to accommodate time, but challenging to condense them. - Consider how many days until upcoming national holidays, anniversaries, and annual meetings. Stay attentive to distractions: - People don't listen when they're distracted, so avoid speaking if the person is focused on something else or clearly not listening. - A low-distraction environment isn't always possible, so shorten your statements as needed. - Only ask, "Is this a good time?" for emergencies (since it usually isn't). - If you must discuss something, ask, "What's a good time?" - If you've stumbled into a bad time to speak, back away. - If you say "this will only take a second", people don't listen. - Since they're obviously distracted, wait until later to reschedule the discussion. - Distractions come from many sources: - Any sight or sound can redirect attention. - People become uncomfortable if they're standing for too long. - Any environmental discomfort like a hot day or high winds can distract. - The venue may distract (such as taking orders in a restaurant). - If a distraction happens, let it play out entirely, then after a few seconds of silence draw attention back to the story you were listening to (or, ideally, give the last few details of that story). - If you're on the phone and you hear something, tell them you hear it and ask if they want to attend to it. Stay mindful of what you say during another person's speech: - When someone is speaking in public, it's often rude to disturb the audience, talk over the speaker, or help/prompt the speaker without permission. - Save any of your questions for the end of the speech or, if it's a scheduled speech, after everyone else has left. Note any [power dynamics](power.md): - Even if you aren't concerned about power dynamics, most people keep a small score of everyone's status and *constantly* compare their status with you. - Further, people tend to try to "even the score" wherever they are, which often involves performing favors or asking for them, and sometimes [generating conflicts](people-5_conflicts.md). - If you're speaking to someone with authority, keep your responses shorter and let them talk more. - If someone is famous, only discuss their latest work, or don't mention it. - Don't be afraid to bring someone else without as much power into the conversation affiliated with that powerful person. - When at the entryway, ask for a powerful person by their pronoun instead of their name ("is he/she in?") to imply that you know them personally. ## Match the conversation style to the context Generally, aim for [small talk](language-speaking-smalltalk.md), then go for deeper concepts if the other person seems ready to discuss them. Depending on everyone's cooperation and judgment, communication is a diatribe, dialogue, or discourse: - Discourse and diatribe are one-way exchanges: - Discourse is when the listener is quietly cooperating, but diatribes are when the speaker is forcing the conversation. - Most public speeches and written articles are discourse, the rest are diatribes. - People share one-way exchanges (such as this guide here) when they want to say something important. - Generally, discourse tries to inform while diatribe tries to convince or [coerce](people-5_conflicts.md). - Dialogue and debate are two-way exchanges: - Dialogue is when everyone in the conversation wants to exchange information and build relationships, which means suspending their judgment. - The conversation switches to a debate when one person is trying to convince or coerce, but while other people can still provide feedback. - Most healthy conversations are dialogue. - Debates usually arise over a [conflict](people-5_conflicts.md) or are formally established to discuss that conflict. In dialogue and debate, only share 1-2 ideas at a time: - Until someone asks, provide less information. - More ideas clutter the feelings you're trying to convey. - Too many ideas can confuse or convert your discussion into a diatribe. - The easiest way to cut out extra information is to focus far more on "why" than on "what" Consider the size of your ideas: - because large ideas require lots of thought, they almost always require a diatribe or discourse to convey them. - Try to simplify the idea as much as possible to get the feeling across, preferably with humor or wit. - If you must provide more details, consider [adding supporting documentation](language-writing.md). ## Adapt your style to the listener Adapting a message well requires experience: - There are *far* too many factors to consciously consider, so understanding your audience only comes through [trial-and-error and self-reflection](success-5_persevering.md). - People feel inauthentic behavior, so you will also need [self-confidence](success-6_humility.md) that only comes from experience. - Practice frequently with a wide variety of backgrounds to shorten how much experience you need. Only share thoughts that interest both you and the listener: - Talk about what you both want to discuss, or don't talk at all. - They won't want to hear something uninteresting to them, but they'll read when you find something uninteresting. - You can often find a compromise between what you want to discuss and what they want if the information is new to them. - Avoid bragging or inserting self-glorifying statements into your statements. If someone doesn't care to hear, you can't convince them to listen: - People will resent if you push past their indifference. - Honor their [boundaries](people-3_respect.md) and respect yourself. Only share things other people might find meaningful (THINK acronym): - To avoid lying or exaggeration, the ideas must be TRUE. - The audience must find that message HELPFUL for understanding and acting. - The message must be INSPIRING to provoke action beyond complaining or excuses. - Only share what's NECESSARY to them to prevent gossip. - Make sure your message is also KIND and free of judgment or negativity. - Since people will ask questions if they want to know more, it's better to lean toward fewer details and less time speaking. Consider their [personality](personality.md): - Dominant, direct people hate pleasantries and small talk and want the point as quickly as possible, so learn conciseness for them. - Engaging, friendly people can lose sight of discussion goals, so keep them on track. - Calm, peaceful people want an even-toned casual conversation, so relax with them. - Detail-minded, [analytical](logic.md) people want many facts and details, so learn to analyze with them. - If you want to engage with someone that you know wouldn't respect you, ask someone else to introduce you. Always use examples and anecdotes that match their background: - Gender, sexual orientation, and marital status of people in the group. - Disabilities or talents of individuals. - The group's collective accomplishments or identity. - The ethnic and racial mix of the group. - each person's age or appearance. - Occupations and hobbies of individual people. - Religious or political affiliations of everyone. - Geographic location of the people in the conversation. - Other groups represented by people in that group. - The education on various subjects and wisdom of each individual person. Mind their attitude toward you as you speak: - Neutral audiences are rational, though not always entirely, and prefer appeals to reasoning. - Usually includes groups like legislatures, committees, directors, and councils. - Will listen to facts, statistics, and specific instances. - Won't care as much for anecdotes, hypothetical illustrations, and analogies. - Friendly audiences want to hear from you. - It's usually at a happy event like a [party](fun-parties.md). - Entertain, inspire, and inform them. - Instead of changing their minds, help them to believe or act toward your purpose. - Give them new reasons to do what they already want to do. - Apathetic audiences are often forced to listen to you. - This can include many clubs, churches, lecture groups, and business meetings. - Use human-interest anecdotes and illustrations to arouse their attention, then keep them interested. - They usually don't care for facts, statistics, and proof. - If you don't respond to their negativity, by the end they might become a friendly audience. - Hostile audiences would rather not hear you. - To avoid making them more hostile, avoid strong arguments or emotionally charged appeals. - Work off a common belief and only use proof that can translate into appeals the audience will listen to. - You may not win a point, but the audience might become less hostile. If you're being recorded (or *might* be recorded), speak as if you don't know your audience: - While communication is simple, it's absurdly difficult to state things without offending someone. - The internet permanently memorializes everything, and [social fashions](trends.md) can often change across years, so be careful how you word *anything*. Pay careful attention to whether the culture respects asking or guessing: - "Ask" culture is low-context, and requires the requester to plainly ask if they need something. - It revolves around the idea that if someone needs something, they're responsible to ask it. - This does place a burden on the recipient saying "no", but means nobody will have hurt feelings if they *do* [politely decline it](people-5_conflicts.md). - "Guess" culture is low-context, and requires the responder to read nonverbal cues to see if the other person needs something. - It revolves around the idea that someone else who has something should be considerate of what other people need. - The other person is legitimately inconvenienced to serve the person asking, but gives them the comfort that they were thinking about them. - Generally, when faced with the opposite end of the spectrum, "ask" culture will be perpetually exhausted with the unspoken requests, while "guess culture" will be perpetually offended that the other person didn't act in response to their unspoken requests. At the same time, do *not* behave so agreeably that you give up what you believe in or want. ## Focus on first and last impressions People tend to remember the first and last things the most. People make their first impressions within 7 seconds of seeing someone: - Whether it's fair or accurate, their impression is the beginning of a [story](stories.md) that determines whether they like you. - 80% of that impression is from your posture while standing or sitting. - Over the internet or phone, your presence is usually defined by your published content or voice instead. Work on your image for when people see you enter a room: - [Dress and groom](people-2_image.md) as well as the best-dressed people at the venue. - Improve your physical appearance by working on your [weight and fitness](body-3_exercise.md). Practice greeting people: - Show you're open and confident by greeting people first. - Always smile when you meet someone. - Rise to greet them if you're sitting, even if they're a lower social status. - To give a warm handshake, try to keep your hands warm before greeting. - Hold drinks in your left hand to avoid it getting cold or wet. - Honor their cultural greeting traditions. - In most professional environments, firmly and gently shake hands with them. - Many cultures, such as Latin American, prefer hugging and sometimes kissing. - Asian cultures tend to prefer bowing. - If you're giving a high five, look at their elbow to never miss. - If you can, practice with a friend to get their feedback. Take your time during introductions: - People are usually more offended by a hasty greeting than none. - Clearly and articulately state your name. - If you're uncertain if someone remembered your name, state it again in the flow of conversation. - Use their name several times later in the conversation to remember it. - Mind their response to their title, since they may be offended if you don't use it, or they may find it too formal. - If you're reconnecting and forgot their name, ask for it again, but clarify that you wanted their *last* name after they've given their first. To leave gracefully, have a few exit lines ready: - Leave after you've made a good impression, but before you've disagreed on something. - Always thank them, and be specific about what. - When making an excuse, find a task that you legitimately need to do or want to do to avoid offense. - If you're at a party, you want to meet with someone else you haven't seen in a long time. - While at lunch, you have some personal chores on your phone you need to do. - When in public with someone, you have to study for something. - If you're pursuing [success](success-1_why.md) or have a [family](parenting-babies.md), you have many excuses to choose from. - If someone hands you their card, accept it as a gift. - Hold the card in both hands and read it. - Put the card away in a shirt pocket, purse, or wallet to show you value it. Always give certainty when you close conversations: - If you tell them you'll call them if there's a problem, and there's no problem, they'll be left wondering. - Make sure that they know what's happening or the relationship will slowly decay. ## Social engagements Highly successful politicians and executives spend hours preparing their encounters beforehand: - Ask your host who's coming, then resolve to meet anyone who may interest you. - Play out different likely scenarios in your mind, then create reasoned responses to them. - Imagine yourself meeting people, having conversations, and how you'll likely respond. - While it'll feel odd at first, it becomes easy with experience. Find something interesting to discuss *before* you go: - Find a common interest with the people you expect to meet. - People are usually comfortable with current events, harmless stories, and culture. - Avoid negative or controversial topics. - Strip away excessive details. - To let people know that you're unique, wear something interesting or carry something interesting with you to the event. Prepare 3-4 topics and 4 generic questions to get others talking: - Remember details about the host, such as their passions or mutual interests. - Read up on current events and news. - Make questions that require a story instead of short answers. - Questions that require answers: - How are you? - How was your day? - Where are you from? - What do you like to do? - What's your name? - How was your weekend? - Would you like a drink? - Questions that require a story: - What's your story? - What did you do today? - What's the strangest thing about where you grew up? - How did you end up in your line of work? - What was the best part of your weekend? - Who do you think is the luckiest person in the room? - What does that house remind you of? Navigate across the venue to anyone you want to meet: - Expert politicians can detect the important people in a room, then make many quick conversations as they navigate to those people. - When you arrive, stand dramatically at the entrance and survey the room to find the people you want to meet and the type of atmosphere you're walking into. - Stay near the doorway to greet new people shortly after they arrive. - Ask the person who invited you who someone is, then either ask for more facts (which you can use while greeting them directly) or request they introduce you. - If you're brave, go near the person you want to meet, then wait for any excuse to jump into the conversation with your idea. Stay focused on your purpose for being there: - You're either there to mingle and [recreate](fun.md), or there to build connections, but not both. - Since a drink or food puts psychological distance with others, eat *before* you go - The purpose of the engagement is to brush shoulders and leave a first impression and contact details for later with everyone who might serve a future [purpose](purpose.md) to you. - After you've met everyone you wanted to meet, leave for your next event. - Ideally, show up early and meet people as they arrive, then leave before the event is over. - Never staying too long has the advantage of making you mysterious (and therefore interesting) and avoiding any potential public [conflicts](people-5_conflicts.md). Carefully listen before entering an in-progress conversation: - Don't ask what everyone is talking about. - Pay attention to see if you can follow the conversation. - If someone else walks into *your* conversation, summarize what you were talking about for them. After the event, write down notes (preferably on the back of their business card) about details of the conversation to help you [remember](mind-memory.md) them for later. Over time, the *hosts* will find you as a valuable resource: - Interacting with all those people means you know who does what, as well as useful trivia about them. - By spreading the good reputation of others wherever you go, you create a good reputation for yourself. ## Asking favors Contrary to some opinions, small favors are critical to make people feel important: - People like to feel needed. - By requesting many small favors, you can build a close rapport with others in a relatively short amount of time. If you want someone to do something for you, clearly state what you want: - When possible, make that favor at least 24 hours into the future for them to dwell on it. - If they're at all hesitant, indicate clearly how it benefits them. - If it doesn't *directly* benefit them, make it worth their effort. - Offer to give them something they want. - Pay them back with another favor. - Be careful, since an unspecified favor to the wrong person can often force you to make terrible decisions later. Go out of your way to do small favors for others: - Inform them or connect them with what they need to [succeed](success-1_why.md). - Generously give, but don't do it reliably, or they'll come to expect it and take it for granted. - Whenever you encounter anyone who performs a service (e.g., waiter, accountant), send their boss a thank-you note. - Be the first to applaud or publicly commend someone doing a good thing. - "Collect" on your favors less than giving, and make sure you give plenty of time with an unpaid favor to your advantage.