emotions are lenses upon reality - long-term emotions create warped lenses (e.g., sadness becomes depression) the anxiety and fear creates a chaotic element - Jordan Peterson: a hole with snakes coming out of it the best answer is to move up the chain to the place where the emotions begin - I'll call this the "origination point" the emotions back themselves up to certain events that create beliefs, represented as emotions - anxiety is a fearful state, which creates endless potential catastrophes - bitterness is an angry state, which acts in constant "assault" against everything - depression is a sad state, which tears down all meaning and purpose - shame is a self-inflicted "status" in society of being a bad or destructive thing each has its own cures: - if i'm afraid, I must preoccupy with death - if I'm bitter, I must abdicate responsibility for everything beyond my control - if I'm depressed, I must push forward into a good purpose - if I'm ashamed, I must identify as a valuable individual so, in my situation: - i'm afraid of losing Tori and the kids - i'm bitter about this conflict escalation - i'm depressed when I stop, for any reason - i'm ashamed that I've lost my temper, and that i'm an ex-con in identity: we are not our feelings, we are not our thoughts - we are the soul that oversees those feelings and thoughts per Jules: the feelings simply need to fly by define: feelings vs mood vs affect The excess of anything will pass into the realm of fetish - anything whatsoever becomes sexual arousal if it is pushed too heavily or gratuitously - art very often tests limits, which is why it verges constantly into the realm of sexuality (and why homosexuality is rampant) - goodness is defined by a regulation to standards that don't deviate, and is why great art's sexuality is subdued (eg mona lisa) ## emotional resilience course From Harvard course CBT works on a triangle of: - Thoughts - Emotions - Behaviors 3 c's Catch it Check it Change it 1. Charge Up (aka behavior activation) - it's our natural impulse to drop things and hide - however, we need to get going to recharge our emotional state - at the same time, we can easily burn out if we just push ourselves into something - there are 3 key steps to consider: A. what to do - choose something you intend to do that recharges you - Any activity that you have time and space for are good choices, especially any activity that involves movement - it must be doable, measurable, and repeatable * Doable - you can start and finish the activity without using all your remaining energy * Measurable - quantifiable, specifically that you know when it starts and when it ends (i.e., [certainty]) * Repeatable - you can do it over and over without using all your remaining energy PERSONAL NOTE: it must be a rhythmic, atomic, distinct task THEY FAILED TO NOTE THAT IT MUST ALSO BE PRODUCTIVELY HEALTHY (e.g., gym or a ritual) Necessary groupings: Myself My relationships My education My profession My health we tend to let other things get in the way - PERSONAL NOTE: we do it because our souls stop tending to itself to concern itself with the body and others - the trick is to merge it into an already-existing routine B. how to do it the failure often comes from the domain of trying to do too much at once we frequently need to PLAN AHEAD for the recharge sessions therefore, scheduling a planned emotional recharge session is important do NOT leave it to chance, since it will likely get overtaken by everything else C. why to do it we tend to have obstructive thoughts and feelings that prevent us from adequate self-care to avoid this, we need to know EXACTLY why it matters write down a goal, then indicate an activity that advances a goal in that domain NOTE: it's also VERY helpful to get someone else who can support you and keep you accountable 2. Face Fears (aka exposure therapy) - the idea is simple: systematically expose yourself to the things that you're afraid of, which builds tolerance for those things we tend to respond to fear with 3 avenues: 1. fight - reactive or aggressive steps 2. flight - remove oneself from the situation as fast as possible 3. freeze - ignore or or avoid a threat fear is responding to a legitimate threat, but anxiety is anticipatory it's not uncommon to exercise avoidance when we're exposed to fears - avoidance allows us to quickly relieve discomfort, but it holds us back long-term Subjective Units of Distress (SUDs) gives a means of tracking distress, from 0 to 100 - the higher the number, the more likely someone will avoid a discomforting thing - at 100, we have a "limbic hijack", where our emotional brain (amygdala) takes over our thinking brain (prefrontal cortex) to face our fears, we must do "looping" by revisiting the same fears over and over again - the trick is to find [creative] ways to revisit the same thing regularly and intensify it each time it's not uncommon for something that may have a rating (e.g., 20 for going out in public) to ratchet up to a much higher rating because of another condition (e.g., 50 for going out in public with sandals) - build an "approach ladder" by making a list of approaches with a SUD on each, then ordering from lowest to highest you can also Charge Up by taking doable, measurable, repeatable actions take your time: too much exposure and you'll overload and have a limbic hijack 3. Observe the TEB Cycle (Thoughts, Emotions, and Behaviors) when the limbic system triggers, our mind goes racing to fix things - the TEB cycle allows us to slow down that thinking First, pick a thought (anchoring) Then, indicate all the emotions about that thought - there may be many Finally, indicate the behaviors that are happening It's not uncommon for behaviors to create MORE thoughts, emotions, and behaviors Pausing to consider TEB is a learned skill, and can even apply to severe situations once honed often, proportionally to someone's intelligence or [creativity], their emotions may lead instead to more thoughts, which can create a loop: A. Thought that judges what someone says B. Emotions, often severe C. Thought from what imagining a behavior from that emotion D. More emotions E. eventually, making a statement that doesn't always make sense Often, entire belief systems can be assembled this way 4. Solve Problems Solving problems can have emotional impact, so there's a procedure to get it solved: 1. identify the problem by clearing pinpointing the differences between your current situation and desired outcome 2. state the problem with facts, not emotions, and stick to one problem at a time - if it seems challenging, you have a sticky problem, and you'll need to divide it into smaller problems that combine together 3. state the goal, or desired outcome, being specific and realistic Once you know what to do, make an action plan by specifying each small step you have to take after some time, consider if you've succeeded, then change plans as needed 5. Explore Thoughts we have many thoughts, and often think they're factual - however, thoughts are not facts we face many cognitive distortions that skew the truth: mind-reading - assuming we know what others are thinking catastrophizing - hyperfocus on the worst-case scenario emotional reasoning - building reasoning about the world off of how we feel personalization - persoanlly connecting something that isn't about you should - assertions of what you imagine ought to have happened black and white thinking - binary either/or statements evaluate all the thoughts with analysis: What is the evidence for this thought? What is the evidence against this thought? Are you expecting the worst? Write down one other way the situation could turn out that is different from this prediction. Does your thought contain extreme language - for example, the words "always," "forever," "never," "must," or "should"? If so, rephrase the thought using more balanced language. Is the thought helpful? the results will mean generating alternative thoughts this does NOT mean pushing away the old thoughts ("thought suppression") what it means is that we reassemble new thoughts into our mind ("cognitive restructuring") it's essentially a dialectic that reframes the original thought with more information ## Thinking Routines I Notice, I Wonder Use the sentence frames “I Notice” and “I Wonder” as starting points to record observations and questions on the media, text, or object you are looking at. When making observations, stick to what is provably present - not inferences or connections. Then consider what you still do not understand and want to know to develop questions. Purpose: This thinking routine is a protocol to support you in brainstorming initial notes from which you can begin to draw connections and concusions. It helps you to focus on what is and what is not present in what is in front of you, so that you can then use these questions and observations as a springboard for analysis and reflection. Connect, Extend, Challenge Consider what you have read, seen, or heard in the learning experiences. Ask yourself how it connects to, extends, or challenges your previous knowledge or assumptions: How are the ideas and information connected to what you already knew (e.g. adds further evidence)? What new ideas did you get that broadened your thinking or extended it in different directions (e.g. helps you take an additional step in logic or see a connection to another topic)? What challenges or puzzles emerge for you (e.g. raises questions, offers an alternative perspective or counterargument)? Purpose: This routine helps you to reflect on your learning and see how you have grown and extended your thinking as a result of it. It also provides a framework to help you respond respectively and productively to the ideas of others in discussions. Observations-Inferences-Questions When looking at an object, a text, or media, ask yourself: What do you notice? Record concrete observations What do you think? Record inferences and interpretations based on your observations. What do you wonder? Record questions and areas to clarify. Purpose: This routine supports your initial engagement with a topic. It sparks curiosity and supports you in building on concrete observations to draw thoughtful inferences and ask thoughtful questions. Step Inside Based on the evidence you have, consider the following prompts about a person and their situation: What can the person perceive? What might the person know or believe about the situation? What might the person care about? Purpose: This routine helps you to build empathy and explore different perspectives and viewpoints on situations to which the skills of the course might be applied. 3-2-1 Bridge Before starting a topic, write down 3 words/ideas you associate with it, 2 questions you have, and 1 metaphor or simile that comes to mind. Do the same after you have completed the learning activities and consider how similar or different your responses are. Purpose: This routine helps you understand your learning process by providing a framework to create snapshots of your understanding at different points in time. By comparing these snapshots, you can gain insights into how your thinking has developed as a result of the learning experiences. ## SEL course social and emotional learning (SEL) is how people come to feelings, and how they respond to them - high-skill SEL means people can often gain support from others, amplify others' positive feelings, and express gratitude 5 reasons emotions matter: 1. attention, memory, and learning - helps us to focus 2. decision-making - determines how well we make good decisions 3. relationships - they affect how we get along with others 4. physical and mental health - they determine how well we keep the little [habits] that keep us well, as well as our state of mental wellness 5. creativity - our feelings reflect in what we create GIS FEELINGS: we can measure emotions on 2 spectra: 1. pleasantness 2. energy/intensity - this is directly correspondent to the amount of [certainty] a person possesses this creates 4 quadrants: - high-energy, pleasant ("yellow") - people tend to think [creatively] and generate new ideas - they're also inclined toward group activities - low-energy, pleasant ("green") - promotes self-reflection and consensus-building - the best time for collaboration - high-energy, unpleasant ("red") - heightened awareness that keeps people alert - good for competitive activities or passionate expression - low-energy, unpleasant ("blue") - helps for deductive reasoning and critical thinking - primes for relating to others' misfortune, which builds empathy these wobble around on the graph proportionally to how fast we have a thought - it means that beyond a certain level of intelligence or [creativity], the emotions are impossible to precisely track it helps a LOT to get specific words for various feelings - look for when there are modifiers (e.g., "really", so", "very", such as "very happy") - avoid the words "fine", "okay", "good" when someone asks how you're doing - learn a new emotion word every day Managing our emotions is not about suppressing them, controlling them, or conforming to someone else’s idea about what we should do or feel. It’s not just about calming down. We manage emotions so that we can think clearly, make the best decisions, form and maintain healthy relationships, and experience well-being. everyone's situation for managing feelings is different, as well as their cultural background we have to ask about whether a feeling will be helping us or not unhelpful action strategies: - negative self-talk - instead, use positive self-talk - blaming oneself or others - instead, use humor - complaining - instead, use positive reappraisal - procrastination - instead, use social support - avoidance - instead, use acceptance - psychological manipulation - instead, avoid or modify the situation - denial - instead, seek professional help - yelling or screaming - suppression - physical aggression - instead, do a constructive activity - ignoring the emotion - poor habits (eating, sleep, exercise) - instead, try healthy habits - ignoring the problem - instead, try problem solving - abusing substances - instead, try a short-term distraction - rumination or worry - wishful thinking - instead, use visualization there are many healthy contributors that lead to a better emotional state: - eating healthy - physical activity - getting enough sleep - physical touch - emotionally connecting with others - doing what you prefer We can also mentally reframe the situation - positive self-talk that offsets the negative dialogue in our minds - positive reframing - look at things in the best possible light - compartmentalizing - intentionally working through feelings at a later, more opportune time - focus on gratitude - look at what you have instead of what you don't have - find meaning - seeing how your role fits into the bigger picture - savor good things - dwell on positive experiences and focus on how those good things feel - mindfulness - find inner calm we have to shift our strategies for how we look at emotions - enhance self-awareness and education on the matter - have conversations across differences with others - stay present and use active listening - stay receptive, and avoid defensiveness - consider the difference between intent and impact - if the impact was bad, the intent doesn't matter regarding whether that thing should be changed we must constantly acknowledge our biases - learn others' stories - focus less on empathy (which requires legitimate experience) and more on understanding their feelings and why those feelings exist - use our feelings to provoke us to change meaningful work is done when feelings are directly addressed - we have a need to be seen, heard, and understood reading others' feelings can be challenging due to several barriers - we sometimes fail to notice or pay attention to someone else - we might want to control others' emotions - our thoughts revert to how we felt in a similar situation, and NOT how the other person feels we tend to be better at reading the emotions of people when we have spent more time around them - when people are less familiar, our minds revert to a threat-detection system that asks whether we should approach or avoid them - feelings run faster than thoughts, so the more that people are different from us, the more we must exert the mental effort to pause - we need to stop the emotional reaction to engage the prefrontal cortex PARENTING: feelings express differently for different ages - young children often regress when afraid over time - elementary school children may express bodily complaints, act out, express learning problems, talk excessively, or other actions - middle and high school students may engage in reckless or destructive behavior tricks to read feelings use the pleasantness/intensity mood meeter to gauge feelings watch for repeated patterns and themes learn their stories to understand them better how to ask about feelings find the right time and place to discuss the matter go in with an inviting attitude check in with your own feelings to see if you're in a helpful place, then examine how long you'll stay that way and how you'd shift elicit their thoughts and let them lead the conversation listen without judgment for the purpose of understanding convey they're not a burden and that you want to hear what they have to say be patient and wait for them to speak stay in your lane: this is about them, not you if you become activated, be curious about your activation and take responsibility for it try phrases like: I noticed... tell me what happened I'm listening... I'm wondering... What do you see there? What's interesting to you? I'd like to know... It sounds like you're saying...(paraphrase)...is that correct? How did you feel about that? When they're struggling, say: I noticed... You don't seem like yourself This must be difficult for you I know this is hard This sounds like a lot I'm sorry this happened I'm here for you You're safe here What do you think you can do? How can I help? We will figure this out together Feelings are normal, they are signals Be sure to avoid: Telling them how they should feel belittling them interrupting them telling them how you felt (unless it's brief and sympathizes) Elevating their feelings without guiding them to safety or validation Dismissing their ideas or feelings Pressuring them in any way Blaming them for any circumstances Diagnosing Someone's behavior doesn't indicate their feelings - it's simply a signal to pause and closely consider the issues at hand We can normalize behaviors that promote awareness of feelings Ask people to share with each other Incorporate emotion language throughout the day Give a more specific answer when asked how you're doing Add emotionally supportive routines to the day Consider a reflection support group Notice other people and what they're doing Practice active listening with a partner we must learn how we're influencing others' feelings - we have an influence on how people feel, whether we know it or not - controlling how we influence others is a tremendous power - we're responsible to help others to the degree we have that power, especially those we love and care for We can make space for our authentic selves while also giving them room to heal - emotional co-regulation is the ongoing process where one person's emotions are influenced by the actions and emotional reactions of the other - commands are NOT co-regulation - co-regulation involves a few steps: 1. acknowledge their feelings and the energy associated with it 2. use a brief mindfulness exercise or ask how they feel about it MGMT: when someone activates, we only have SOME control over the situation - we can't control many factors ask a few questions about the matter: - when can I physically have a necessary conversation? in another room? - how will other people be affected while I take this matter privately 5 steps to managing a stressful moment: 1. manage your own feelings - you can't help anyone else if you're dysregulated 2. help them with their feelings - first, help them settle their physical activation, which may come in several approaches - be present and wait quietly - be patient - offer the chance for a walk, a glass of water, or a reminder to breathe - make an affirming response that shows you're present or that they're okay - then, help them explore their feelings - start with reviewing the story of what happened in their own words - listen and reflect without judging, with the goal being to understand their perspective and put their feelings into words - after that, shift the focus to helping them name their feelings, though that may vacillate back-and-forth with the story depending on the person 3. brainstorm and make plans - look at the problems that need to be solved, and the next steps that may be helpful - your job is NOT to provide an answer, but instead to be a coach - the next steps might be small (like considering a different perspective) or large (like having a difficult conversation) - if someone is grieving, they simply may need someone present in silence to give them permission to grieve - some examples: - what are some ideas you have about how you could deal with this? - what do you think you could do next? - I know how thoughtful and creative you are, and I wonder what you think is best. - what would you advise your best friend to do in this situation if they were feeling how you feel? - you can also make your suggestion, but make sure to ask to be sure they know you trust their judgment: - Can I help you think about what your next step might be? - I like all of your ideas. Would you like to brainstorm more some together before you choose? - Is there anything I can do? - Would you like me to offer some ideas? - many times they simply want to be heard and seen, and don't really care about next steps at the time - sometimes it'll vacillate between self-regulation, naming feelings, and next steps until they land on a decision that seems right 4. close the conversation - try to end with a positive or constructive note - identify what can be revisited later - remind them how no feelings are ever final or forever - reiterate the next step and that you'll follow up with them later - some examples: - thanks for sharing your story and allowing me to help you strategize, I am glad we had time together - trust your judgment about this, you made a clear decision - it's okay if your next step isn't perfect, you can learn from that too - I'll be there for you, just let me know when you want to talk again 5. follow up later - most important issues aren't "solved" on the first try, so check back later to offer more support - discretely ask them later (e.g., "how'd it go?", "how did that thing work out for you?") - reinforce their strengths and growth mindset - let them know that their strategies will sometimes not work - offer your continued availability to support them - you may have to go back and forth between managing your own feelings and helping them become more skilled at managing THEIR feelings - some feelings are resolved quickly, while others must be endured and put into perspective - your compassionate support will go a long way toward helping people SEL's major skillset comes from RULER 1. Recognizing emotions in oneself and others 2. Understanding the causes and consequences of emotions 3. Labeling emotions with a nuanced vocabulary 4. Expressing emotions aligned with cultural norms and social context 5. Regulating emotions with helpful strategies ## men expressing their feelings Men may not express their feelings as readily as women due to a combination of societal expectations, cultural norms, and individual experiences. These factors can lead to a fear of vulnerability, a perception of emotional expression as "weak," and a difficulty identifying and articulating emotions. Here's a more detailed look at the reasons: 1. Societal and Cultural Norms: Traditional Masculinity: Societal expectations often portray men as strong, stoic, and emotionally reserved, discouraging the display of emotions like vulnerability or sadness. Role Modeling: Boys may not see emotional expression in their male role models, leading them to believe that showing emotions is not "manly". Fear of Judgement: Men may fear being ridiculed or judged for expressing emotions, especially if they perceive it as a sign of weakness. 2. Individual Experiences: Early Childhood Experiences: Some men may have experienced negative reactions to expressing emotions in their childhood, leading them to suppress their feelings. Alexithymia: Some men may have a condition called alexithymia, which makes it difficult to recognize, understand, and express emotions. Difficulty Identifying Emotions: Men may struggle to identify and articulate their feelings, making it harder to express them to others. 3. Other Contributing Factors: Fear of Losing Control: Some men may fear that expressing their feelings will lead to an emotional outburst or a loss of control. Desire for Self-Reliance: Men may feel a need to be self-reliant and not burden others with their emotions. Focus on Actions, Not Words: Men may prefer to express their feelings through actions rather than words, as this may be seen as more "masculine". Generative AI is experimental. Learn more --- [Why Men Struggle to Express Emotions — Hardin Life Resources](https://www.hardinlife.com/blog/2022/5/8/why-men-struggle-to-express-emotions) [Many men tend to be less emotionally expressive](https://www.poughkeepsiejournal.com/story/life/2016/04/25/advice-goddess-april/83492322/) [CMV: The reason why men don't express their feelings isn't because they want to act tough, it's because they know it wont change anything and sometimes will make it worse. Men are chastised and ridiculed for crying, and often times are perceived as weak and feeble when talking about their problems. : changemyview](https://old.reddit.com/r/changemyview/comments/xhvsqk/cmv_the_reason_why_men_dont_express_their/)