# Happiness and our focus

The ability to change how we see the future and past is a sign of mental wellness:

- The past is a pile of incomplete [memories](mind-memory.md), and the future is simply our [imagination](imagination.md).
- Thus, we can't harm anything by bending how we see the future or past to our desires.
- When we rewrite our past, it gives us greater control over how we see the future.

## A. Optimism is necessary

Optimism versus cynicism is the battle between [desire](purpose.md) and [fear](mind-feelings-fear.md), defined by what we focus on.

We only maintain optimism by shifting our focus:

- Ignore or invalidate bad things happening (eventually reduces [self-awareness](awareness.md))
- Focus on positive things more than negative ones (easiest to form)
- Finding good related to the bad (the hardest, but also most resilient)

When you create positive habits around how you react, you'll start feeling like nothing bad *ever* happens to you.

Optimism is easier when you're being specific:

- General statements are impossible to refute (e.g., "Mondays are always bad for me").
- Specific statements mean the rule isn't universal (e.g., "My day was bad today").

Only focus on true, good, and beautiful things:

- Good things, like [friendship](people-4_friends.md) or [love](people-love.md)
- True things, like [principles](philosophy.md) and [values](values.md)
- Beautiful things, like a sunrise or [art](art.md)

However, scientific studies have shown that reducing negative thinking is far more influential toward positivity than increasing positive thinking:

- Desires you can't presently [accomplish](success-3_goals.md)
- Status or accomplishments compared to others
- How things were better in the past
- How things could or will become better in the future (which isn't guaranteed)
- What you don't have or haven't attained
- Unknown risks that could hurt you, your plans, or those you love

To find positives, think beyond your constraints:

- [Brainstorm](mind-creativity.md) terrible options that are *far* worse than your current decisions.
- Find enjoyment in bad situations (e.g., use a power outage to look at the night sky).
- You *always* have options if you can manage your stress.

Learn self-acceptance:

- Completely accept and love yourself without *any* conditions for what you think, do, believe, or want.
- Plainly express who you really are to yourself, with no preset limits or expectations.
- Separate what you do from who you are, and accept yourself even when your actions aren't acceptable.

Avoid cynical thinking that seems positive:

- Gossiping may feel like [close friendship](people-4_friends.md), but it's a veiled form of complaining, which reinforces negative thinking.
- Black-and-white thinking may create [certainty](understanding-certainty.md), but stifles [creativity](mind-creativity.md) and gives us a false understanding of the world.
- Sad music and sad thinking in general can provoke more miserable thoughts.

Contrary to popular belief, happy people do *not* ignore bad things:

- Ignoring bad parts of reality only works temporarily.
- The happiest people tend to say "things could be worse" or "I am okay" instead of "everything is good".

## B. Low self-esteem destroys happiness

Discouragement isn't uncommon, but it tends to invalidate any satisfaction we've accumulated.

Low self-esteem makes us value the one thing we have the most control over as nearly worthless:

- We often add dysfunction to our experience by imagining ourselves as noble for suffering from our self-bullying.

Poor self-esteem makes us blow conflicts, loss, rejection, failure, and loneliness *way* out of proportion:

- Can't solve challenging problems or create meaningful [results](results.md)
- Won't take risks or adapt to change
- Inconsistently asserts and self-defines [boundaries](people-boundaries.md) and [goals](success-3_goals.md)
- Won't accept affirmations and recognition from others
- Higher risk of falling into [addictions](addiction-substances.md)
- Further, self-affirming statements often make people with low self-esteem feel *worse* about themselves

While it's easy for us to identify when we feel inadequate, changing those feelings comes through a challenging procedure:

1. Identify the conditions that would make you feel worthy of acceptance and love.
2. Analyze how those conditions block your happiness.
3. Consider whether your standards are reasonable, rational, and possible.
4. Note any comparisons with others or expectations others hold over you.
5. If you see any poorly set standards, create healthy alternative goals that allow unconditional self-acceptance.
6. Separate your limits and rules from your worthiness of love.
7. Practice removing further conditions you've placed on yourself as you encounter them.
8. Identify fears, beliefs, and habits that keep you from loving yourself unconditionally.
9. Replace your oppressive fears, beliefs, and habits with viewpoints that reflect your inherent value.
10. Verbalize open, unconditional acceptance of yourself.
    - The full extent of self-acceptance requires experiencing the full consequences of your actions while never deviating from your self-love.
11. Specify to yourself the benefits of possessing full [responsibility](meaning.md) for your decisions.

## C. Live in the present

We only have control over "now":

- The future is completely uncertain, so it's not worth thinking about beyond what today involves.
- Memories of the past fade as soon as we store them, and are very unreliable.
- The present moment is all we really have.
- Barring present physical pain, every problem we have is either fear about the future or fear that the past will replay *into* the future.
- How we think and feel about today determines how we remember yesterday.

Take personal responsibility for every single thought that isn't in the present moment:

1. Stop thinking about the past.
   - Since wishing for a better past is impossible, we must make peace with it to find satisfaction.
   - Releasing memories means giving up the hope of a better past.
   - If you can't part with the past, reconcile it by finding every possible way to learn from it until you don't want to think about it anymore.
2. Find excitement in the future's possibilities, but stay focused on the present.
   - Ben-Shahar's Happiness Model captures the modes of opportunity versus time:
     - Happiness (present and future benefit)
     - Hedonism (present benefit, future detriment)
     - Rat Race (present detriment, future benefit)
     - Nihilism (present and future detriment)
   - Destination addiction (or the Rat Race in Ben-Shahar's Happiness Model above) is a preoccupation with finding happiness in the next thing or person.
   - You'll never be happy if you believe your happiness will come later.
   - Learn gratitude for present benefits and future hopes.
3. Focus only on what you can do today.
   - Take one day at a time and each hour as it comes.
   - Train yourself to see problems and obstacles as challenges and puzzles.
   - [Create goals](success-3_goals.md) that challenge your limits, but are fully attainable.
   - If you're still anxious, make backup plans for the day.
4. Only concern yourself with [reality](reality.md) and good things.
   - Ignore others' opinions about current events.
   - Disassociate from any bad news, especially if it's non-planning discussions about the future or conjecture.
   - Finding good things is difficult when everyone else around you is in a bad mood, but it's still necessary.
5. Release all other nagging thoughts.
   - Stop thinking about hypothetical or "why" questions.
   - Ignore dumb things like annoyances, inconveniences, and mistakes.
   - Give up the remainder of your issues to [God](god-will.md).
   - Devote your energy to only one thing at a time:
     - Besides causing unhappiness, multitasking is [unproductive](success-4_routine.md) and ineffective.
6. Persist in your "present" state of mind to build patience.
   - Patience is the ability to stay focused on the moment instead of wishing for the future to happen faster.
   - The skill of patience can apply to different domains: across time, with things, with people, or with yourself.

## D. Learn gratitude

Stop obsessing about what you can't have:

- Stop comparing yourself to others.
- While it's not a bad idea to create [goals](success-3_goals.md) and [work toward them](success-4_routine.md), you won't see the full consequences of those goals today, and today is all you have.

Gratitude is focusing on what we have instead of what we don't:

- Think of one good thing you still have.
- Find things you're thankful for by looking at the good things that allow you to think of your current problem:
  - Your car breaking down means you still have a car.
  - Nothing to eat in the fridge means you have a fridge.
  - A lousy job is still a paying job.
  - A broken leg from snowboarding came from snowboarding.
  - Enjoy life's small pleasures.
- Recall three things that you're grateful for every morning.
- Thank your friends for their sacrifices.
- Find underappreciated people and thank them.

Sadly, we often only experience gratitude *after* we lose things we took for granted:

- Most people aren't aware of what they have until they lose it.
- Many people who suffer [severe hardship](hardship.md) have the opportunity to become very satisfied after their hardship has passed.
- As [civilization advances](conveniences.md), we tend to forget that our ancestors didn't have the conveniences we're accustomed to.
- To reproduce the experience, imagine losing absolutely everything: your possessions, health, reputation, relationships, and the people we love.

Don't count your blessings *too* frequently:

- Count your blessings about once a week.
- If you dwell on them 2--3 times a week, you won't find as much satisfaction from how frequently you're doing it.

## E. Make happiness-enhancing habits

Become more independent:

- Live with less.
- Learn a new skill.

Define your feelings better:

- [Pay close attention](awareness.md) to when your feelings change.
- *Precisely* specify to yourself how you feel.
- Clarify how legitimately important your feelings *actually* are compared to the world around you.

Get healthier:

- Do a short morning workout to avoid feeling guilty the rest of the day (20 minutes will improve the next 12 hours).
- Eat [reasonable, consistent portions](body-2_diet.md).
- Eat more fruits and vegetables.
- Practice breathing slowly.
- Drink plenty of water.
- Work on your posture to avoid hunching or back problems.

Make your life more productive:

- Prepare for the morning the night before.
- Get enough sleep.
- Get up 15 minutes earlier.
- Get up and take charge of the day, even if you don't feel like it.
- Get to work early.
- Make copies of important papers and duplicate keys.
- Memorize where things go.
- Avoid procrastination.
- [Set goals](success-3_goals.md) as small as possible.
- Avoid committing to things you might not be able to do.
- Make something you hope for into an attainable plan.

Add meaningful hobbies:

- Prioritize hobbies that bring new experiences over simply accumulating things.
- Do or learn something new each day.
- Plan for play time within each day's schedule.
- Do things you love.
- Listen to music that either inspires you or gives you an emotional release.
- [Meditate](awareness.md) for 10 minutes a day.
- Read enriching, educational things for 10 minutes a day.
- Find and seek beauty in ordinary things.

Plan ahead for future unhappiness:

- Make a music collection that always cheers you up.
- Learn to trust friends more.
- Surround yourself with positive, encouraging people.
- Write down positive thoughts, fold them up, and put them in a jar for when you're unhappy.

Avoid things that make you unhappy

- Avoid overexposure to an overcrowded big city or desolate open countryside.
- [Repair](https://adequate.life/fix/) or discard things that don't work properly.
- Avoid tight-fitting clothes.
- Avoid smoking, drinking, and drugs.
- Find alternate routes around your daily commute's traffic, or find an alternative mode of transportation.