https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/off-the-couch/201710/7-ways-to-respond-when-someone-shames-you

https://www.nerdycreator.com/blog/how-to-deal-with-shame/

https://thesensehub.com/healthy-and-firm-ways-to-respond-to-shaming-statements/

https://themindsjournal.com/how-to-respond-when-someone-shames-you/

https://www.cliffordtaylormd.com/the-benefits-of-psychiatric-care/response-styles-to-feelings-of-shame/

https://woventraumatherapy.com/blog/guilt-and-shame

https://www.stephaniemartineztherapy.com/blog/shames-silent-impact-unveiling-common-reactions-and-their-influence-on-relationships

https://beattycounselling.com/dealing-with-shame-how-to-recognize-feelings-of-shame-in-our-day-to-day-lives-and-address-them-with-practical-examples/

https://togetheraz.com/2025/01/overdose-a-public-health-issue-not-a-private-shame/


Guilt is the [feeling](mind-feelings.md) of having done something wrong, but shame is the [feeling](mind-feelings.md) that something was *so* wrong that exoneration requires far more than merely [eye-for-an-eye retribution](morality-justice.md). It represents beyond an "[action](results.md)" performed, and implies the person themselves is "wrong".

Shame frequently comes through [conflicts](people-conflicts.md) about a taboo, but anyone can [distort someone else's image](image-distortion.md) to imply they [should](imagination.md) be ashamed.

APPLICATION: Shame is the [feeling](mind-feelings.md) of being cast out of society, and is therefore an unhealthy feeling to possess. The feeling of toxic shame is one of the primary shapers of most [neurodivergent thinking](mind-neurodivergence.md).



cover more on shame
- Already in mind-feelings-shame.md

# Regret and shame

Regret is [not forgiving](mind-feelings-happiness-stress.md) ourselves over past decisions, and are byproducts of reliving [trauma](hardship-ptsd.md). It's a [desire](purpose.md) and [feeling](mind-feelings.md) to have done things in the past differently.

Regret is the present desire and feeling to have done things in the past, while shame is the chronic state of feeling that things in the past were done incorrectly to the point of [self-identifying](identity.md) with the experience.

## Chronic regret

Over time, regret converts into shame:

- Shame is the belief that we are defective, inadequate, or flawed.
  - We'll presume (often when we're highly susceptible as children) that we can "fix" ourselves to feel less shame.
- Shame will destroy *any* [self-development](success-1_why.md) since it stops the ability to self-reflect on anything that could make the shame more painful.
  - At least some of the things we declare as "broken" are core parts of our [personality](personality.md).
- The solution to regret is to internalize the fact that, given what you knew at the time, you did what you thought was best.
- The solution to *shame*, however, is to first become [aware](awareness.md) of it, then forgive yourself.

## Living with regret and shame

If we live our lives coated in [regret and shame](mind-feelings-shame.md), we'll often find [groups that reinforce it](groups-member.md). Instead of learning to [cope with it](people-decisions.md) as it arises, we'll try to [control others' lives](power-influence.md), often as a result of being trained to be controlled by the [bullies](power.md) of that group.

Regret is [useless](results.md), *except for* when we have [not learned](understanding.md) from the [decision](people-decisions.md) we had made.

- It's effectively useless when we did [the right thing](morality.md) at the time with the information we had available.

No matter what, people make decisions they think are [reasonable](logic.md) at the time, so broadly blaming anything without giving the grace of context is ignoring [how](https://gainedin.site/layers/) something failed.

When we let our feelings run our lives, though, we'll typically develop [habits](habits.md) that ignore the finer details that would empower us to think ina  more sophisticated way about our [memories](mind-memory.md). Over time, our memories will throw out those details and we'll stay etched into permanent [unforgiveness](hardship-ptsd-release.md), which will slowly yield bitterness.

The only lasting cure for shame is to form [an identity](identity.md) around something that's *not* the actions we had performed. This can take the form of self-indemnifying, but the most powerful peace comes in becoming and closely identifying as [a child of God](humanity-christian.md).