# The basis of narcissism

Narcissism is a unique perspective that represents a dualistic paradox of worthlessness and entitlement.

1. They conclude and closely [identify](people-identity.md) as a victim of their circumstances.
   - "Life is unfair."
   - "I wasn't taught the right lessons in life."
   - Nobody ever gives me a chance."
2. They feel tremendous [anger](mind-feelings-anger.md) at their situation.
3. Their terrible sense of self means they refuse to self-reflect.

There are [many indicators of narcissism](mind-neurodivergence-clusterb-narcissist-indicators.md), especially with [conflicts](people-conflicts-narcissist.md).

- However, it takes practice to reliably detect them in comparison with mere [selfishness](morality.md), [immaturity](maturity.md), or [other Cluster B disorders](mind-neurodivergence-clusterb.md).
- Very often, an intimate partner with extremely selfish behaviors was a borderline personality who later expressed narcissistic traits.

This viewpoint may be a psychological coping mechanism ("narcissistic behavior") or may be a core part of their personality ("narcissistic personality disorder" or NPD).

- The scope of the narcissism is closely connected with how strongly their self-directed feelings impede their ability to have sympathy for others' feelings.
- To qualify as NPD, at least 5 of the following attributes must be present:
  - Exaggerated sense of self-importance.
  - Fantasies of things being perfect or that they deserve things more than others.
  - Belief that they're in some way special compared to others.
  - Constant need for others to praise and admire them.
  - Convinced they deserve special treatment.
  - Takes advantage of others.
  - Unable to feel empathy for others.
  - Belief that others are competing with or envious of them.
  - Arrogance through believing others to be worthless, ridiculous, or despicable.
- While it may express during early childhood, it represents itself when selfishness starts surpassing a desire for others' benefit.
- There are also derivations of this mechanism in the forms of the sociopathy/psychopathy spectrum.
  - Sociopaths have zero concern for [human feelings](mind-feelings.md), while psychopaths have no concern for [human life](humanity.md).
- Any other personality can shift to this by [mixing hardship over time without self-reflection](https://theologos.site/narcissism/).

Technically, every person is born with a type of narcissism called "primary narcissism".

- Essentially, it's a delusion that we are our mothers (since an unborn baby technically is).
- However, we drop that narcissism either when we're capable to walk into the world as a separate [identity](people-identity.md), or later in adolescence when we [break free from our parents](parenting-teenagers.md).

Narcissism has two major forms and some sub-forms:

- Overt/extroverted narcissism is a public image of grandiosity and magnanimity, with a feeling of emptiness that represents as rage and resentment when they don't get what they want.
  - Antagonistic narcissism focuses more on rivalry and competition.
  - Communal narcissism focuses on drawing people together over moral outrage, even while oblivious to their own shortcomings in that domain.
- Covert/introverted/fragile narcissism is a public image of shame and self-hatred, but there is a feeling of entitlement they secretly believe they deserve.
  - Malignant narcissism captures more antisocial behaviors such as sadism, revenge, aggression, and paranoia.
- There is also a high-functioning exhibitionist narcissism, but it doesn't have a clinical diagnosis because it's technically a functioning way to live.
  - People in this domain tend to spend excessive time on [social media](networks-social.md) and [maintaining their image](people-image.md).

Most kings, [cult leaders](people-culture-cults.md), and [religious leaders](religion.md) are highly influential narcissists.

## How they think

The narcissist personality is a Cluster B who has completely internalized their [anger](mind-feelings-anger.md).

1. The anger develops an entitlement mindset that implies they deserve much more substantial treatment than they're receiving.
   - The story they believe in their mind is that everyone is secretly envious or jealous of them.
2. Their entitlement boils over into narcissistic behaviors as an attempt to regain control of their life.
3. They will feel a sense of [meaning](meaning.md) through successfully manipulating people.
   - That manipulation will be the [good faith](people-contracts.md) of others, but the narcissist will mistake that manipulation as their cleverness or intelligence.
4. When confronted to [change](people-changes.md) for the better, they lapse again into victimhood, perpetuating the [cycle of worthlessness and anger](mind-neurodivergence-clusterb.md).

Their [philosophy](philosophy.md) and general attitude won't accommodate other viewpoints or [the unknown](unknown.md).

- Typically, our [logic](logic.md) requires us to accept things as outwardly verifiable ("problematic" or "assertoric").
  - We tend to [trust](mind-trust.md) the world around us, with only some things that are verifiable in our own mind (e.g., [math](math.md)).
- By contrast, the narcissist is unable to accept things outside themselves, so they state things as a self-contained truth ("apodictic").
  - This is because the statements are a part of their [identity](people-identity.md)
- For example, "everyone loves me" an outwardly verifiable statement, but a narcissist will see that as a truth unto itself.

[Love](people-love.md) covers a multitude of sins, but narcissists don't recognize love in any conventional sense.

- The only "love" they understand is others making disproportionate sacrifices for them relative to the sacrifices they make for others.
- This mindset also means they find legitimate human connection with others a waste of time.
  - They will also hate others' expression of gentler [feelings](mind-feelings.md) than resentment and anger, such as joy or sadness.
- In that absence of love, the only thing they seek is [power](power.md), and they *constantly* monitor the dominance hierarchy to see how they can climb it.

Behind the anger, their dominant motivation is [anxiety](mind-feelings-fear.md).

- They're caught between two competing and incompatible motivations:
  1. The perceived need for human connection.
  2. The perceived need that they must release their pent-up anger, sadness, and unease.
- Because of this, they're constantly waiting for the eventual end of every favorable social experience and for people to reject them.
- All of their thoughts, feelings, and behavior is a direct reaction to that anxiety.

Their inappropriate behavior will create a loop over time:

1. An action performed in anger, which will often be a [sin](morality-justice.md) against someone.
2. Unconscious, repressed guilt over that action's consequences.
3. Through not being [self-aware](mind-awareness.md), the unresolved guilt becomes [shame](mind-feelings-shame.md).
4. That guilt arises later from another experience (often from those consequences or someone triggering them).
5. Generalized rage, directed toward the trigger of the shame ("narcissistic rage").
6. Go back to Step 1.

If they were being bluntly honest, they'd say the following:

1. "Why can't everyone just let me say what I want without consequence?"
2. "I don't really mean it, and I just need to vent my issues."
3. "It seems like everyone is out to get me when they try to shut it down."
4. "I do know what's best, so why can't everything just go my way?"
5. "I just want to be free to have my tantrum!"

## The mythology of narcissism

Since most people understand [love](people-love.md) in some capacity, the narcissistic drive for [power](power.md) alone is very difficult for them to understand.

In general, most people make more of the narcissist's abuse than the narcissist themselves will think of it.

- Most of the time, they're utterly oblivious to the pain and suffering they cause, but are acutely aware of their own pain.
  - At the far end, there have been stories of narcissists who punch someone, then demand the victim apologize for hurting their hand.

This dramatization is heightened through most [fictional stories](stories-fiction.md), since many of them depict narcissists as the story's dominant antagonist or anti-hero.

- This storytelling convention is very easy, since a narcissist never encounters a character arc like any mentally well person would develop.
- In fact, their presence is *so* prevalent that most non-narcissist-related stories only fall into a few genres:
  - Kid-friendly
  - Violent (e.g., war, horror)
  - Romance

In particular, the covert narcissist is most closely represented in monster movies as a [mythological](stories-myths.md) vampire:

- Charming and alluring at first, but is secretly a monster.
- Drains the blood of others to sustain themselves.
  - A bit like narcissistic supply, where others' "life" is sapped for their continued existence.
- Lives in the darkness and the light kills it.
  - Represents the constant lies and secrets they perpetuate and need for their narcissistic supply.
- The victims they don't kill can become the monster themselves.
  - Narcissistic abuse survivors often become narcissists as well if they don't learn to work through and release their [anger](mind-feelings-anger.md) to God.
- Can only enter a home that others gave them permission to enter.
  - They infiltrate through the [consent](people-contracts.md) of well-meaning people.
- They can't step inside a church.
  - The [love](people-love.md) and [community](groups-large.md) that comes with legitimate [church experience](church.md) rapidly stops all narcissistic behavior.
  - This extends to the crucifix, which represents the complete sacrifice of [Jesus Christ](https://theologos.site/gospel/), which dismantles everything they stand for.
- The garlic deters them because it is an ancient antiseptic, but is also a bit of a social deterrent (since garlic breath is *not* pleasant).
- The undying nature comes through how a narcissist never seems to receive the proper justice they deserve.

## A narcissist's descent

The nature of this means anyone with a [Cluster B personality](mind-neurodivergence-clusterb.md) can become NPD if they have unresolved anger, and it's entirely possible that narcisstic behavior can lead to a narcissistic personality as well over time.

Over time, the [habits](habits.md) of a narcissist are completely self-aligned.

- Even social habits are simply defined by others' approval in the pursuit of selfish goals.
- To that end, [sexual](relationships-sex.md) motivation doesn't really incorporate the other person, and is instead an attempt to turn sexual desire into socially acceptable standards.
  - The result of this is self-sexuality ("autoeroticism").
  - Many derived sexual fetishes (e.g., sadism) come from that self-sexuality.
- The implications of this sexual self-alignment create dramatic political ripples:
  - Throughout history, many forms of collectively acceptable behavior are the majority conforming to large-scale narcissists' wishes.
  - The [leftward](politics-leftism.md) push toward glorifying homosexuals is effectively promoting mental illness.
  - Modern philosophers (e.g., Nietzsche, Kant) were very likely narcissists.

This decline would be tragic enough, but they will create complexities with others around them by [traversing through eight stages of abuse](hardship-abuse-narcissist-stages.md) with every victim willing to engage in their downward spiral.

Since narcissistic behavior is *extremely* antisocial, this behavior eventually catches up with someone.

- Over time, they develop a reputation for being manipulative, dishonorable, and abusive.
- Sometimes their consequences come as a grandiose public scandal, but they more often come through a community bearing witness to their [hardship](hardship.md) and collectively doing very little to help them from prior experience or rumor of their behavior.
- Many times, this journey dovetails closely with the behaviors of [addicts](addiction.md).

Further, their inability to self-reflect means they'll never [change](people-changes.md).

- More frequently, their successes in exerting control will give them a delusion over how much control they really have over others.

However, as they start losing control, several predictable tactics will often hasten their crisis:

- They'll escalate their lies with everyone willing to listen.
  - Those lies will include smearing their victims even worse.
- They'll pick fights over absolutely nothing important.
- Their allies will eventually become enemies when they hold them accountable, and then won't be available to help them later.
- They'll make *very* reckless [decisions](mind-decisions.md) that self-sabotage.
  - Reckless spending
  - Sexual infidelity
  Committing [crimes](legal-crimes.md)
  - [Abusing others](hardship-abuse.md)
  - [Addictive substances](addiction-substances.md)

All of their behaviors will be driven by several motivators:

1. Raw, unbridled [anger](mind-feelings-anger.md), but subdued and directed through an unwillingness to investigate the precise source of where that anger comes from.
2. Within that anger, a need to maintain the control they see themselves losing.
   - They're trying to [sell](marketing.md) others on supporting them, so they will become absurdly dramatic in their efforts.
3. Since they're losing control and beside themselves with anger, they won't be able to maintain their composure and will resort to some form of violence or recklessness.

## The cure for narcissism

The only cure is for God to directly touch their heart, since nobody else will be able to perform the patience and kindness necessary to change the narcissist's value system.

- They essentially must learn to transplant anger for love.
- In a clinical environment, they will have to progress through many stages of therapy:
  0. Acknowledgment: a select few will accept that therapy may be advantageous
  1. Symptom relief or appeasement: most of them will look to get relief from their constant misery, but will leave as soon as they feel better or the person/group is appeased.
  2. Avoid future pain: some of them will find therapy more interesting than they expected, and may continue long enough to understand their triggers and make a plan to avoid future pain
  3. Identify coping mechanisms: they understand and identify their primary defense patterns, which is fairly easy because they won't feel they're being judged
  4. Create new coping mechanisms: they'll open themselves up to discussing alternate strategies to meet their needs that are more constructive
  5. Form new habits: they'll be encouraged to inhibit the old narcissistic habits and integrate more pro-social behaviors
  6. Impact on other people: they usually feel so much [shame](mind-feelings-shame.md) that they can't accept their effect on others until they have new coping patterns in place, so they will be encouraged to consider other people's needs specifically in how it benefits them
  7. Focus on childhood pain: their life is generally calmer and they've learned to cope through many situations, this allows the therapy to focus on childhood pain and for them to develop a more stable and realistic image of themselves
  8. Update the inner voice: they are encouraged to visit the early childhood "scripts" they haven't updated and give more accurate updates to it
  9. Empathy for other people: once they understand and have come to terms with their own pain, they can start looking at others' pain
  10. Authenticity: they feel safe to share their "bad side" because they know they are safe from judgment

More abstractly, the solution requires several stages:

1. Accept they are loved by [God](theology-god.md).
2. Sacrifice their personal experiences to pay attention to others who legitimately need love.
3. Recognize others' feelings as having equal validity to their own.
4. In a moment of devotion, sacrifice themselves for another's well-being.

Since this is a self-discovery, they may need to experience tremendous [hardship](hardship.md) from their own consequences to come to their realization.

- Even then, their repentance may only be a [fear of death](hardship-death.md) or [consequences](results.md).

Most NPD will die without treatment, since any form of psychological treatment for NPD is, by its nature, [anathema](morality-taboo.md) to a narcissist.

- Most of the time, they will be diagnosed due to [incarceration](hardship-incarceration.md) or other legal context that requires it.

A narcissist can legitimately repent (and not simply act out a role).

- This is extremely rare, but possible.
- They will demonstrate three things at once:
  1. An unprovoked apologetic attitude for their specific wrongdoing.
  2. A desire to restore what they've broken, even if they must pay dearly for it.
  3. Zero expectation of the other person forgiving them.
- This is not likely, though, and [it's better to move on](hardship-abuse-narcissist.md) if they're in your life.