# Demonstrations of bad parenting

Only a few things cause the worst parenting:

- Focusing on what the child is doing instead of what causes their behavior (which often expresses as an "I feel..." or "I need..." statement).
- [Fear](mind-feelings-fear.md)-driven prevention of letting a child learn things for themselves.
- Impatience at a child's comparatively aimless or whimsical approach to tasks.
- A narrow [cultural range](people-culture.md) from only a few caretakers (i.e, no extended family or friends babysitting).

Watch for frequent discipline:

- There are only a few possible reasons why a child needs constant correction:
  1. The child feels uncertain about something, so they're feeling out the boundaries.
  2. The parents are failing at setting and maintaining enforceable, logical boundaries.
  3. The child doesn't feel loved, so they're seeking attention to establish their [identity](identity.md) with something.
- Be *very* careful if you observe yourself scaling up your disciplines to resolve an issue, since your choice of correction is obviously not working as well.

Domestic abuse comes in all varieties:

- Physical abuse is the most visible, and can include striking, beating, burning, throwing, and dropping.
- Emotional and psychological abuse involves devaluing someone, and happens whenever someone doesn't feel loved.
- Neglect abuse involves not affirming and giving children what they need, whether it's physical or psychological.
- Financial abuse involves forbidding someone to use money in the household without open discussion about it.
- Often, most other forms of abuse can create psychological abuse after the fact, where a single glance or statement can create further [trauma](hardship-ptsd.md).

Avoid extreme passivity:

- Ignoring visible problems and hoping the child will eventually learn or things will get better:
  - The issues won't resolve themselves.
  - Instead, children will feel neglected and confused by a hands-off approach.
- Staying too busy working to involve themselves with the child's life:
  - If neglected children don't see how busy their parents are, they'll feel unloved.
- Trusting institutional groups more than themselves (e.g., church, school):
  - More than anything else, a child needs both parents.
  - Even if it's inconvenient or you feel unqualified, never dismiss how much that child needs you.

Don't over-control:

- Excessive concern with making children "behave" while overlooking their motivations:
  - Children in excessively controlling homes learn to hate authority and rules.
  - Most of the time, they learn their life lessons later outside the home.
- Setting stringent, immovable rules:
  - The rules must ease up as the child matures or [their teenage years](parenting-3_teenagers.md) become unbearable.
- Forced to do homework for hours every night:
  - If they honor their parents, they can easily become a workaholic adult.
  - Forcing homework time doesn't give them the freedom to fail.
    - If they're old enough to be assigned homework, they're responsible for it without supervision.
  - Children learn the most from stimulation and experiences beyond schoolwork.

Avoid getting overly involved:

- Taking the children to every possible extracurricular activity:
  - Up to a point, extracurricular activities are great for children.
  - The activities are excessive when:
    1. There's no "downtime" for the child to process their experiences.
    2. The parents are getting burned out and miserable.
- Preventing the children from failing or hurting themselves:
  - While it hurts to watch, children must learn to manage failures and setbacks because [most adult life is about persevering](success-5_persevering.md).
  - They often come to expect that you'll *always* solve their problems, long into adulthood.
  - Also, overprotective parenting often leads to adult binge-drinking and drug abuse.
- Giving the child endless fun or the absolute best of everything:
  - It's setting false expectations for them about the world.
  - While seeing your children happy is fun, they'll be anxious about the rest of the world.
  - It's easier to give them what they want than hear them complain, but you're harming their ability to succeed.
    - Instead, teach the importance of delayed gratification and changing things you *can* do something about.
  - Constant snacking makes them constantly needy and increases the chances of future obesity.

Don't distort their self-image:

- Giving ego-inflating affirmations:
  - Children who think they're smart, gifted, brilliant, and better than the other kids will expect everyone else to constantly praise them.
  - Praise children for what they do, never for who they are, and only if it's a new thing for them.
  - Creating awards for general things will encourage them to either succeed for awards or become discouraged without prizes.
- Using children as an excuse for lousy lifestyle decisions:
  - Children are oblivious to most of their environment until they're older, but they can feel shame more than you.
  - Children can adapt to any career or lifestyle changes, but only make your decisions to benefit the whole family.
  - Justifying a poor choice as "for the kids" will damage your child's trust in your ability to make decisions later
  - Fun things outside your financial means lead to [worse problems later](money-2_debt.md).
- Giving frequent negative reinforcement:
  - If a child feels inferior, they'll become perfectionists, apathetic, or a mix of both.
  - Since they didn't ask to be born, repeating how much you had to sacrifice for them sets an unfair expectation on them.
  - Comparing kids to others, especially their siblings, makes them feel their only value is in what they do.

Don't lie to them:

- Making up stories to deter behavior, since they'll eventually outgrow them and come to resent you.
- Teaching about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny or Tooth Fairy:
  - The stories contribute to an entitlement mentality, especially with Santa Claus.
  - Though a child's blissful happiness is fun, they will feel deeply betrayed and distrust you later.
- Scaring children with stories to maintain good behavior:
  - While this tradition is as old as history, children never outgrow remembering what you scared them with.
  - Once they find out, they'll explore other legitimately risky endeavors to see if you were mistaken about those as well.

## Family dysfunction

Eventually, mental disorders will make a dysfunctional family.

Dysfunctional families share certain qualities:

- Extremely rigid family rules and roles
- Little or no back-and-forth communication
- High levels of tension or plenty of arguing
- Family members use the coping mechanisms of silence, blame, and avoidance
- Members are generally encouraged never to feel, talk or trust

Underneath the facade, dysfunctional families share a similar attitude:

- The group, family, or environment is responsible for changing, not the individual
- While members feel controlled by others, they take responsibility for others' feelings, thoughts, and actions
- [Conflicts](people-5_conflicts.md) are locked in a vicious cycle of blame toward other members
- Members can't set or enforce effective [boundaries](people-3_respect.md) to protect themselves

Dysfunctional families adopt extreme roles:

- They are often physically, sexually, psychologically, or emotionally abused or abusive.
- They'll often demonstrate too much or too little sexual behavior.)
- They'll find [addictions](addiction.md) and will lock into mental disorders:
  - Chemical dependency on drugs or alcohol
  - Compulsive eating, dieting or gambling
  - Workaholic or addicted to a lifestyle

Dysfunctional families always form a few major archetypes:
- Hero
  - Expected to fix everything, and they usually rise to that challenge.
  - They usually outwork everyone and [succeed](success-1_why.md) tremendously, but are usually [addicted to something](addiction-substances.md), never feel good enough, and are rarely [satisfied](mind-feelings-happiness.md).
- Scapegoat
  - That person is declared the *cause* of the family's problems, so they usually identify with that role, which leads to them eventually adopting counter-cultural and antisocial things.
  - They usually have trouble with self-acceptance and finding [happiness](mind-feelings-happiness.md) without a perceived enemy.
- Lost Child
  - The family is so busy with the Scapegoat that they don't meet their needs, so they learn to be self-sufficient.
  - They usually have trouble working with others or when others depend on them.
- Clown/Mascot
  - They're trying to release all the stress of everyone else by being funny and entertaining.
  - They tend to have trouble seriously discussing [in-depth issues](people-5_conflicts.md).
- Enabler/Caretaker
  - They assume responsibility for everyone else's possessions and actions.
  - Their greatest fear is for others to not need them.