# How to make rules

The purpose of setting boundaries in the household is to teach good values:

- Your broad purpose should be to create loving adults.
  - If you're simply trying to "survive", you'll teach them to focus on "surviving" by your example.
- There are many aspects to this that include sharing, kindness, responsibility, perseverance, problem-solving, patience, graciousness, and altruism.
- Only two methods can drive them to good deeds:
  1. [Fear](mind-feelings-fear.md), which comes through harshly enforced rules, creates instant consequences and is only as effective as you can scare them.
  2. [Love](people-love.md), which includes a sense of [responsibility](meaning.md), takes time to nurture but works irrespective of your presence.
- A child will either grow to love or fear their parents more, but they desperately want a loving connection with their parents more than anything else.

They must live by the rules you set, or you have bad rules:

1. At first, they'll try to do *exactly* what you require.
   - They'll take you completely literally.
   - If they don't think they can do it, they'll become discouraged and give up trying.
2. They'll break the rules, just to see what happens, and will often try again and again for state-based permutations of the situation.
   - They're usually curious, not malicious.
   - At this point, to communicate their misbehavior as unacceptable, you must correct them with discipline.
   - However, if they feel the discipline was unfair, they'll often do it repeatedly to investigate how it was unfair.
3. Once they understand the rules and the consequences, they'll leave it alone.
4. However, if anything changes (such as them learning something new or a major life event) or it's been a long enough time, they'll revisit breaking that rule to see if the consequences have changed.

## Reward good behavior

Frequently affirm their good decisions:

- "Try it out!"
- "It's your choice."
- "We love you, and you are safe."
- "You make me happy."
- "I trust and believe in you."
- "Have a great day, and don't forget who you are."
- "Accidents happen!"
- When they succeed, print out certificates that show their accomplishments (e.g., being awarded on this day of June 13th for cleaning your room without being asked).

Teach them the correlation between work and rewards by giving incentives:

- Ice cream
- Toys or games
- Educational things they're interested in
- More fun, kid-friendly variations of staple items like bedding or soap
- Go to fun places like video game arcades or amusement parks

Turn their routine into a game:

- Make their meal like a mission with objectives.
- Make their food look like cute animals.

Ask them how they were able to succeed, since they'll love explaining the details to you.

## Always address bad behaviors

Never, ever reward bad behavior.

- If you've relented and rewarded bad behavior, a child will learn they can get what they want if they persevere with enough bad behavior.
- Most parents fail against the single-minded focus of a child's will, which is why [it needs a strong marriage](relationships-marriage.md), tons of love, and a community to consult for advice.

Closely consider their motivations, and don't be afraid of a [direct conflict](people-conflicts.md) with them.

If you have a reward for them planned for the future, do *not* make it something you or other family members will enjoy as well (e.g., an amusement park).

- They might make a bad decision by that time, which will make the consequences very complicated.
- You have 2 choices: either make that experience miserable specifically for the child (e.g., no snacks for them at the amusement park) or deliver the consequence of their bad behavior (and infractions during the enjoyable event) *after* the experience.

No matter what, *always* give empathy:

- By providing [empathy](people-3_respect.md), you are respecting them and communicating that you love them.
- Empathy opens people to learning, since they feel safe knowing that other people understand their feelings.
  - Giving empathy halts our impulse to blame "mean" people, and instead we focus on mixing ourselves into the possible sources of the blame.
- Empathy also softens the blow for the uncomfortable rules and standards you'll be setting.
  - However, your empathy must come *before* the bad news or consequences, not after they're aware of it.
- Very frequently, when they have to suffer the consequences of their actions, you should *only* show empathy.
  - You'll often feel like a monster, but intervening with the consequences of their actions can frequently steal away a critical [life lesson](understanding.md) for them.

Never, *ever* argue:

- While it's fine to discuss, a child will argue to get out of trouble.
  - A child can successfully wear down absolutely *every* parenting method with enough arguing.
  - If you start arguing, you're in no emotional state at that moment to discuss the matter.
- Neutralizing arguing is profoundly simple:
  1. Do not think heavily on the subject or let your feelings take over.
  2. Have a predetermined one-line statement of your choice:
     - I love you too much to argue.
     - I know.
     - What did I say?
     - Thanks for sharing.
     - I'll love you wherever you live.
     - I only argue at 6 a.m. on Saturdays.
     - (nonverbal sigh of affirmation)
  3. Calmly repeat that line with empathy, not anger or sarcasm.
- The reason you're using a one-line statement is to say "I love you enough to set some limits" and "I love you too much to waste time arguing with you."
  - If done correctly, it completely sidesteps the argument because the parent isn't dropping into a [contention](people-conflicts.md).

If you ever say "no", stay consistent and *never, ever relent*.

- If you do relent, children will never take you seriously, since your word means nothing.
- This is why it's important to only say "no" to things you can fully enforce, which often requires consulting others.
- Children are often asking for possessions they *know* they don't deserve, but want to test to see if they can get it.

While they'll be impulsive to solve the problem *now*, you are 100% free to delay consequences:

- "I'm going to have to do something about this, but not now...later."
- "No problem. I love you too much to fight over this. I'll take care of this later.
- Contrary to conventional wisdom, scientific studies have proven that delaying consequences is *better* than giving them instantly.
  1. You're buying time to ensure you're not disciplining with anger or anxiety.
  2. You have enough time to think out and discuss with others of a reasonable, logical consequence for their misbehavior.
  3. Children have to live with the pain of uncertainty over the pending consequences they'll have to suffer.
  4. Children will learn that you're human as well, which adds to their ability to recognize your empathy for them.

If they ever bite you, push whatever part of you they're biting further into their mouth to create the automatic reaction of opening their mouth.

## Only make reasonable consequences

Setting reliable limits is a relatively straightforward process:

1. Find 1 routine thing you're going to confront.
   - Only focus on changing one habit/pattern at a time, since that's [the only way to successfully change habits anyway](habits.md).
2. Plan to restrict an activity or privilege, but don't do it yet.
   - That restriction must be enforceable, with very specific criteria about what you'll do, how long, and what conditions it'll persist.
3. Discuss it with at least a few people and do some research and reading on it.
4. Get support from other involved adults (coaches, teachers, etc.)
5. After you're 100% sure you know how to respond to every possible action they take, execute the plan.
6. Avoid nagging or reminding them, and let them experience the consequences of your predetermined, well-researched framework.

If you succeed with one specific consequence, children will rapidly pick up a pattern and make changes on their own without further [conflicts](people-conflicts.md) about it.
The only way consequences work is because the child knows they are loved.

- Otherwise, without love, the child will see their consequences as a challenge to overcome or an obstacle in the way of what they want.
- Children only become successful adults in their 20s when they see their parents as *both* powerful and loving.
- Constantly affirm your love for them, especially when you wake up and go to bed.
- Note special things throughout the day that they're doing.
- Even when they're behaving terribly, you can still love them by expressing empathy for the consequences they're feeling.

Don't take things away from children, since they will grow resentful of you for it.

- However, you can allow them to use their possessions to raise money to solve problems that they've created.
- Thus, you can give them things when life is going well, with the understanding that they may use it later to redeem themselves from the issues they've created.

The consequences must be reasonable and must reflect reality as closely as possible while staying safe for the child.

The more consequences they learn early on, the more prepared they are for the rest of life.

Effective consequences have the following criteria:

1. They're LOGICAL relative to the child's mistake or behavior.
2. They're provided with LOVE via sincere empathy.
3. They're ENFORCEABLE without punishing the parent in the process.
4. They're preceded, given, and followed by VERY FEW WORDS, with no lectures or nagging, and often no advance warning of what the consequence will be.
5. When they're over, THEY'RE OVER, with no revisiting them or discussions about them.

Logical consequences are extremely difficult to enforce, for several reasons:

- Many consequences don't create adverse consequences for a very long time (e.g., not doing homework or yelling when angry).
- The [creative ability](mind-creativity.md) of each child is often far greater than a parent can control, so children quickly find workarounds to any rule.
- For many consequences, you often see the outcome immediately and think, "I really don't want to have to fix/clean/say..."
  - Most parents reject that thought, then try to do things that will make the *parents* feel more comfortable with their child's consequences.

The only way to find logical consequences for actions requires consulting other people to find all the possible ways the child will likely think ahead to subvert the rule.

- Often, this means saying, "I'll think about the consequence of this, and it's coming later".
- As long as you deliver a consequence later for their actions, children learn *more* from it than if you'd delivered it immediately.
  - You can survive your child being upset.
  - However, never wait more than 1 day for the consequences for children under the age of 5.
- Delivering it later gives you plenty of time to discuss with others.
- In a conventional home, a mother can often defer to a father later: "wait until your father comes home".

By lavishing a child with privileges and possessions, you have more things you can use as discipline, as well as more freedoms and fun for them if they behave well.

- Children are only spoiled from not receiving an adverse consequence for their behavior, *not* from the possessions or freedoms themselves.
- Even if you don't have a lot of [money](money-1_why.md), you can still [create](mind-creativity-how.md) things for them or perform tasks for them.

The consequence must be enforceable:

- You can't make a child brush their teeth, but can only give treats to children who do.
- You can't make them not roll their eyes at you, but you can choose to withhold things.
- You can't stop them from spending time playing video games or watching TV, but can choose whether you'll permit them in your home.
- You can't make them go to sleep, but can wake them up early, remove lightbulbs, or shut off electricity.
- You can't stop kids from arguing, but can charge them for the time they're fighting with each other.
- You can't make children eat, but can cut off snacks until they finish their normal meal.
- Ground them and restrict their toys, electronics, or privileges.
- You can't make them come in at night if they violate curfew, but you *can* lock them out overnight.
- Instead of confiscating their phone, you can take away their phone charger until they do chores.
- On long road trips, bring a large bag of candy you promise to give them at the end, then throw a piece out the window every time they misbehave.
- If children fight with each other, put them together in time-out in a large Get Along Shirt.
- Change the Wi-Fi password daily, then require them to do their chores if they want the password.

There are a few specific reasons that logical and enforceable consequences *won't* work:

- The parent is delivering it with the purpose of vengeance for the pain they've experienced, which makes the child vengeful in return.
- The parent is angry, frustrated, or delivers the message sarcastically, which provokes the child to wonder if the parent's mood can change the outcome.
- Children will always come to need at least the same number of warnings and reminders as the parents give, and will appear deaf once you're [habituated](habits.md) to doing it.
- The parents feel sorry for their child and relent from the consequence, which teaches the child that they're not smart enough to learn from their mistakes.

To make consequences work, they must be separate from the child.

- Regardless of what your son or daughter does, you'll still love them, so the consequences have nothing to do with whether you love them, and you *must* communicate that.
- Don't get emotionally attached to the consequences you're delivering.
- When they say "I hate you", they only hate the power you wield over them.