# The boundaries that need setting with children

## What they must know

Make a list of up to 10 things, more importantly than anything else, you want your child to know by adulthood:

- This won't be exact and will somewhat shift throughout their childhood.
- However, it should give you an approximate set of values to frame the [culture](people-culture.md) you want them to carry into the rest of their lives.

They must know they're loved:

- Like adults, children do things for social praise, status, and influence far more than a physical reward, but desperately crave approval and acceptance much more than adults.
- More than anything else, they need constant affirmation and clarification that they matter to you, are important, that you care about them, and that you notice them.
- Focus exclusively on them when you speak with them, and redirect yourself back to the conversation if you get distracted.
- Spend at least 1-2 hours daily with them.
- Let them overhear that you love them and believe in them.
- However, at the same time, *never* affirm them for what they have no control over (e.g., intelligence, strength) and focus instead on what they've decided (e.g., problem-solving, helpfulness).
- Even when they say and think silly things, utterly respect them and their views.

Children must internalize several critical skills to succeed:

1. Self-confidence that they are capable of accomplishing, which only comes from them *actually* risking and succeeding at something.
2. Empathy for others, which they should express as motivation to act to alleviate others' suffering.
3. Self-control over their attention, [feelings](mind-feelings.md), [thoughts](understanding.md), [actions](people-decisions.md), and desires.
4. [Social skills](people-rules.md) for interacting with other children and adults, especially with respect to their most severe [eccentricities](personality.md).
5. [Ethical behavior](morality.md) that keeps them honest and considerate.
6. Curiosity about the world around them.
7. Perseverance to keep going when they want to give up.
8. Optimism about [the world they don't know](unknown.md).

They need to know what they're permitted to do:

- They have no context for the appropriate way to feel and express their feelings and thoughts.
- Verbally instruct them as much as possible about what's okay and not okay.
- They always have the right to punch a pillow, talk out their frustrations, express disagreement, explain why they disagree, and do something productive with their frustrations.
- They *never* have the right to scream, throw things in anger, break things that aren't theirs, or hurt others.

They must learn awareness and reasoning:

- Children have the reasoning skills of drunk people.
  - Don't expect them to understand subtleties.
  - They're literally oblivious to [clutter](organization.md), [messes](home-housekeeping.md), [personal hygiene](people-2_image.md), or [good manners](people-3_respect.md).
  - Expect that you'll frequently repeat yourself.
  - Stay vigilant about their behaviors and motivations.
- Teach children to slow down and [meditate](awareness.md) whenever they start losing control of themselves.
- Children don't know what they need, but they often know exactly what they want.
  - Giving children everything they want distorts their perspective of the world.
  - Structure your rewards and live your life to teach them the value of hard work and the importance of waiting.
  - Schedule and communicate most of their lives to give them clear limits and boundaries.
- If they're upset about losing something, that's all they'll think about.
  - They're often more disturbed by failed expectations than by the loss of the thing itself.
  - Express plenty of empathy for the loss, then redirect their attention to something else and affirm your love for them.
- Ask them questions that provoke them to consider their actions and behaviors.
  - Their strongest lessons come from things they've discovered themselves.
- Teach them the good *and* bad sides of things.
  - Most parents teach the bad sides of dangerous things like drugs and premarital sex but will fail to explain why people do them in the first place.
  - More information is *always* better.
  - They'll listen while they're young, and once they become teenagers will likely seek answers elsewhere that you didn't provide.

They must learn a wide variety of life skills:

- [Effectively communicating](language-speaking.md) their thoughts and feelings
  - They must learn [good manners](people-3_respect.md).
  - They must learn to properly handle [conflicts](people-5_conflicts.md), ideally through negotiating a "third option".
- [Writing](language-writing.md) well
  - The ability to write well in modern society by typing is *far* more powerful than speaking or handwriting well.
- Home skills like [cooking](cooking.md) and [housekeeping](home-housekeeping.md)
- Self-maintenance skills like [hygiene](people-2_image.md) and [weight management](body-2_diet.md)
- How to stay safe, both physically and [legally](legal-safety.md)
- How to make responsible and healthy decisions later about [dating](relationships-dating.md), [relationships](relationships-marriage.md), and [having children of their own](parenting-babies.md).
- It's worth noting that, as a parent, they'll learn far more from your example than from anything you'll verbally teach them, and [they'll still have to discover it on their own](parenting-3_teenagers.md).

Help them manage uncertainty and ambiguity:

- Give them the correct context to express and anticipate trauma, joy, hope, and love.
- By age 7, they can imagine the concept of infinity, so openly discuss the [eternal questions](paradoxes.md) about life, conception, aging, [death](hardship-death.md), and [things *nobody* knows](religion.md).

They must learn how to manage money:

- Your child should understand how to spend, save, and budget [money](money-1_why.md)before they're old enough to take risks with large-scale consequences.
- You are 100% responsible for their spending lifestyle when they're first adults.
  - Children learn more from money about how you live than from what you say.
- Ages 3-5:
  - They must understand that money is necessary to buy things.
    - Have them buy things with money.
  - They must also understand that people earn money from working.
  - Strictly enforce the importance of delayed gratification.
  - Teach them the difference between a want and a need.
- Ages 6-10:
  - Instead of an allowance, pay commissions for added work beyond the normal contributions.
    - An allowance implies that money is always available, but commissions show money's limits and benefits.
  - Teach the importance of [keeping personal information private](computers-cysec.md), especially with online vendors.
  - Group their money into 3 categories:
    1. Giving
       - Stress the importance of giving by making them give.
       - The amount of money donated directly corresponds to their generosity.
    2. Saving
       - Make it at least a dime for every dollar.
       - To make it more visually appealing, use a clear jar.
    3. Spending
- Ages 11-13:
  - Teach them how you can only spend money once.
  - Show them how to [comparison-shop](money-4_spending.md).
  - Open a few accounts for them and give monthly reviews:
    1. A checking account for their spending
    2. A savings account to show how compound interest works
  - Teach them about how compounding interest on unpaid [debt](money-2_debt.md) can charge more than they spent.

## Making rules

The purpose of setting boundaries in the household is to teach good values:

- Your broad purpose should be to create loving adults.
  - If you're simply trying to "survive", you'll teach them to focus on "surviving" by your example.
- There are many aspects to this that include sharing, kindness, responsibility, perseverance, problem-solving, patience, graciousness, and altruism.
- Only two methods can drive them to good deeds:
  1. [Fear](mind-feelings-fear.md), which comes through harshly enforced rules, creates instant consequences and is only as effective as you can scare them.
  2. [Love](people-love.md), which includes a sense of [responsibility](meaning.md), takes time to nurture but works irrespective of your presence.
- A child will either grow to love or fear their parents more, but they desperately want a loving connection with their parents more than anything else.

They must live by the rules you set, or you have bad rules:

1. At first, they'll try to do *exactly* what you require.
   - They'll take you completely literally.
   - If they don't think they can do it, they'll become discouraged and give up trying.
2. They'll break the rules, just to see what happens, and will often try again and again for state-based permutations of the situation.
   - They're usually curious, not malicious.
   - At this point, to communicate their misbehavior as unacceptable, you must correct them with discipline.
   - However, if they feel the discipline was unfair, they'll often do it repeatedly to investigate how it was unfair.
3. Once they understand the rules and the consequences, they'll leave it alone.
4. However, if anything changes (such as them learning something new or a major life event) or it's been a long enough time, they'll revisit breaking that rule to see if the consequences have changed.

### Reward good behavior

Frequently affirm their good decisions:

- "Try it out!"
- "It's your choice."
- "We love you, and you are safe."
- "You make me happy."
- "I trust and believe in you."
- "Have a great day, and don't forget who you are."
- "Accidents happen!"
- When they succeed, print out certificates that show their accomplishments (e.g., being awarded on this day of June 13th for cleaning your room without being asked).

Teach them the correlation between work and rewards by giving incentives:

- Ice cream
- Toys or games
- Educational things they're interested in
- More fun, kid-friendly variations of staple items like bedding or soap
- Go to fun places like video game arcades or amusement parks

Turn their routine into a game:

- Make their meal like a mission with objectives.
- Make their food look like cute animals.

Ask them how they were able to succeed, since they'll love explaining the details to you.

### Always address bad behaviors

Never, ever reward bad behavior.

- If you've relented and rewarded bad behavior, a child will learn they can get what they want if they persevere with enough bad behavior.
- Most parents fail against against the single-minded focus of a child's will, which is why [it needs a strong marriage](relationships-marriage.md), tons of love, and a community to consult for advice.

Closely consider their motivations, and don't be afraid of a [direct conflict](people-5_conflicts.md) with them.

If you have a reward for them planned for the future, do *not* make it something you or other family members will enjoy as well (e.g., an amusement park).

- They might make a bad decision by that time, which will make the consequences very complicated.
- You have 2 choices: either make that experience miserable specifically for the child (e.g., no snacks for them at the amusement park) or deliver the consequence of their bad behavior (and infractions during the enjoyable event) *after* the experience.

No matter what, *always* give empathy:

- By providing [empathy](people-3_respect.md), you are respecting them and communicating that you love them.
- Empathy opens people to learning, since they feel safe knowing that other people understand their feelings.
  - Giving empathy halts our impulse to blame "mean" people, and instead we focus on mixing ourselves into the possible sources of the blame.
- Empathy also softens the blow for the uncomfortable rules and standards you'll be setting.
  - However, your empathy must come *before* the bad news or consequences, not after they're aware of it.
- Very frequently, when they have to suffer the consequences of their actions, you should *only* show empathy.
  - You'll often feel like a monster, but intervening with the consequences of their actions can frequently steal away a critical [life lesson](understanding.md) for them.

Never, *ever* argue:

- While it's fine to discuss, a child will argue to get out of trouble.
  - A child can successfully wear down absolutely *every* parenting method with enough arguing.
  - If you start arguing, you're in no emotional state at that moment to discuss the matter.
- Neutralizing arguing is profoundly simple:
  1. Do not think heavily on the subject or let your feelings take over.
  2. Have a predetermined one-line statement of your choice:
     - I love you too much to argue.
     - I know.
     - What did I say?
     - Thanks for sharing.
     - I'll love you wherever you live.
     - I only argue at 6 a.m. on Saturdays.
     - (nonverbal sigh of affirmation)
  3. Calmly repeat that line with empathy, not anger or sarcasm.
- The reason you're using a one-line statement is to say "I love you enough to set some limits" and "I love you too much to waste time arguing with you."
  - If done correctly, it completely sidesteps the argument because the parent isn't dropping into a [contention](people-5_conflicts.md).

If you ever say "no", stay consistent and *never, ever relent*.

- If you do relent, children will never take you seriously, since your word means nothing.
- This is why it's important to only say "no" to things you can fully enforce, which often requires consulting others.
- Children are often asking for possessions they *know* they don't deserve, but want to test to see if they can get it.

While they'll be impulsive to solve the problem *now*, you are 100% free to delay consequences:

- "I'm going to have to do something about this, but not now...later."
- "No problem. I love you too much to fight over this. I'll take care of this later.
- Contrary to conventional wisdom, scientific studies have proven that delaying consequences is *better* than giving them instantly.
  1. You're buying time to ensure you're not disciplining with anger or anxiety.
  2. You have enough time to think out and discuss with others of a reasonable, logical consequence for their misbehavior.
  3. Children have to live with the pain of uncertainty over the pending consequences they'll have to suffer.
  4. Children will learn that you're human as well, which adds to their ability to recognize your empathy for them.

### Only make reasonable consequences

Setting reliable limits is a relatively straightforward process:

1. Find 1 routine thing you're going to confront.
   - Only focus on changing one habit/pattern at a time, since that's [the only way to successfully change habits anyway](habits.md).
2. Plan to restrict an activity or privilege, but don't do it yet.
   - That restriction must be enforceable, with very specific criteria about what you'll do, how long, and what conditions it'll persist.
3. Discuss it with at least a few people and do some research and reading on it.
4. Get support from other involved adults (coaches, teachers, etc.)
5. After you're 100% sure you know how to respond to every possible action they take, execute the plan.
6. Avoid nagging or reminding them, and let them experience the consequences of your predetermined, well-researched framework.

If you succeed with one specific consequence, children will rapidly pick up a pattern and make changes on their own without further [conflicts](people-5_conflicts.md) about it.
The only way consequences work is because the child knows they are loved.

- Otherwise, without love, the child will see their consequences as a challenge to overcome or an obstacle in the way of what they want.
- Children only become successful adults in their 20s when they see their parents as *both* powerful and loving.
- Constantly affirm your love for them, especially when you wake up and go to bed.
- Note special things throughout the day that they're doing.
- Even when they're behaving terribly, you can still love them by expressing empathy for the consequences they're feeling.

Don't take things away from children, since they will grow resentful of you for it.

- However, you can allow them to use their possessions to raise money to solve problems that they've created.
- Thus, you can give them things when life is going well, with the understanding that they may use it later to redeem themselves from the issues they've created.

The consequences must be reasonable and must reflect reality as closely as possible while staying safe for the child.

The more consequences they learn early on, the more prepared they are for the rest of life.

Effective consequences have the following criteria:

1. They're LOGICAL relative to the child's mistake or behavior.
2. They're provided with LOVE via sincere empathy.
3. They're ENFORCEABLE without punishing the parent in the process.
4. They're preceded, given, and followed by VERY FEW WORDS, with no lectures or nagging, and often no advance warning of what the consequence will be.
5. When they're over, THEY'RE OVER, with no revisiting them or discussions about them.

Logical consequences are extremely difficult to enforce, for several reasons:

- Many consequences don't create adverse consequences for a very long time (e.g., not doing homework or yelling when angry).
- The [creative ability](mind-creativity.md) of each child is often far greater than a parent can control, so children quickly find workarounds to any rule.
- For many consequences, you often see the outcome immediately and think, "I really don't want to have to fix/clean/say..."
  - Most parents reject that thought, then try to do things that will make the *parents* feel more comfortable with their child's consequences.

The only way to find logical consequences for actions requires consulting other people to find all the possible ways the child will likely think ahead to subvert the rule.

- Often, this means saying, "I'll think about the consequence of this, and it's coming later".
- As long as you deliver a consequence later for their actions, children learn *more* from it than if you'd delivered it immediately.
  - You can survive your child being upset.
  - However, never wait more than 1 day for the consequences for children under the age of 5.
- Delivering it later gives you plenty of time to discuss with others.
- In a conventional home, a mother can often defer to a father later: "wait until your father comes home".

By lavishing a child with privileges and possessions, you have more things you can use as discipline, as well as more freedoms and fun for them if they behave well.

- Children are only spoiled from not receiving an adverse consequence for their behavior, *not* from the possessions or freedoms themselves.
- Even if you don't have a lot of [money](money-1_why.md), you can still [create](mind-creativity-how.md) things for them or perform tasks for them.

The consequence must be enforceable:

- You can't make a child brush their teeth, but can only give treats to children who do.
- You can't make them not roll their eyes at you, but you can choose to withhold things.
- You can't stop them from spending time playing video games or watching TV, but can choose whether you'll permit them in your home.
- You can't make them go to sleep, but can wake them up early, remove lightbulbs, or shut off electricity.
- You can't stop kids from arguing, but can charge them for the time they're fighting with each other.
- You can't make children eat, but can cut off snacks until they finish their normal meal.
- Ground them and restrict their toys, electronics, or privileges.
- You can't make them come in at night if they violate curfew, but you *can* lock them out overnight.
- Instead of confiscating their phone, you can take away their phone charger until they do chores.
- On long road trips, bring a large bag of candy you promise to give them at the end, then throw a piece out the window every time they misbehave.
- If children fight with each other, put them together in time-out in a large Get Along Shirt.
- Change the Wi-Fi password daily, then require them to do their chores if they want the password.

There are a few specific reasons that logical and enforceable consequences *won't* work:

- The parent is delivering it with the purpose of vengeance for the pain they've experienced, which makes the child vengeful in return.
- The parent is angry, frustrated, or delivers the message sarcastically, which provokes the child to wonder if the parent's mood can change the outcome.
- Children will always come to need at least the same number of warnings and reminders as the parents give, and will appear deaf once you're [habituated](habits.md) to doing it.
- The parents feel sorry for their child and relent from the consequence, which teaches the child that they're not smart enough to learn from their mistakes.

To make consequences work, they must be separate from the child.

- Regardless of what your son or daughter does, you'll still love them, so the consequences have nothing to do with whether you love them, and you *must* communicate that.
- Don't get emotionally attached to the consequences you're delivering.
- When they say "I hate you", they only hate the power you wield over them.

## As much as possible, always give them choices

Only give them choices that fit your value system.

You don't have control over their choices, only the consequences (and in that, only partly).

- The purpose of good parenting is to teach children to make good choices before they leave you.
- Parents must be prepared to safely express the world's natural consequences in their own home.
- You must always give the child control over their choice.

Good parenting is telling the child that they're free to make decisions, as long as they're reasonable.

Give 99% of your choices when things are going well.

- The more choices they have, the fewer problems children tend to create, since they feel empowered by their decisions.

Give choices before they become resistant.

- If you give a choice after a command, it'll look like you're relenting.

Give two options for your choice.

- As a parent, you should like both of those choices and be able to live with either of them.
- Difficult power struggles arise when parents provide a bad set of choices.
- More choices will overwhelm them.

Never disguise threats as choices.

- If you say "take out the trash, or you're grounded", then they are free to not take out the trash.

Don't be afraid to say, "I usually give choices, but not this time".

If they don't choose quickly, choose instead for them.

Never tell a stubborn child what to do, but instead what *you're* willing to do.

- Describe it as a detached reality (e.g., "I only give candy to people who behave nicely.")

They will remember the last thing you say more than anything else.

- If you nag or remind, that's all they'll remember.
- Instead, you must say "It's your decision", "I love you", or "You have control".

When your child finds an interest in something you don't want:

1. Refocus their passion toward something they like.
   - e.g., redirect an interest in drums to the guitar.
2. Focus on something meaningful *in* that thing they like.
   - e.g., improvised percussion from their interest in drums.
3. Give up what you want for them and find good qualities in their decisions.
   - e.g., accept that they will always like drums and how it can teach them rhythm.

When they misbehave in public:

- They're trying to get what they want and know that public behavior is different from private behavior.
- Deal with their behavior first, then apologize to bystanders.
- You can warn them that consequences will come, deal with the consequences later, or keep them home the next time you go.
- If you're bold, redirect the shame back to them by publicly advertising as a celebration of how awful they're behaving.

## Use the techniques that work best for you and your family

When possible, try to avoid declaring absolute statements with them.

- Use "I Feel" statements when applicable: "I feel _____ when you _____."
- Questions create thought, while statements create resistance.
  1. What did you do?
  2. Who did you harm?
  3. How can you fix it?
  4. What can you change to avoid it next time?

Redirecting is the easiest method to discipline a small child (if you can safely carry them):

1. Sing "Uh Oh" without yelling or threatening.
2. Use very, very few words to explain the consequence (e.g., "going to bed!")
3. Pull them away from the offending situation.

Concealing items is the best way to avoid future encounters.

- Until they're old enough to remember where objects are, you can frequently store things away on top of a fridge, in a cabinet, or in a back closet.
- If there are *many* things you don't want them to hold until later, keep them [organized](organization.md) in age-appropriate boxes.

Spanking a small child below age two is literally the only way to discipline them without redirection or concealing items.

- Children start breaking rules before you can reason with them, as early as 5 months.
- The conflict will often settle quickly with a swat, but it will easily become abuse if you're emotionally wound up about the incident.
- By the time a child is old enough to talk, spanking isn't very effective and will transition to beating (which is *certain* abuse) unless you replace it with better tactics.

Once they can talk, you can use the Distant Authority technique:

1. Use very few words to explain the consequence.
   - Do not attach emotions to it, and treat it as an unemotional matter.
   - e.g., "You hit your sister, so you're grounded."
2. If they protest, give them choices on how they can act, with their bad behavior choosing one of those decisions.
   - e.g., "You can go there stomping and angry, or walk there peacefully."
3. Remain by the door, but don't talk to them or interact through the door.
   - Throw a towel over the door to give resistance if you need it.
4. Let them come out only after they've been calm for 3-5 minutes.
   - Reset the timer and communicate that to them if they act up, open the door, or aren't willing to wait.
5. When they're ready to come out, don't lecture or remind them, since they 100% know what they did.
6. Hug them and tell them you love them, then go about your day as if it didn't happen.

Use Reverse Psychology for particularly stubborn children:

1. Calmly order them to do something they can safely do that demonstrates their frustration:

   - "Have a nice tantrum, I'll see you when you've calmed yourself."
   - "Go stomp your feet down the hall, and slam the door."
   - Applaud their behavior in public and draw attention to how awful they're behaving.

Use the "energy drain" technique if you want them to emotionally experience the consequences they're causing:

1. Prepare yourself to speak either calmly with emotional detachment or unease.
   - Postpone it if you need.
2. Tell them, "You've really drained my energy with that event, so how would you like to put it back?"
3. Let them come up with ideas, and give them ideas if they don't have any.
4. Accept whatever fair restoration you've agreed to, and avoid lecturing.
5. Behave as if it never happened after they've redeemed themselves.

You won't treat any two children the same because they're entirely different people:

- Push non-social children out of their comfort zone more and teach patience to children who hate being alone.
- Teach restraint to hyperactive children and tolerance to quiet ones.
- Give expressive children an outlet and teach subdued children to express more.
- Stand against intense children, but pay close attention to devious ones.
- Some children are especially difficult:
  - Understand their needs, but you must also teach them to understand *your* needs.
  - Sensitive children are constantly fearful, so consistently give empathy, reasoning, and over-communicate *any* changes with them.
  - Self-centered and defiant children must understand they share the world with other people, which usually requires your discipline.
  - Aggressive and energetic children need their efforts directed toward something useful.

To address [conflicts](people-5_conflicts.md) as soon as they arise, allow anyone in the household to call a family meeting at a pre-designated place at any time.

## Teach them to resolve their problems without your help

Very often, children have problems that they *can* fix but would rather have their parents fix.

- Children who are permitted to learn from small mistakes while they're young are guaranteed to perform much better later on in their lives when the stakes are higher.

Give them the freedom to solve problems that they can fix themselves with a very specific technique:

1. Provide a strong, sincere dose of empathy for their problem.
   - If they try to demand you do something, keep giving that empathy until they've calmed themselves.
2. Only step in with a problem that's too big or dangerous for them to solve on their own.
   - If they're simply telling you about their problem, ask permission from them first.
3. Lovingly hand the problem back to them.
   - "What do you think you should do?"
   - If they protest, share how much you believe in their ability to solve their issue.
4. Ask permission before sharing ideas.
5. Give a brief menu of ideas and help them evaluate each one.
   - Your ideas don't have to be brilliant; they can be simply mediocre.
   - If you don't have any ideas, and it's not urgent, ask to discuss it later.
   - Avoid "you should" or "you could", since it will make them resistant.
   - "Other kids have tried..."
   - "This is just my experience..."
   - "I've heard that this works..."
   - "You said you could..."
   - Start with a lousy suggestion.
   - A bad idea improves all other ideas by comparison.
   - Children are impulsively driven to oppose the first idea anyway, since you're not solving their problem for them.
   - After each option, ask how that would work for them.
   - Take your time, and give them time to process each option.
6. Let them learn from solving or not solving their problem.
   - Affirm that you believe in them, and that you want to hear how it turns out.
   - Don't tell them which solution you prefer, since that steals the learning experience from them, which means they'll never "own" the problem.
   - Since the child won't have closure, you'll often feel like a jerk.
7. Carry on and enjoy the rest of your time with them.
   - Don't drive the point home, mention it again, or allude to it.

## Handle household chores correctly

Instead of calling them "chores", consider them "contributions".

- Contributions are daily or weekly things they must do to continue coexisting with the family, since life always requires at least some work.
- By making them responsible to perform tasks in the household, they find meaning as part of a connected family.
- While this is controversial, studies have shown that children who don't do chores in the house are awful at [housekeeping](home-housekeeping.md) and tend to stay [single](relationships-why.md) throughout adulthood more often.

Start with contributions as soon as they can walk.

- Even if they're making a mess, let them do anything that's safe.
- Work together with them, and make it a team effort.
- When they're very young, ask for their help and do most of the work.

Focus most of your attention on their level of effort, *not* on their results.

- Avoid saying "be careful" or "watch out", since they're already trying as hard as they can.
- This is highly relative to the child's present situation and ability.
- However, don't accommodate laziness unless you prefer they stay lazy.

Semi-frequently, loving family members will go over to someone else doing the chores and say "Let me help", which shows that that person is loved and valued.

When giving responsibility for chores, *always* set a future deadline.

- If you mandate they do it now, you're giving them an ultimatum that they won't like.
- By delaying, you get time to consider a logical consequence if they don't do it.
- Never, *ever* remind them.
- It's easy to not remind them if you have a [creative](mind-creativity-how.md) solution if they need to learn a life lesson about not doing that chore.

However, they can certainly do *extra* chores to make life easier for everyone.

- Never pay them for contributions, since that's the bare minimum.
- Feel free to pay them commissions for extra work or an extremely great job at something, though.

## Be careful with technology

Children have an unusually high capacity to become [addicts](addiction-substances.md), so teach them how to detect when their behavior is excessive.

Most [consumer technology](computers.md) (e.g., smartphones, social media) is *designed* to be addictive.

All technology, however, is a privilege.

You can simply draw the line with them as "good children who do their chores and don't fight get to keep using technology".

If you don't teach them responsibility with technology gradually, they'll abuse it by the time they're teenagers.

Starting around middle school, your child's peers start becoming as influential on them as you are, and they're free to look at naked people on the phones their *friends'* parents didn't lock down.