# What every child needs

## Physical needs

Children need everything an adult needs, but in dramatically different proportions:

- Children are [growing](maturity.md) and have a limited [understanding](understanding.md) of reality.
- As they grow older, the scope of their needs slowly adapts until it's the same as any full-grown adult.

Children need more sleep than adults:

- 0-3 months need 14-17 hours throughout the day.
- 4-11 months need 12-15 hours throughout the day.
- 1-2-year-olds need 11-14 hours a night.
- 3-5-year-olds need 10-13 hours a night.
- 6-13-year-olds need 9-11 hours a night.
- 14-17-year-olds need 8-10 hours a night.

Children need proportionally more food:

- Help them grow fast by giving them plenty of protein.
- Their taste buds are more inclined toward sweet foods, so don't trust their judgment except with respect to fruits.
- If they start growing obese, replace their diet with [healthier alternatives](body-2_diet.md).
- If they're accustomed to junk food, teaching them to eat well will be a battle of [creativity](mind-creativity-how.md) and discipline.
  - Use dessert as an incentive for them to finish their meal.
  - Place treats on the table for them to see what they get if they finish their meal.
  - If you're spoon-feeding, and they refuse to eat, move chocolate toward their mouth before stuffing their mouth with what you want.

They will quickly cycle through clothes:

- They usually outgrow clothes before they wear them out.
- Try to [save money](money-4_spending.md) when you can, since they won't care about clothing fashions until early [adolescence](parenting-3_teenagers.md).
- When their shoes get too small, have them wear the shoes with 3 pairs of socks on, then blow a hairdryer on them for 10 minutes.

## Psychological needs

Children need extra validation of their feelings:

- Children behave better when they feel better, which means they believe their feelings have been acknowledged.
- Pay more attention to them than when you're speaking with adults.
  - Listen to them with complete focus.
  - Acknowledge often with nonverbal responses (e.g., Uh-huh, hmm, I see, mmm).
  - Give their feelings a clear name to help them make sense of them.
  - Since they'll need more things to analyze, avoid asking "why?"
- When we tell a child that their feelings aren't relevant, no matter how kind, they will often get more upset.
- Sometimes, they'll be too [afraid](mind-feelings-fear.md) to communicate what they're feeling.

Children have unique social needs:

- Children learn the most when they play with other children.
- They need a father to provide a sense of stability.
  - Studies have shown that even *deadbeat* fathers who are physically present are better for children than absentee fathers.
- They need a mother to give them emotionally validating nurture and care.
- They also need other, non-parent role models to imitate.
  - Media personalities (like kids shows) can somewhat bridge the gap, but they need one-on-one interaction with other people to feel a connection.
  - Children need *much* more physical affection than adults, especially girls.
- Though they often subvert them, children *crave* clear-cut, simple family rules.

It's [taboo](morality-taboo.md) to discuss in most cultures, but children often receive certain things that come with risks, but that they don't need:

- Happiness doesn't correlate with family income beyond meeting basic needs, so parents never need to make more [money](money-1_why.md) beyond a certain point.
- No matter how loudly they say they want something, most consumer goods can spoil them and stunt their [creativity](mind-creativity-how.md).
- Children don't necessarily need adult extended family (especially in a dysfunctional family), but *do* need context about those members' behaviors.

Generally, spend about half the [money](money-1_why.md) you want on them and twice as much time as you'd prefer.

## Lifestyle needs

Children require unplanned time to play and explore, as well as unsupervised time outside.

Give them structure and routine:

- Children need routine things to pace their day and organize their world.
- Wake them up at the same time, send them to bed at the same time, and always have dinner together.
- Turn off any media, like music or television, to dramatically improve conversations during dinner.
- However, since their ability to foster their [creativity](mind-creativity-how.md) requires plenty of time throughout the day to play and explore, avoid excessively structuring their day.

Every child must learn a few basic [habits](habits.md):

- Don't bite, kick, or hit (except in self-defense).
- Don't torture and bully other children (or you'll end up in jail).
- Eat in a civilized style that thanks the host (so that people are happy to have you over and feed you).
- Share with others (so other kids will play with you).
- Pay attention when adults speak (so they don't hate you and might [teach you something](understanding.md)).
- [Go to sleep](sleep.md) properly and peacefully (so your parents can have privacy and won't resent your existence).
- Take care of your possessions (you must learn how and are fortunate to have them).
- Be pleasant or entertaining when something [fun](fun.md) is happening (so you're invited to fun things).
- Behave in ways that make people happy when you're around (so people want you around).

Children need good mental habits:

- Use your actions and lessons to teach your philosophies about life.
  - Your job is to instill virtue in them by giving them motivation to do it.
  - Without that, children will submit to baser desires like selfishness and harsh behavior.
  - Teach stories that show others' perspectives and ask how they'd choose things.
- Give them an environment that provides incentives for them to choose values, character, and healthy life decisions.
  - Mindless rules can stifle creativity or understanding, so values are more important than rules.
  - While they can change behavior back-and-forth, character is more permanent.
  - Children have an easier time creating [habits](habits.md) than adults, but a *much* harder time breaking and changing them.
- Teach them [awareness](awareness.md) of their feelings, thoughts, intuition, and current needs.
  - Help them differentiate between themselves and others.
  - Provide context for those needs.
  - Teach them to think [critically](logic.md), objectively, and independently about their decisions.
  - Give them healthy, safe, satisfying ways to prioritize and fill needs.
- Encourage them to take personal responsibility for decisions, actions, and results.
  - Discourage denial, blaming, confusion, pretending something doesn't exist or misdirecting feelings.
  - They should feel healthy amounts of guilt when they hurt others.
  - If, for whatever reason, they don't understand something, you're failing to communicate it or show it correctly.
- Give them [virtue](morality.md).
  - Children have zero self-discipline, so your job is to give discipline through both their desire for good things and fear of bad things you have control over.
  - By far, the most difficult and rewarding virtue for children is patience.
  - Teach them gratitude by temporarily taking away things from them, *especially* if they abuse the privilege.

As they grow, give them chances to build toward their purposes:

- Your role is to give them a place to focus on their purposes and explore.
  - Children *do* pay attention when they have a clear motivation for it.
  - Whatever you want them to learn is a side effect of the experience.
  - Explain how the things they learn can help them do what they want.
  - Unless they [enjoy](fun.md) whatever they're learning, you're merely teaching them patience and discipline.
- Place them in environments that stimulate learning:
  - Have them play outside frequently.
  - Consistently take them to new places.
  - Limit their time with entertainment media (television, movies, video games).
    - Media can be so stimulating that children don't care to learn through other methods.
- Teach them to balance life between its unhealthy extremes:
  - Short-term versus long-term satisfaction
  - Pleasing others versus self
  - [Having the right attitude](success-2_attitude.md)
  - [Work](success-4_routine.md), [play](fun.md), and [rest](sleep.md)
  - Physical versus spiritual things
  - Appearance and feelings versus reality and substance
- Help them to accept and re-learn attitudes, beliefs, habits, and ideas that no longer fit their new understanding of reality.

Try to choose their [acquaintances](people-4_friends.md) carefully, since those small encounters will define how they see the world.

If you [educate](education.md) them correctly, they'll use school to build their skills:

- They must understand that school is a means to a better future.
- A child will learn the most in an educational environment where' they're having [fun](fun.md).
- Choose their school by deciding who you trust most to teach what they need to know:
  - If you trust yourself the most, [homeschool](education-homeschool.md).
  - If you trust the government, send them to public school.
  - If you trust a private organization, and [can afford it](money-3_budget.md), use a private school.
  - Just remember that *you* care the most about their future and are their final authority until they're teenagers.
- Irrespective of your decision, you can often supplement what you want them to know with extracurricular activities like computer camp, team sports, groups like Boy/Girl Scouts, or church events.
- To dramatically improve their public school educational experience, look for charter schools and vouchers.

Since you don't have much time, give them freedom and responsibilities as soon as they can have them:

- You only have until about the time they reach [puberty](parenting-teenagers.md).
  - The only way they [succeed](success-1_why.md) is by failing.
  - Once they become adults, *every* failure has dramatically worse consequences than if they had learned it as a small child or teenager.
  - However, make *absolutely certain* that you only give them opportunities to fail where they're still safe.
- Ages 2-3
  - Help make their bed
  - Pick up toys and books
  - Put laundry in a hamper or the laundry room
  - Dress themselves (with help)
  - Clean themselves with assistance
  - Set place mats on the table
  - Once children can hold a conversation, let them play outside without direct micro-management
- Ages 4-5
  - Make the bed
  - Empty wastebaskets
  - Bring in mail or newspaper
  - Help set and clear the table
  - Water indoor plants
  - Unload utensils from dishwasher
  - Feed and water pets
  - Match laundered socks
  - If they can focus enough to carry things without distractions, let them run errands within walking distance.
  - Start paying children commission for their chores as soon as they can understand the concept of money.
- Ages 6-7
  - Sort laundry
  - Fold and put away clothes
  - Sweep floors
  - Set and clear the table
  - Help make and pack lunch
  - Weed and rake leaves
  - Keep bedroom tidy
  - Give them the freedom to choose their curriculum and chores as soon as they can plan their day.
  - If you're concerned, give them a cell phone and near-unlimited access to the community around your home.
- Ages 8-9
  - Load the dishwasher
  - Put away groceries
  - Vacuum
  - Help make dinner
  - Make snacks
  - Make their own breakfast
  - [Cook simple foods](cooking.md)
  - Mop floors
  - [Walk the dog](fun-pets.md)
- Age 10+
  - Unload dishwasher
  - Clean the bathroom
  - Wash the windows
  - Wash the [car](autos.md)
  - Cook simple meals
  - Iron clothes
  - Do the laundry
  - Watch younger siblings (with someone older at home)
  - Clean the kitchen
  - Change the bedsheets
  - Let them practice driving skills on a private road.

If you ever have a second child, make a few things *very* clear to them from the moment you're visibly pregnant:

1. You still love them just as much.
2. They're [responsible](meaning.md), as part of the family, for their siblings.

## Keeping them safe

While you should be concerned about their safety, only worry about what you can do.

They must learn about painful objects and unstable surfaces through one of a few methods:

1. By heeding what you say and instruct.
2. Experiencing now, with a relatively rapid recovery from the injury.
   - Once they understand object permanence (around age 3), they will adequately learn pain permanently without having to re-experience it.
3. Listening later to someone they trust more than you.
4. Experiencing later, with an adolescent's or adult's slower injury recovery.

Pool noodles can protect most things:

- Cut them in half as a barrier for many surfaces, or in 3/4 for most corners.
- Put a pool noodle under a fitted sheet to keep them from falling out of bed.

Learn [basic first aid](body-firstaid.md) to avoid most hospital visits:

- Freeze ketchup packets as small ice packs.
- Always keep antibiotic ointment and band-aids, just in case.
- While it's good to show empathy, they will often shake off small bumps and scrapes if you encourage them to get back up and keep playing.

Try to protect their minds:

- Install a keylogger or content blocker on their phone.
- Look up the movie and its plot summary beforehand if you're worried about sex scenes, violence, or [perverse values](values.md).
  - More importantly, explain *why* you don't want them to watch it.

Watch carefully for their health:

- Children don't tend to articulate how they're injured, *especially* before they're 5 years old.
- Pay close attention to anything out of the ordinary, such as them being particularly non-talkative.
- Often, they simply need [sleep](sleep.md), even when they fight you about it.
- If you must give them medication, try to mix it in with sugar (which is why most children's medication is practically candy).
- To administer eye drops, have them look upwards, then apply the drops just above their lower eyelid.
- For them to get shots, have them shake out the anxiety on an arm they're *not* using.

If you can't find your children in your home, look in the most deadly places where time is most critical (e.g., pools, freezers, washing machines, dryers).

If everyone in a group is watching the kids, then nobody is actually watching the kids.

- If a child is drowning in a pool, they will be silent and submerged under the water.

### Watch for sexual predators

Educate them on "safe" versus "unsafe" touching.

- "Unsafe" touches are anything that covers the swimsuit, and only parents and doctors can touch that area.
- Make sure they understand that they're 100% safe to let you know about unsafe touching, even if it's adults who do it.
- They should also know that they're always safe to voice their discomfort with any touching of that sort.

Any time you go somewhere with them, have photos of them to show others if they get lost.

Don't post public pictures of your children on the internet, which could help predators:

- Don't post locations in photos.
- Don't post pictures of their hobbies or interests.
- Don't show any images that indicate legal information, like name or birthday.
- Don't post photos next to a car, especially showing a license plate.
- Don't show them half-dressed, even if you find it cute.
- Don't show something that may embarrass them someday.
- Don't post photos of them with their friends, since it can put the whole group at risk.
Don't ignore any suspicions you have about abuse.

- While the chance of sexual abuse is small, a few moments with the wrong person could permanently traumatize your child.
- Some of the most clear warning signs will be that they'll make sexual drawings, discuss sexual things, or recreate sexual activities with friends.
- Pay close attention to their stories and trust any instincts you feel about them.
- An abused child will often fear that others won't believe them or that you'll blame them for the incident.

Contrary to public opinion, most sexual predators are familiar people in a child's life.

- They're frequently very nice people but prey on children.
- Watch for anyone over-volunteering in the family unit, buying excessively nice things, or being overly religious.
- Children are often groomed for sexual predation.
- The favorite people in a child's life are the custodian and lunch lady, since they don't have any responsibilities with them.

Carefully and directly approach your child if you suspect abuse.

1. Listen to what they have to say.
   - Don't ask leading questions or prejudge what they're going to say.
2. Stay calm.
   - Hearing what they're telling you is difficult, but they have a harder time saying it.
   - As much as possible, you must be stronger in the situation than they will be.
3. Assure the child that it wasn't their fault.
4. Since they're too young to lie about sexual abuse, believe them and confirm whatever feelings they have.
5. Let them know you're glad they told you.
6. Assure the child that your relationship with him or her doesn't change.
7. Be honest with the child and inform them of what you intend to do.
   - Let them know you'll try to find help for them from people who know how to handle the situation better.
   - If you tell someone else later without informing them, they *will* feel betrayed.

Watch closely for seemingly innocuous social media sites (e.g., Roblox) that appear harmless but quietly endorse or encourage sexual misconduct.

Make sure they understand in [an emergency](hardship-disaster.md) to seek out an adult, since the likelihood that an adult they find is a pedophile almost nonexistent, but the likelihood an adult finds *them* is much higher.