# How to deal with bad friends

## Warning signs of bad friendships

Friendships are a story that starts from how you met:

- The future of your present friendships connects to your past relationship with those people.
- If you formed a friendship through a social group or workplace, leaving that group usually ends that friendship.

You can usually get a decent first impression by observing a few specific contexts:

- Often, you won't know who your friends really are until you see them in various social contexts.
- It takes months, and sometimes years, to experience many environments and build trust and intimacy with someone.
- Your ability to judge impressions can save lots of time.

To see friendships transition, observe how those people behave:

1. How they treat small children or animals.
2. How they handle practical inconveniences like a slow internet connection or [car trouble](autos.md).
3. How they behave in a group of strangers.
4. How they manage [conflicts](people-5_conflicts.md) with others.
5. The way they explain a technical matter to someone with a non-technical background.
6. Who their five closest friends are.
7. How they handle hardships and unpleasant surprises.

A. Capture your impression from meeting them in public:

- How comfortable they make their acquaintance with others
- How kind or friendly they appear to be, especially toward strangers
- Their overall disposition at first glance

B. After you've found a baseline with them, observe their authentic behavior:

- How much they gossip about others versus directly approaching them
- How much they stand against an injustice
- The amount of time they talk about themselves
- How petty or judgmental they are
- Their ability to keep a secret
- Their ability to tell the truth versus exaggerating or lying
- Whether they return borrowed items or pay others back quickly

C. Pay close attention to discover their motivations and values:

- Their [philosophical ideas](philosophy.md) about absolutely everything.
- Their willingness to let strangers suffer or die for personal gain
- Their capacity to be mean, selfish, or cruel
- What they want in life and what they would sacrifice to get it

Carefully consider who you want in your life:

- If you don't feel good about yourself after interacting with that friend, don't keep them close.
- Many pleasant surface-level people have evil motives and are still fine as casual friends even when you can't trust them.
- If you care about your reputation, limit your time with people who have a heart of gold with an unpleasant image.
- If you ever find a high-quality person on all levels, that person is *always* worth knowing!

## Dysfunctional friendships

A good friendship has two strong people:

- If one person is much weaker than the other, the stronger one unintentionally overpowers them.
- If *both* people are generally weak, it becomes two people empowering each other toward less-than-valuable [goals](success-3_goals.md).

Other potential friends judge your character and identity by the company you keep:

- The younger someone is, the more heavily they're influenced by their friends.
- Meeting dysfunctional people is always worth the experience, but staying friends with them will destroy your reputation and [happiness](mind-feelings-happiness.md).
- Therefore, avoid or break ties with dysfunctional friendships immediately.

Some people will lead you on:

- They'll make promises and give attention, but never seem to follow through when you need them.
- Their efforts are to gain power and control, not genuine interest.

Avoid unhappy people:

- Unhappy people will drain and discourage you over time.
- Try to cheer them up and motivate them, but don't stay with them if they persist in their misery.
- The most deceptive of these are either perpetually angry or perpetually offended.

Don't associate with friends who don't change:

- Many people prefer to stay unchanging, even when they hurt others in the process.
- If your friend hurts you, then apologizes, then doesn't change, plan for when you will stop your friendship with them.
- Some people prefer to stay victims their entire lives.

Don't trust friends who talk poorly about others:

- If they share negative things about others, they'll do the same about you elsewhere.
- Most of the time, they do it [habitually](habits.md), so they're not worth trusting.

Never make friends with people who don't like you:

- You're worth more than any single person's opinion of you.
- Nobody is worth your efforts to "win" their affections, and good friends don't have those expectations.
- Avoid people who maintain a facade to watch you fail (also known as "frenemies")

Avoid anyone with questionable morals:

- These people may be foolish or extremely insensitive to others.
- They might be violent or constantly angry.
- They might abuse a substance like alcohol, drugs, a certain type of media, or food.
- They might lie, steal, or cheat.
- If someone borrows money, and you never see them again, it was worth the expense.
- Avoid them at all costs!

Don't expect much from former friends who hadn't met your expectations before:

- Very often, your expectations are higher now because you've grown.
- That friend may not be the same person, but many people stay the same across decades.
- If that person *has* changed, you're engaging with an entirely different person, so treat it as an entirely new friendship.

Watch for friends who always try to "fix" you:

- Instead of listening to you, they'll tell you to calm down or relax when you're upset.
- They'll usually make a quick judgment and advise before hearing the entire story.
- Sometimes, they'll try to do things that don't solve your problem or disrespect your feelings.

Watch for unusually trusting people:

- Some people make each of their friends almost immediately into an intimate relationship.
- This person fears solitude and desires acceptance.
- While they're trying to please everyone, they fail at [setting healthy boundaries](people-3_respect.md).
- They're often clingy or will overly identify with something.
- They'll frequently become very possessive and jealous of their healthier friends.
- Since they must understand that not all friends are perfect companions, give distance with kindness and communicate distinctions between your beliefs and theirs.

Watch for distrusting people:

- Even with many good friends, people with trust issues have no close friends.
- They're typically afraid of connection or authenticity until those people meet an impossible standard.
- While they tend to care about others, they'll often give more than they should, but won't receive to the same level.
- Sometimes, if someone doesn't trust anyone, they may be trying to hide something as well.

Avoid inauthentic people:

- Some people are terrified of an intimate, genuine interaction.
- The relationship is usually tense because that person is using pre-recorded social skits, and a slight disagreement will sever ties.
- Many times, it will show through downgraded communication channels (emailing as a response to talking, texting as a response to a phone call, etc.)
- If you try breaking the barrier with bold and genuine dialogue, they will either respond back authentically or hate you for it.
- Do this as soon as possible because persisting with them for long is unhealthy.

Avoid people who generate anxiety and promise a solution:

- These people include [politicians](groups-large.md) and [marketers](marketing.md), but can be anyone who seems authentic but gives you a strange feeling of unease.
- Very often, these people are morally bankrupt, so avoid them at all costs unless you're simply [exploiting them](power.md) yourself.

Avoid lopsided friendships:

- A lopsided friendship is when you and your friend regard each other unevenly.
- They may desire to spend far more (or less) time with you.
- Listen to your instincts and analyze where they're coming from.
  - When people laugh, they instinctively turn to the person they are most comfortable with.
  - People point their feet to what they're focusing on.
- Watch for some clear indicators:
  - One person will spend much more time listening than the other.
  - They have their mobile device on them all the time, but still take hours to text you back.
  - They always seem to have a full schedule or consistently cancel at the last minute.
  - Your goals and theirs don't seem to line up anymore.
  - They seem busy with everything but you.

Some people will rapidly shift subjects to not talk about your life:

- If they're obsessed with themselves, disengage immediately.
- When they have intimacy issues, keep them as a friend but avoid making them a close friend.
- If they're suspecting *you're* self-absorbed, then [learn to be more tactful](people-3).

## Cut off bad friends

Learn how to avoid unhealthy people:

- Try to behave as boring and dull as possible with someone you would rather not be around.
- Express that you're frequently busy, and [find something you *can* be busy with](success-4_routine.md).
- You never need to say "this friendship is over", since life's events will often make that obvious.

At times, you can simply lose your friendship with them by not putting up with their unhealthy behaviors:

- Every time they complain, positively disagree with them about how things aren't that bad.
- Each time they use an excuse to not do something good, go ahead and do it yourself.

Don't worry too much about how to get rid of friends:

- If you keep succeeding, you'll alienate your lousy friends quickly.
- Anytime you [change jobs](jobs-1_why.md), [move](home-moving.md), or [succeed](success-1_why.md), you're putting distance between your weakest friendships.