# How to hunt for friends

Often, if you can't find a friend, you're simply not going to places you'd find someone with one of your shared interests:

- Most people who [advance their career](jobs-1_why.md) and [start having children](parenting-babies.md) simply don't have *time* to find friends compared to when they were schoolchildren or in college.
- While most people don't change their situation, anyone can change their situation within 6 months:
  - Sit outside your home and make small talk with every single person who comes by.
  - Throw a block party and invite *all* your neighbors.
  - Volunteer at something you like (e.g., a club or [hobby](fun.md) group).
  - Get involved in a [fitness](body-3_exercise.md), [sports](fun-sports.md), or martial arts community.
  - Get involved in [a church](religion.md).

Most people passively seek friends and wait for others to make the first move:

- Actively search for friends you can break the ice with.
- If you want to talk to someone, take the risk and *do it*!
- The worst thing they can do is reject you, which isn't as scary as you're imagining because most people are polite about it.
- If you like them, ask for their number or connect on social media.
- If you want to be creative, take their photo and ask to send it to them, then ask for their number.

Do new, uncomfortable things to find new places to meet people:

- Making friends is trial-and-error experimentation, so more results come from more tests.
- Instead of making a few deep connections, make *many* small and light connections to find people worth building relationships with.

Become a better participant on social media:

- When you write, you *must* benefit the reader:
  - Is it interesting or informative?
  - Is it amusing, entertaining, or funny?
  - Will it add value to anyone's life?
- Try to find social media that is [positive and inspiring](mind-feelings-happiness.md) with many other people on it.
- Spend more time messaging people personally and less time on message boards.
- Routinely remove friends from social media who aren't part of your life anymore.

While social media feels like socializing, it doesn't fully replace in-person connection.

Find ways to start conversations:

- Talk with [your coworkers](jobs-1_why.md) more.
- Bring gum to offer or a lighter/cigarettes for smokers.
- Start conversations by wearing a funny T-shirt.
- If you live in a dorm or apartment, keep your door open.
- Pull out your headphones or earbuds and put away your mobile device.
- When it rains, bring a large umbrella that you can invite others to walk with you under.
- Instead of driving or biking, use mass transit or a ride-share and chat with strangers.
- Instead of asking what their favorite book/movie/band is, ask what book/movie/band they're currently enjoying the most.
- Visit the same businesses consistently to acquaint yourself with the owners and employees.
- Talk to people you don't know at parties and social events.
- Bring a power strip to a coffee shop, cafeteria, or airport.

Explore places you can find others with a common interest:

- Dine out and have coffee with others.
- Go to public events like concerts and clubs.
- Unless you've been to it before, never decline an invitation to an event.
- Connect with a church or volunteer organization.
- Explore hobbies with others through [Meetup](http://www.meetup.com/) or [Craigslist](https://craigslist.org/).
- Connect with your friends' friends.
- Connect with social media friends in person.
- Get involved in social events like city fundraisers, festivals, shows, and concerts.
- Invite someone to try something unfamiliar to both of you.
- Choose exciting and fun places to go with friends for them to associate you with having fun.

Learn how to behave at social events:

- Try to find cultures where their normal behavior is how you want to behave.
- Take an interest in the event and its culture.
- Before the event, learn at least some trivia about the event and its related topics.
- Contribute meaningful ideas to the group conversation or find someone you share opinions with.
- Stay open to trying something potentially embarrassing, but resist peer pressure about something unless you want to do it.
- If everyone else is doing it, either do it as well or leave the group.
- If you have trouble engaging with another person in a group, try to dig into possible interests you share with that person.
- While eating with friends, make everyone place their phone face down, then whoever checks it first pays the bill.

Learn to be likable at your workplace:

- Temper your topics to only business.
- Get to know your coworkers' personal lives if they're comfortable sharing.
- In many workplace cultures, nobody implies *anything* personally
- Go above and beyond what others expect.
- [While tact is important](people-3_respect.md), professionalism *requires* it!

Get involved in group events:

- Join a band, sports team, or Dungeons & Dragons session.
- If you can, try [throwing parties](fun-parties.md) or [playing games together with others](fun.md).
- By doing something together, you create a shared [purpose](purpose.md) that brings you closer to others.

Be cautious with friends who are family:

- The closest people you know will be family, but they often won't respect your lifestyle changes.
- Breaking ties with family can cost you dearly, so treat them all as important.
- Your family is a miniature community through culture and genetics, so *every* relationship creates dramatic consequences for everyone else.
- Watch for members that circulate negative remarks and slander with the rest of the family.
- Some members will overstep boundaries and try to bring family members together.
- Many times, members will choose to dissociate without any explanation.
- Only cut family ties if you have the skills to build friends elsewhere!