# How to make friends

You only know 2% of a person from the outside, and the rest is waiting to be found:

- If you dig deep enough, each person is deeply interesting and unique.
- Everyone is an expert on *something*, and it's your job to discover it.

Friendships are a necessary part of living well:

- They ground us in reality.
- By being vulnerable, we [understand ourselves](awareness.md) more.
- We need friends to be [happy](mind-feelings-happiness.md).
- Different lifestyles from our friends help challenge our views of the world.
- They give us resources and connections to others to help us [succeed](success-1_why.md).
- They encourage us [when we lose faith in ourselves](success-5_persevering.md).
- By sharing experiences and time with each other, both friends benefit at the same time.
- Anything you can do with [money](money-1_why.md), you can do better with friends.

If you make friends well, you can even turn *enemies* into your friends.

## Friendships build on shared interest

We find friends over shared contexts we have in common with others:

- Our shared experiences aren't as relevant as sharing *contexts* with them:
  - Similar experiences (like military or school)
  - Same taste in media (like music, movies, books, or games)
  - Similar preferences (like with food or work)
  - Same hobbies or pastimes
  - Similar [philosophical](philosophy.md), [religious](religion.md) or [group affiliation](groups-large.md)
  - Shared hatred of a common enemy or threat
  - Opportunity for [mutual business](entrepreneur-1_why.md) or shared benefit
- Thankfully, we can still relate over shared feelings, even if we have nothing else in common.

Good friendships are fun:

- Your time with friends should be comfortable, dynamic, entertaining, and stimulating.
- You should look forward to spending time with that person.
- Both people ought to feel optimism, trust, acceptance, importance, and support from each other.
- Both friends should act out of [love](people-love.md) for each other.
- Friends share an equal [power](power.md) dynamic.

Friendships have several levels of depth:

1. Close Friends:
   - They are the most important people in your life.
   - Close friends come with high risks and yield tremendous rewards.
   - Because of how much we must invest into them, we can only have 2-3 of them at a time.
2. Good Friends:
   - While they're essential, they're not part of our daily lives.
   - They may help you move or attend your wedding, but they have separate lives from you.
   - While they give little risk or reward and are safe to spend time with, you can't fully rely on them for most of your needs.
3. Peers:
   - Peers usually share a portion of your lifestyle or are friends on a social network.
   - Even if you talk about intensifying the friendship, you probably only keep a public routine with them.
   - For many people, peers are their only friends.
4. Acquaintances:
   - Peers and acquaintances often blur together.
   - You know acquaintances by name only, but might see them routinely.

- The healthy ideal is 2-3 close friends, about a dozen good friends, and many peers and acquaintances.

Interests and circumstances change, so friendships typically run through a cycle:

- Generally, logistics and life stages mean friendships can't last forever.
- [Mark L. Knapp created a model](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Knapp%27s_relational_development_model) to track relationships:

1. Coming Together:
   1. Initiating - opening a dialogue
   2. Experimenting - testing the kind of friend that person could be
   3. Intensifying - finding a role for that person
   4. Integrating - adapting lifestyles to fit that person
2. Relational Maintenance:
   1. Bonding - spending quality time together
   2. Differentiating - identifying with differences instead of similarities
   3. Circumscribing - finding unrelated things to do
3. Coming Apart:
   1. Stagnating - distance from little to no continued contact
   2. Avoiding - cutting off contact, which may include lifestyle changes
   3. Ending - officially closing the friendship with a tense conversation

Because we change as people, we need frequent involvement in various events and activities to cycle new friends in as old ones phase out.

## Not everyone can be your friend

Friendships need more than a shared background:

- Both people need spare time to share.
- The power dynamics will adapt to each person's maturity.
- Outside opinions of the friendship often affect whether it's viable.
- We all have quirks that may irritate people in specific and unforeseen ways.

Many people have reasons to distrust:

- Some people had previous friends who manipulated, exploited, or deceived.
- People can attribute certain traits with untrustworthiness.
- Some people have prejudices about uncontrollable factors like race or ethnicity.
- Most people create a bias from first impressions.
- Even nonjudgmental people who accept you may have to maintain other friendships at the same time.

Occasionally, our [personalities](personality.md) simply don't mesh well.

## Making friends requires experience making friends

Very often, most new friends are friends of current friends:

- If you have enough friends, secondary associates are the best way to make new friends.
- Because we like to associate with people who are like us, having lousy friends will mean your easiest secondary connections will likely be lousy friends.

If you feel you need friends, you have unfulfilled needs:

- Clinging too much to a few friends or a new friend is normal, but drives most mentally well people away.
- It's much easier to make a second friend after making the first one.
- To avoid overdependence on any one friend, make multiple new friends at once.
- A great [romantic relationship](relationships-why.md) requires *much* more investment and time than a great friendship, so never expect any new friend to become one.

When you have very few friends, it's much harder to make new ones:

1. Like [any other skill](success-2_attitude.md), social skills are frustrating at first.
2. Both preventing and managing awkward situations requires experience, which comes from experience.
3. Without the support network to handle social failures, antisocial people don't easily learn from experience.
4. Successfully finding friends requires sifting through dozens of people until you find a good fit, which requires a shallow connection with many people.
5. Also, people from dysfunctional homes often have additional trouble from lies about making friends:
   - We'll often repeat the mistakes of our family of origin and reinforce those lies.
   - Many dysfunctional people stay with their family instead of persevering for better friends.

Knowing how much to engage is an art form:

- As we mature, we learn to avoid continual engagement with one friend and broaden our lives a bit.
- Observe the portions of their lifestyle they're sacrificing for your friendship.

## Good friends aren't easy to find

Every healthy friendship has the same universals:

- Both friends benefit from hearing *both* good and bad news from each other.
- After spending time together, they both feel energized and encouraged.
- They trust and respect each other's talents and abilities.
- They take personal responsibility for their words and actions with each other.
- They both consider their differences in opinion and thought as healthy forms of expression.
- Communication is open and honest.
- Both interpret the friendship as an opportunity for personal goals alongside the other's interests.

Good friends generally give more than they take:

- Selflessly giving makes more friends than generating pity.
- Constantly find ways to affirm to others that they're important.
- Observe how others behave toward you when you're sick or in need, since that's how they wish others to treat them.

Good friends share values:

- We all wish for others to like us, but good friends share strong values with each other.
- Without values, two people are following each other, which creates a strange, unhealthy codependency of two followers.

To avoid feeling (and looking) desperate, learn to enjoy life alone:

- If you can find benefits in solitude, people won't feel like you're overly attached.
- You can enjoy your favorite media anytime you want.
- You can take your time with chores and stay undressed in your house.
- Your free time and vacations are filled with anything you want.
- Without peer pressure, you [save money when shopping](money-saving.md).
- Without others distracting you, you can [focus on work more easily](success-4).
- If you want to change habits, you don't risk others' poor habits interfering.

If you have no friends around, set low expectations:

- The circumstances of the situation often make connecting difficult, even when both people want to!
- Sometimes, someone is too busy for an additional friendship.
- Other times, the venue doesn't allow much room to connect.
- Often, people have trouble with an impassable language or culture barrier.

## Learn to be a good friend

The art of making friends is to become likeable and make others important:

- How you're known is *far* more important than who or what you know (i.e., you're creating [meaningful connections](meaning.md)).
- Most people hate making friends because they must change themselves to become better *as* a friend.
- Learn to be more [tactful](people-3_respect.md) and a better listener.
- You'll attract people similar to you, so treat everything you want in others as standards for yourself.
- How much you like *yourself* is the limit to how much anyone can like you.

Learn to be happy:

- [Happiness](mind-feelings-happiness.md) is critical to withstand the inevitable [conflicts](people-5_conflicts.md) from human connection.
- People naturally associate with enthusiastic, optimistic people and shy away from unhappy, cynical ones.
- The only people who enjoy time with miserable people are other miserable people.
- Learn how to safely and openly express your unhappiness with your friends.

Learn tempered authenticity:

- Express openness, then ask open questions about their life.
- Tempered authenticity is mixing your sincerely honest views with [respect for the listener](people-3_respect.md).
- Most people either want to please others and won't speak openly, or they don't pay attention to others' feelings.
- Sometimes, your contempt for something is far more valuable than your pity or approval.
- True friendship requires your personally shared experience, not just swapping anecdotes.

Communicate how much you value them:

- Celebrate differences you have with them.
- Pay attention to them, especially when they're speaking.
- Express appropriate affection and sympathy for what they're communicating.
- More frequently than not, sincerely express how much they mean to you in the way you most express it (speaking, making things, hugging, etc.).
- If they have the time, treat them to a meal.
- Give generously to the people around you, and don't ever treat it as a loan.
- When offering something that's valuable, imply they don't need to take it, or they'll interpret it as requiring a [contractual response](people-contracts.md) (e.g., "I'm going on vacation to the Bahamas and have an extra ticket, wanna come?").
- If you borrow something, give it back in better condition.

Great friends know how and when to express love:

Each person has a preferred mix of certain expressions of love.

1. Kind words - compliments or verbal care:
   - Give genuine affirmations without criticism.
   - Send likes or comments on social media.
2. Quality time: focused, uninterrupted time together
   - Avoid any distractions from media or mobile devices.
   - Learn to listen more than talk.
3. Gifts - meaningful physical expressions:
   - These gifts don't have to have a minimum cost, but must have relational meaning (e.g., merchandise from their favorite brand).
   - To avoid awkward feelings, the depth of the friendship should determine how much to pay.
   - If you can't find the right one, give three smaller gifts that are serious, humorous, and homemade.
4. Acts of service - actions that make life less stressful or more enjoyable:
   - Acts of service can be anything, including chores, planning, professional services, or unpleasant tasks.
   - Since people must sacrifice control for you to help, respect when others say "no".
5. Physical affection - showing connection through touch:
   - Touch can include grazing contact, holding hands, hugging, and anything physically intimate.
   - Affection varies wildly by [culture](people-3_respect.md), so observe that person's context and background.
   - Be careful in a work environment and in public because people often misconstrue affection in those contexts as sexual harassment.

Remember details about them:

- Consider what's important to that person more than yourself.
- Each person's first name is the most memorable word they know, so remember *everyone's* name!
- Keep track of a person's birthdays, major life events, status, family associations, professional accomplishments, and background.
- Set recurring events in your calendar to congratulate them.
- If you need ideas for a present for them, say you're giving them a present and give them three guesses to figure out what it is.

Broaden communication with them when possible:

- If a new person joins a group, call out the other people by name to give them a chance to memorize them.
- Text more than social media, and call more than text.

Finally, always [look for new friends](people-4_friends-hunt.md) wherever you go.

- Even if you're only making acquaintances, they'll often grow as [people change](people-changes.md) and [some friendships turn sour](people-4_friends-bad.md).

## Work to keep good friends

12 great friends are worth more than hundreds of fair-weather friends:

- Ideally, you want 3 dependable friends at any time.

Do what you can to preserve the friendship:

- Perform small acts of kindness whenever you see them.
- Give them small gifts that remind you of them.
- If you work with them, notify their supervisor about how well they've done if they're okay with it.

Keep assessing whether that friend is worth your time:

- That friendship represents an event or stage of your life, in both good and bad ways.
- You can't have the virtues of your friend without their vices as well.
- Look at your five closest friends to see where you'll be in five years.
- You should still both cherish the time you spend together and both admire each other.
- If you're feeling rejection at all, accept it and move on to new friends.
- Good friends won't endure bad behavior on your end, so *they* might be making a good decision by dropping you.

Keep a diverse group of friends to maintain a healthy view of the world:

- You should be able to share your strangest and [most controversial ideas](trends.md) with them.
- Have a friend who is highly [analytical](logic.md) and one who has lots of [fun](fun.md).
- Stay [legally safe](legal-safety.md) by making friends with a police officer or law student.
- Stay in touch with friends who have [computer skills](computers.md), mechanical skills, or grew up in a bad neighborhood.
- Always have friends who are older than you and friends that are younger.

Don't let *anything* get in the way of a great friendship:

- The love of two friends shifts from "you" or "me" to "us".
- Share how much they mean to you before you lose touch with them.
- Prioritize your friend's needs above your own, and be supportive and helpful whenever they need it.
- If a friend hurt you, [forgive them and move on if they've changed](mind-feelings-happiness-stress.md).
- When you borrow anything from them, promptly give it back.
- If you wish to [date](relationships-dating.md) someone your friend has dated, ask permission first.
- If they live with you, openly communicate household responsibilities and [keep the common areas clean](home-housekeeping.md) without them asking.
- Find new experiences and routines you can share with them.

Even when they move or change lifestyles, stay in touch with them:

- Keep track of all your contacts with a management system.
- Maintain four lists on your calendar:
  1. Best friends (3 weeks)
  2. Close friends (2 months)
  3. General friends (6 months)
  4. Stay in touch (1 year)
  - With the four lists, you can keep in touch with *hundreds* of people at once.

## Social skills are ongoing

Friendships are always worth the experience, even though they all eventually end.

We must constantly learn how to improve our [writing](language-writing.md) and [speaking](language-speaking.md) skills if we want to make friends who match our maturity.