# Bad conflict management styles and how to deal with them We must be careful to avoid unhealthy conflict approaches in our daily lives. - Our coexistence around toxic people almost guarantees they'll [influence](power-influence.md) us to behave similarly. Some people are completely impossible to please, and should always be a low priority compared to everyone and everything else. ## Ego defense tactics Most toxic behaviors come through our need to satisfy our sense of ego and [safety](safety.md): - Disrespecting others intentionally - Bad [boundaries](people-boundaries.md) - [Distrusting](mind-trust.md) others without reason - Having no compassion for others When people aren't [examining themselves](mind-awareness.md), they will exercise [narcissistic behavior](mind-neurodivergence-clusterb-narcissist.md) by subconsciously using unhealthy defense mechanisms to protect their ego. - Every single person does this in one form or another. - Since you have no control over their behavior, your only responsibility and resistance with those tactics is through [self-awareness](mind-awareness.md) and self-discipline of *your* impulses. - Then, only once you've conquered the domain of self-awareness, you can make healthy boundaries with others. ## Immature defenses These are primarily unconscious and distort reality. - They are used because they provide quick relief to the problem. - However, they create many problems long-term. ### Physiological/neurological consequences These behaviors are often completely uncontrollable. - The person typically only sees themselves as the victim in the situation. Somatization: physically experiencing bodily suffering about a mental issue. - Justifies the feelings as "real" through a physical demonstration of them. - e.g., having a terrible headache during an important exam. - e.g., having malaise and joint pain every time there is an argument at the workplace. Repression/Blocking: unconsciously blocking painful memories and feelings. - Not remembering information means we don't have to deal with it. - e.g., woman has no member of childhood sexual abuse. - e.g., veteran forgets traumatic combat experiences, but has nightmares. Regression: reverting to childlike behaviors under stress. - We're revisiting what presumably worked at one point. - e.g., toilet-trained 6-year-old starts wetting the bed after a new sibling's birth. - e.g., adult curls into fetal position during a panic attack. Identification/Introjection: unconsciously behaving like someone else to reduce anxiety. - If we conform, we feel we may [succeed](success-1_why.md) in spite of our issues. - This is the basis for the "fake it 'til you make it" mindset. - e.g., abused child starts imitating their abuser's aggressive behavior. - e.g., medical student copies their mentor's behaviors to feel more confident. ### Complete redirection These defenses are broad efforts by the mind to maintain some sense of self-preservation. - They are [driven by anxiety](mind-bias-fear.md), so there is very little rational thought involved. Acting out: expressing unconscious emotions with impulsive actions instead of words. - This allows someone to cover up reality with their behavior. - e.g., a child throwing a tantrum when they're told "no" instead of verbalizing frustration. - e.g., an adult recklessly spends after a [breakup](relationships-dating.md) to avoid sadness. Displacement: redirecting emotions from a threatening target to a safer one. - It shifts the emotions or driving force to another person. - e.g., someone yelled at by their boss goes home and lashes out at their dog. - e.g., a child bullied at school teases their younger sibling. Dissociation: mentally detaching from reality to escape stress. - It allows separation from the experience, a bit like an out-of-body experience. - e.g., [trauma](hardship-ptsd.md) survivor blanks out when reminded of the event. - e.g., student daydreams during an exam due to overwhelming anxiety. Idealization: overestimating positive qualities while ignoring flaws. - This permits things to stay the same as they've been, even if it's unhealthy. - e.g., patient insists their therapist is "perfect" and can't do anything wrong. - e.g., woman believes her abusive partner will "change any day now". Passive Aggression: indirectly expressing hostility through procrastination or "accidents". - This is the hostility present in the person, unconsciously acted out through a sense of delayed justice. - It can materialize into a value system that emotions are a reservoir that need to be "let out" (e.g., "I need to vent"), further perpetuating other issues. - e.g., employee resentful of overtime "forgets" to send important emails. - e.g., teenager annoyed by curfew "accidentally" breaks dishes loudly at night. Reaction Formation/Undoing: behaving opposite to one's feelings. - Reaction Formation is the impulse, while the action itself is the Undoing. - This allows someone to [morally](morality.md) balance their decisions by hiding the feelings behind actions that work against it. - e.g., man with repressed same-sex attraction loudly condemns homosexuality. - e.g., resentful stepmother excessively spoils her stepchild. Fixation: staying in an earlier developmental stage from an unresolved conflict. - This comes from a further fear of the risks that come from [changing](people-changes.md). - e.g., 30-year-old sleeping with a childhood stuffed animal. - e.g., adult throws tantrums like a toddler when frustrated. ### Partial redirection These attempts are trying to approach the truth, but without the emotional capacity to do so. - The actions are also [driven by anxiety](mind-bias-fear.md), but are more complex because the person is unaware of their anxieties while they are also trying to navigate thoughts. - Partial redirection is highly common among intelligent people. Isolation of Affect: separating [feelings](mind-feelings.md) from [thoughts](understanding.md) and [memories](mind-memory.md). - This permits us to accept reality, but not have to experience an emotional response about it. - This can become the beginnings of the Stoic philosophy if [moralized](morality.md). - e.g., soldier describing combat deaths in graphic detail without emotion. - e.g., trauma survivor recounts abuse mechanically, as if reading a script. Intellectualization: overusing logic and reasoning to avoid uncomfortable [feelings](mind-feelings.md). - Like Isolation of Affect, permits acceptance of information without experiencing the feelings that come with it. - e.g., terminally ill patient obsesses over medical statistics instead of grieving. - e.g., divorcee analyzes relationship theories but doesn't process their heartbreak. ### Narcissistic behavior The more the person conducts [narcissistic behavior](mind-neurodivergence-clusterb-narcissist.md), the more [habit-forming](habits.md) it becomees, and the higher chance of developing into a more mature form of NPD. Rationalization: making excuses to justify unacceptable behavior. - This allows someone to not hold themselves responsible (and have to attempt more mental effort) for their behavior. - e.g., student blames a failed exam on the professor's bad teaching. - e.g., thief claims a huge corporation won't miss the things they're stealing. Projection: attributing sentiments about onself to others. - Allows the avoidance of [responsibility](meaning.md) - e.g., cheating spouse constantly accuses their partner of infidelity. - e.g., lazy coworker complains that nobody in the office works hard. Denial: refusing to acknowledge a painful reality. - Allows someone to stay unaware of a painful reality. - e.g., smoker dismissing lung cancer as "just a bad cough". - e.g., parent insists their adult child's [drug addiction](addiction-substances.md) is "just going through a phase". Splitting: viewing people or events as all-good or all-bad. - Makes [decision-making](mind-decisions.md) easier if things are black-and-white. - This is common in [both BPD and autism](mind-neurodivergence.md). - e.g., patient calls nurses "angels" but doctors "monsters" on the same day. - e.g., romantic partner weekly switches between idolization and hatred. ## Mature defenses These are advanced, conscious actions designed to preserve relationships and self-esteem. - It can be fueled by the [habits](habits.md) from unconscious defense mechanisms, but is always a [decision](mind-decisions.md) for the person to do it. - Since these strategies are conscious, they can be flexible for the circumstances. ### Indirectly assists with the issue Suppression: consciously delaying emotions to effectively cope with them. - This must be used carefully, but allows a person power to work through what they're feeling. - e.g., a surgeon focuses on saving a patient to process the feelings later. - e.g., a student postpones grief over a breakup until after their final exams. Humor: using comedy to cope with pain. - It gives a means for pain to be lightened by shifting its context. - e.g., a cancer patient jokes that bald is the new sexy. - e.g., a fired employee jokes that it's time to open a taco stand. ### Directly addresses the issue Sublimation: channeling unacceptable urges into productive outlets. - It allows a place for defects and issues to freely be expressed. - e.g., an aggressive person becomes a martial arts instructor. - e.g., a grieving artists paints masterpieces. Altruism: relieving guilt and anxiety by helping others. - This is the basis of [selfless love](people-love.md), and is necessary to grow out of being a dysfunctional person. - e.g., a recovered addict volunteers at a drug recovery center. - e.g., a wealthy but lonely donor funds scholarships for orphans. ## Halting the pattern Most people who have normalized defense mechanisms know how to provoke others' [feelings](mind-feelings.md) on command. - If you're caught unaware, that person can usually reveal your weaknesses and [break you down](people-image-distortion.md). - Avoid spending much time around these tactics, since they destroy your [happiness](mind-feelings-happiness.md) across the rest of your life and [influence](power-influence.md) you to perform those actions on others. - If you must be around these people, [spend time with better friends](people-friends.md) to offset how much they'll influence you. If you expect ego defense mechanisms: 1. Recognize what they're doing. - Only observe it to ignore it. - You *can* use ego tactics back, but it's [immoral](morality.md). - Never let it affect the conversation unless you *want* to address it. 2. At *any* time you feel uncomfortable or see the conflict going nowhere, step away from the conflict. 3. Sidestep their tactics. - Treat your statements as if someone is *constantly* recording what you say. - Never give a simple answer to a complicated question unless you fully accept its implied statement. - e.g., "Do you or don't you have the money you stole?" - Saying "Yes" or "No" is also implying, "I stole the money." - If you ever make a misstatement, own it immediately to prevent them from using it later. - If you justify it, do it on the basis of why you said it in the first place. 4. If they don't stop, draw attention to their tactic. - Negotiate your terms for continuing the discussion. - If they don't want to change their behavior in any way, step away from the conflict and promise to come back later when everyone is calmer. 5. Clarify new rules about how you'll respond to their behavior. - Do *not* give any new information that's unnecessary, since it can easily overwhelm. - Note that an underhanded tactic that worked in the past sets a precedent for future conflicts. When you hear a passive-aggressive insult framed as a question: 1. Throughout the engagement, stay good-natured. - If you break your composure, they will use it to make you look bad. - Maintain physical eye contact and breathe deeply to control your behavior and show them you're in control. - Since they're trying to create an escalation, do *not* demonstrate any escalating behavior. 2. Throughout their insult-question, maintain direct eye contact with a steady gaze. - They are often not bold enough to directly confront. - You are informing them that you know what they're doing. 3. Answer their question boldly and directly in good faith. - Give the benefit of the doubt with a straightforward answer. 4. Give a "warning shot" that says you won't respond the way they want you to. - Often, their question is framed to make *all* the answers look bad. - Make it clear that their question was badly worded or badly framed. 5. Ask them what's going on. - They won't be able to answer. - In some cases, they may backpedal and imply they're asking their question in good faith (i.e., gaslighting). 6. If they continue to be vague or deceptive (which they likely will), remove yourself from the situation. If you need to stop a subversive control tactic mid-conflict: 1. Set a clear boundary by stopping the interruption graciously and firmly. - Slow down your words to dramatically enhance what you're trying to say. - Gently put your hand up to express a boundary. - Politely express you want adequate time to make your point. - You *must* get a response from them. - This approach will work 90% of the time. 2. Employ [shame](mind-feelings-shame.md) when they don't honor your boundary: - Ask very specific questions that draw attention to their behavior. - "You would like an answer from me, right?" - "Is it okay for me to finish my point?" - "Do you want an answer, or would you like to talk?" - Resume the conversation where you left off, and avoid any smugness or rudeness. - This works 8 out of 10 times you need it (i.e., 8% of the time). 3. If they don't respond to your boundary or shaming, leave them: - This is for the 2% of the people who can't respect your boundaries. - Make sure they receive the satisfaction of having the last word. When you catch them projecting: 1. Carefully pay attention to accusations they make that are their own issue (e.g., "you're not being very nice") 2. Respond to their statement as if they've admitted their flaw (e.g., "thank you for your transparency") - If you want, you can be more transparent (e.g., "...and I appreciate that we're being open with our failings here") 3. If you do it enough, they will be too confused to attack you anymore. When they disrespect you: 1. As soon as you see them saying something meant to hurt you, peacefully let silence persist for 5-7 seconds. - This silence magnifies their statement's severity. 2. Ask them to repeat themselves, and give them an opportunity to reframe what they said. 3. If they're not speaking more politely, let the silence persist again. 4. Say "thank you", and carry on. - You don't need to be specific. - You're thanking them for revealing their true character, but you don't have to tell them that. ## Hostile environments When engaging with toxic people, you can often tell you've succeeded in proper boundary-setting, even if they don't affirm it. - The worst version of this toxicity comes through [the final stages of engaging with a narcissist](hardship-abuse-narcissist-stages.md). - Most of the time, their assertions are "you" statements. - "You've changed. / You're not the same person." - They likely feel out of control or unable to manipulate you. - You've likely found peace without needing others' validation. - Unless you're going down an [immoral road](morality.md) (e.g., [addiction](addiction.md)), they should be praising your growth. - "You think you're better than I am. / You're a narcissist. / You're full of yourself. / You've become selfish." - You're no longer accepting their version of reality as absolute. - You've probably accepted that you're worthy of love, even when you don't receive it. - "You're so cold/distant now. / You don't care anymore." - You're no longer reacting to their behaviors and have withdrawn your emotional validation of them. - You have a right to be distant, but also must have boundaries that permit [forgiveness](hardship-forgiveness.md) if they're willing to change as well. If you're in a new community that thrives on frequent conflict, find the highest-ranking member of the organization you expect to win against and antagonize them into a fight: - If you're [perceptive](mind-awareness.md), you'll likely win and become the most respected person in the room. - However, don't take on more than you can handle: you're likely facing someone more experienced than you and probably has the favor of everyone else there. - If you're publicly humiliated, graciously accept defeat and find a new community as soon as possible. - If you're stuck in that community (e.g., [incarceration](hardship-incarceration.md)), then own your mistake and acknowledge the stronger person as a type of leader. Watch for people who try to overpower the conversation: - Some people try to subdue others through the force of their [personality](people-personality.md). - Their most defining characteristic is that they constantly keep interrupting you to say something that isn't clearly responding to what you stated. - They're not listening to you, but are simply trying to win an argument. One of the most critical skills in conflict management is to know when to disengage. - If you let them cross your boundaries, it sets a precedent for them to continue doing it later. - Once you've said what you wanted to say, any further discussion is a waste of yours and their time.