# Conflicts with narcissists

The most complex part of a narcissist comes through how they manage conflicts.

- Most people won't realize they're engaged with a narcissist until *after* they've had a [standard conflict](people-conflicts.md) with one of them.
- In many ways, every single narcissist is perfectly wonderful to get along with, until it's time to [negotiate](people-conflicts-negotiation.md).

The largest risk to your conflicts is knowing when you're dealing with a narcissist.

- Most people want a [resolution to a conflict](people-conflicts-why.md) and act [in good faith](people-contracts.md) to that end.
- The narcissist, however, will only find peace when they've achieved the impossible task of [your complete conformity](people-culture-cults.md).
  - Further, they see everything that gets in the way of that ideal as [something that needs to be "erased"](hardship-abuse-narcissist-stages.md)
- They only maintain their power, however, as long as people are unaware of their actual behaviors.

However, after the first encounter, you can usually learn to observe [indicators of narcissism](mind-neurodivergence-clusterb-narcissist-indicators.md) long before you must engage in a direct conflict with them.

## Making conflicts with narcissists

You will likely incur their attention and subsequent conflict by doing any of the following:

- Expressing [hardship](hardship.md) that doesn't involve them or outpaces the hardship they're experiencing.
- You're [succeeding](success-1_why.md) or starting to succeed more than they are.
- You made them feel unimportant, whether intentionally or accidentally.

A narcissist has a predictable conflict style:

1. Make some form of chaos, often where they can deny involvement.
2. Wait for someone else to react to the chaos ("baiting").
3. Make that person's reaction the focus of the issue.
4. Do everything they can to turn everyone against that person.

Therefore, you stop them abruptly by not reacting to their chaos.

- Further, your ability to openly communicate with others will also shield *others* from being drawn into the narcissist's chaos.

Be prepared for the narcissist's triangulation or "flying monkeys" (a term referring to "the Wonderful Wizard of Oz").

- The Karpman drama triangle is the act of getting a "rescuer" involved who is unfamiliar with the persecutor's direct conflict with the victim.
  - Healthy conflict resolution arises out of a community that is well-informed of the [personalities](people-personality.md) and [virtuousness](morality-virtues.md) of everyone involved.
  - Even true mediation/arbitration requires everyone in the room together, but the narcissist will use whatever means possible to *not* directly approach the issue on fair terms.
- For the sake of simplicity and sanity, never [trust](mind-trust.md) a "peacemaker" who heard the narcissist's story first.
  - That person has a version of the story they're convinced is true, and the narcissist has sent them to "resolve" the conflict.
- These people are effectively trying to create peace, but become useful for the narcissist's manipulation.
  - Many times, those people are at [other stages of narcissist's abuse cycle](hardship-abuse-narcissist-stages.md), meaning they're [victims of abuse](hardship-abuse.md) themselves.
- While it can often be tempting to become angry at the flying monkey, *never* take your anger out on them.
  - At best, they will see you as mentally unstable and will relay that information back to the abuser.
  - At worst, they will consider you the [abuser](hardship-abuse.md) and will proceed with more [certainty](understanding-certainty.md) on that presumption.
- The narcissist's [capacity for influence](power-influence.md) heavily determines how many flying monkeys they have and who will believe them.
  - This can become disastrous across society when some of those people are in positions of legitimate authority (e.g., police officer, judge)

Here's an example of a pleasant situation turned toxic by a narcissist:

1. An unsuspecting male has a female narcissist partner, and he brings a store-bought cake for her birthday because she said she didn't want to do anything for her birthday earlier that week.
2. The narcissist responds to his cake by saying she had really wanted to go out. When he asks about earlier that week she tells him he misheard. He knows that if he disagrees an argument will break out, so he says nothing.
3. On the way to the dining establishment, he is trying to figure out how he misremembered what she said. She sees he's not paying attention to her, so she stops his train of thought and talks about herself.
4. At the establishment, she orders the most expensive things on the menu even while he feels unhappy with that decision. He chooses to not say anything there, but brings it up on the ride home.
5. She calls him a cheapskate, then rejects any opportunity he makes to reconcile with her. The night ends badly.
6. In this repeated circumstance across months and years, he will eventually [lose his temper](mind-feelings-anger.md), and at that point she will use that against him.

Most people argue to prove a point, but they're simply maintaining their narcissistic supply.

- They design the surrounding chaos to provoke a specific reaction from others (JADE):
  - Justify: if you're justifying yourself, nobody is paying attention to the narcissist.
    - e.g., "Give me one exact example where I did that."
  - Argue: if you're arguing, a narcissist can draw all attention to you.
    - e.g., "I wouldn't have done it if you had shown up at the time we discussed."
  - Defend: when you're defending, you're not attacking them.
    - e.g., "That's a funny thing coming from a self-professed Christian."
  - Explain: you're giving more information for them to use against you.
    - e.g., "Why should I believe you?"

To buy time, deflect from any interactions that could turn into a conflict.

- Their techniques mean it's impossible to "close the loop" and find harmony with them.
- They are also in no way interested in [changing](people-changes.md), so correcting them is foolishness.
- The best solution is to redirect all conflicts to surface-level things (e.g., [small talk](language-speaking-smalltalk.md)).

While it isn't "nice", handling a narcissist requires a very specific approach:

1. Spiritually turn from any [anger](mind-feelings-anger.md), which means releasing it to God.
   - They are a tragic story that will only become more tragic as they accumulate more trouble for themselves.
   - All you can do is grow yourself, separately from them.
   - You don't need to expose them, since they'll expose themselves over time.
2. Create distance with them, both physically and relationally.
   - Avoid matching or responding to their emotional tone.
   - Behave in a very boring way with them until they get bored and go somewhere else ("gray-rocking").
   - [Influencing](power-influence.md) them is an utter waste of time, and your vulnerability will expose you to risk.
   - If you must stay around them, practice [healthy boundaries](people-boundaries.md) like your life depends on it.
   - Focus more on asking questions to destabilize their assertions than giving direct answers to their double-bind questions.
   - You are also free to *not* respond to them whatsoever.
3. Stay in close community with others.
   - You must [take care of yourself](hardship-abuse.md), so learn to isolate from their toxic behaviors and build relationships with others elsewhere.
   - Besides protecting you from their direct abuse, more people and institutions protect you from the reputation damage they'll inevitably give you.
4. Avoid any open confrontation with them, since they *will* misuse it to their advantage.
   - If they try to trap you into a response, use [healthy conflict management techniques](people-conflicts-bad.md)
   - Stay gracious to them, even if they make you [angry](mind-feelings-anger.md).
   - Learn to walk away when things become heated.
5. Remove any connections they could misuse later.
   - Secure your finances separately from them.
   - Change passwords or close accounts.
   - Adapt your lifestyle to not include them.
6. Plan for the narcissist's [lies](people-lying.md) by [maintaining your character](morality-virtues.md).
   - Document events that happen, and use facts over feelings as much as possible.
   - Since you can't protect yourself from *everyone* they could come in contact with, openly share the truth with your closer friends and [family](people-family.md).

## Ending things

Whatever [boundaries](people-boundaries.md) you set, make sure they are entirely enforceable.

- "If you call me names, I will leave the room immediately."
- "If you yell at me, I will hang up/leave the room."
- "If you bring up my past to shame me, I will not respond."
- "If you mock me in front of others, I'll walk away."
- "If you stonewall me with silence, I will stop trying to resolve this."
- "If you twist my words, I will repeat myself once and then disengage."
- "If you ignore what I said, I will remove myself from the situation."

Counter-intuitively, insults don't work on narcissists.

- They enjoy the drama and the attention.
- Further, they will use your insults as a means to manipulate their current narcissistic supply.

If you do *anything* that holds them accountable, they will absolutely seek to destroy you at some point in the future (you've basically moved to [Stage 8 of the abuse cycle](hardship-abuse-narcissist-stages.md)):

- Tell them they are a narcissist.
- Call them out on a lie they've made, then tell them you don't care if they try to justify it.
- "I see what you're doing, and it's wrong."
- "I understand you may need the last word, so go ahead."
- "You don't affect me anymore."
- Conduct a "reverse discard", which is quietly detaching from them without drama before they detach from you.

You can definitely use language that asserts healthy boundaries with them, but they may still seek to destroy you:

- "I don't have to respond every time you tell me something."
- "I'm not okay with you showing up at my home unannounced."
- "I am allowed to change my mind."
- "Go ahead and keep doing it, I won't get in the way of it at this point."
- The quickest way to halt every conflict is to say "I accept that's how you feel".

The most peaceable option is to help them "forget" you:

- Give a threat that you'll expose their wrongdoing, then offer for everyone to forget the event if they don't talk anymore.
  - It's effectively a form of blackmail, but absolutely necessary because of the lack of [love](people-love.md) on their end.
- "If you keep doing this, I will report the event you disclosed to me."
- "I can release a recording of this discussion on social media, or we can forget this ever happened."

It's worth noting that you *can* behave like a psychopath to them.

- Their ego is weak enough that they'll be terrified of you.
- However, this is highly risky, since they will use anything you do against you.
- Further, while it may be satisfying in the short-term, it is a very [legally unsafe](legal-safety.md) thing to do.

## After the fact

After their discard, expect them to spread falsehoods about you.

- Don't take it personally, since they do this with everyone who crosses them.
- You *will* lose mutual [friends](people-friends.md) in the encounter.
  - If they're not willing to hear your side of the story, those friends have been susceptible to narcissistic abuse themselves.
  - Others' judgment of you is their [moral hazard](morality.md).
  - Some mutual friends will come back around later if they're worth your time.
  - Some friends you will lose [are *also* Cluster B](people-friends-bad.md), which can be a good thing in disguise.

Take the time to [heal from the abuse](hardship-abuse.md).

- If you don't, it is very easy to encounter further narcissists and perpetuate a cycle with them.

If you really can't get over the narcissist, you will likely wish to expose them.

- Ironically, that public humiliation will give them more satisfaction due to the attention they receive and their ability to manipulate things against you.
- If people publicly see you as the driving force against the narcissist, they won't take your allegation against them seriously.
- Whatever you say or do can expose yourself to [criminal](legal-crimes.md) risks:
  - To spread any [lies](people-lying.md) publicly is defamation.
  - If you demonstrate any direct malice, you can get in trouble.
- The story you tell should be inconsistent with the [image](people-image.md) they've worked hard to build.
  - e.g., if that person has a reputation for ruthlessness, your assertions of their ruthlessness will mean nothing.
  - Otherwise, they'll work well with whatever you accuse them of doing.
- They also don't care about their reputation, only their image.
  - In other words, while healthy people care about what others [feel](mind-feelings.md), they only manage and amplify everyone's impressions.
  - Therefore, damage the initial impression they have with others, which is more about appearances than any legitimate credibility.
    - This particular approach is a huge reason why [journalism](language-journalism.md) has become a dead art.
- Your greater risk is always that you'll likely become more like the enemy you're trying to destroy.

## Observing the conflict

It's very easy to distance yourself from a narcissist's abusive interaction.

- Many times, the narcissist's story is a very dramatic story where they are the victim, so it can be hard to tell.

If you jump to help the first person seeking you for help, you may be assisting the perpetrator and harming the victim even further.

To that end, pay close attention to cues the victim and perpetrator provide:

- Focus of the issue:
  - Perpetrators focus on the victim's character and try to make the victim look very bad.
  - Victims focus on the perpetrator's actions and often work to protect the perpetrator's [image](people-image.md).
- Desire to reconcile:
  - Perpetrators usually never want to reconcile with the victim.
  - The victim will usually want to communicate with the perpetrator and will over-explain.
- Self-accountability:
  - Perpetrators will tend to minimize their actions.
  - Victims will take full accountability, even when that accountability makes them look bad.
- Seeking therapy:
  - Perpetrators usually don't seek out therapy.
  - Victims will frequently seek therapy to cope with their issues.
- Public attention:
  - Perpetrators who were once very private will suddenly become very open.
  - Victims will usually shut down and self-isolate until they have the courage to speak up.
- Making changes:
  - Perpetrators will say they're healing and changing, but their lifestyle won't reflect it.
  - Victims will often [change to become better people](people-changes.md) over time.