# How to negotiate

*Every* conflict is a type of negotiation:

- In a way, negotiation is [communication](language-speaking.md) focused on results.
- You *always* have something to gain, even if it's changing their opinions or leaving you alone.
- You're the best defender of your rights and privileges, so you must have the courage to stand up for yourself.
- Always, throughout the dialogue, stay focused on what you want.
- *Never* treat the conflict as a either/or option or you'll trigger a fight-or-flight response in yourself.

Everyone tends to manage negotiations by accommodating, assertion, or analysis:

- Accommodators want to be on talking terms with others, even if they can't agree.
  - Their biggest risk is that they'll compromise their values and make bad deals.
  - They also have a tendency to make endless small talk, which irritates the other types.
- Assertives believe every minute in a conflict beyond necessary is a waste.
  - They tend to value winning above anything else and disregard others' desires.
  - You can only win them over when they're convinced you understand them.
- Analysts systematically and methodically work toward what they want.
  - Only disagree with them using hard facts and information.
  - Warn them of issues early, and *never* surprise them.
- We tend to subconsciously project our own style onto others and expect them to behave in turn.

Don't worry about offense from the confrontation:

- You're entering a conflict because you want to see change, but change is often offensive.
- While we should care about others, our only universal obligation is to [respect](people-3_respect.md) them.
- That person has the right to think whatever they want of you, no matter how awful.

Give plenty of pro-social information, and ask questions more than make statements:

- People often have their own views and ideas, and your questions make them more important than you.
- However, if they have severe trust issues, demonstrate good faith by candidly giving them tons of information that you feel safe providing.

Healthy negotiations cycle through the same stages:

1. At least one person sees an issue, then identifies what they want or need.
2. That person approaches someone with the power to do something about it and starts a [dialogue](language-speaking.md).
3. Eventually, they confronts them with that desire or demand, which often has many "I feel" statements or agreed-upon facts.
4. They discuss a way to reconcile the demands, which can last anywhere from a few seconds to months depending on the severity.
5. The conflict resolves with someone stating absolute consequences, or people bring up additional conflicts to further intensify the experience.

Contrary to popular opinion, great negotiation represents something closer to modern psychotherapy than a haggling session.

Before you approach them, make a good guess of what everyone wants:

- You must know what you desire and fear.
  - Rank each desire on a scale from 1 to 10.
  - Expect to sacrifice your lowest-priority desires to get what you want.
- You sohuld somewhat reliably guess *their* desires.
  - People often begin conflicts with a clear purpose of what *they* want, but don't understand what the other person wants.
  - If you don't know, consider how they [feel](mind-feelings.md) and [what they want from life](humanity-universals.md).
- People tend to impose their background onto others.
  - Don't expect others to see your desires, and always keep your mind open about theirs.

Be careful with numbers:

- As soon as you use a number (often involving [money](money-1_why.md)), it establishes a precedent that people expect as a baseline and keep mentally revisiting.
- Always use a specific number (like 9.98) instead of a "round" number (like 10) to imply you know the exact value of something.
- Numbers like "3" and "7" imply an exact calculation, while round numbers like "5" and "10" imply approximations.
- Always start with a *much* safer number than you're willing to sacrifice for, since they're almost certainly going to try to change it.
- Instead of giving your "actual" value, give a recommended one (e.g., "People with my experience level are usually worth 55 to 75 thousand" when you know you could get 50).

Have a BATNA (a backup plan) if they won't compromise:

- Since nobody else will do it for you, you must have a plan to protect yourself with a BATNA (Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement):
  - A BATNA is a non-negotiable red line you won't let the other person cross.
  - Your negotiation power comes directly from the strength of your BATNA.
  - The less you need, the stronger your BATNA can be.
- Look at every possible negotiable thing you could consider sacrificing if you needed:
  - Things you don't use or won't use.
  - Opportunities you won't take advantage of.
  - Risks that affect both of you.
  - Abilities and resources you have that they don't.
- Pay close attention to built-in benefits to otherwise unpleasant situations.

## Attack the problem, not the person

Since people want to be important, but you do too, treat the conflict as two important people hashing out a problem together:

- That person is *never* your enemy, but the problem is, and you simply have to both convince and adapt to the other person's solution.
- Everyone has a [logical flow of thoughts](logic.md) that appear reasonable to them.

Good negotiations require patience:

- Stay alert to what you don't know: many things that provoke others' behavior you'll never be able to guess.
- To prolong *their* patience, you must want what's best for them and put them at ease.
- The easiest way to exude patience is to always maintain a pleasant disposition and stay unaffected by events as they unfold.

To gain their trust, prioritize your relationship with them:

- Use "we" in your statements prematurely, and frequently.
- Openly express your distress over the problem, but avoid attributing it to *anyone*.
- Appeal to the other person's best qualities.
- Even when it seems unlikely, assume meaningful dialogue is possible.
- Learn what's happening, not whose fault it is.
- [Respect them](people-3_respect.md), irrespective of what they think of you.

Most people are reliving past dysfunctional roles from their family:

- Our [past hardship](hardship.md) gives all of us destructive, counterproductive approaches.
- Good negotiation draws from a person's "best self", which requires ignoring their "worst self".

Listen carefully to them:

- The listener has more power in the dialogue because they're directing the power of the speaker.
- To keep them talking, repeat back the last few words they said.
- [Listening](language-speaking.md) requires acknowledging, which isn't always agreeing.
  - When there's a pause, recognize and approve their feelings, but circle around the reality those feelings are based on.
- People tend to resent being misunderstood, so pay close attention to their point of view and why they believe it, all the way back to their [religious](religion.md) and [political](politics-conservativeliberal.md) views.
- When they freely speak, they'll feel more important and valued, and you'll have more information to understand them.

Speak plainly and directly:

- Learn concise [speaking](language-speaking.md) (<40 words) to keep everyone focused.
  - "When [observation], I feel [emotion] because I need [[universal need](humanity-universals.md)]."
  - "You can do that, but it will require [sensible list of things] to get there, and I wouldn't recommend that if I were you."
  - Are you able to [request]?"
  - "Before we go further to [big idea], do we agree on [small idea]?"

Before reacting, slow down:

- Most people are unaware how they appear when they're upset, but tend to phrase statements as verbal attacks.
- If you perceive something offensive, resist the urge to attack back.
- At the same time, you should be [self-aware](awareness.md) enough to see when you must walk away to cool down.

Negotiate from principles and encourage them to do the same:

1. See the problem from their side.
2. Identify critical issues and concerns (but not people) involved.
3. Give results that provide an entirely acceptable solution.
4. Identify possible new ways to achieve these results from other angles.
5. If they keep attacking, refuse to retaliate and instead redirect the attacks toward the problem.

## 1. Agree on a date

When you can, dive right in at the moment:

- A planned negotiation is often the least revealing because people dread the conflict more from anticipation and are therefore the most guarded.
- Impromptu meetings are best because they catch people at their most authentic and vulnerable.
- If you *do* plan out a meeting, ask advice from others to see what you can learn before entering it and research *very* thoroughly about everything that may apply to the situation.

If you're engaging the conflict with someone else on your side, clarify beforehand what you both want to do:

1. One person will always be leading, with the other person as moral support and commentary.
2. If you and your allies have a conflict *during* the negotiation, you've just given an opportunity for them to enhance your conflict.
3. Clarify every expectation you each want, with clear plans on what to do and how much the leader can improvise.
4. By the time you enter the set conflict, you should all understand each other perfectly.

Keep the meeting away from other obligations:

- Consider the emotional state you'll both be in after wherever you both came from.
- If you're concerned about the conversation going nowhere, have an event planned right after the conflict to justify leaving.

Set the location in a neutral zone:

- Try to find a venue without distractions or interruptions.
- If anyone else will be present, stay extremely certain over what side they'll likely take.
- There's a *huge* difference between a mediator and arbitrator overseeing the conflict:
  - A mediator is an unaffected third-party with nothing to gain or lose from either side.
  - An arbitrator is a decision-making judge, and typically appointed by the party with more power.
- Arbitration can often become a 2-on-1 battle.
  - If they're arbitrating, consider an audio recording in case the conflict has adverse [legal consequences](legal-safety.md), or bring an attorney to even it out.
- While a mediator may intervene and be quite skilled at it, do *not* let them take control of the conflict, since they won't have to live with the consequences while *you* will.
  - If they're leading you down a path you don't approve of, call a time-out and tell them privately that if they continue along that route you will get a new mediator.
- If you're arbitrating, expect *them* to bring an attorney.

Start the engagement on a positive note like small talk or giving an affirmation:

- You'll learn more about them from the first few minutes before getting down to business and the last few moments as everyone is leaving.
- For this reason, stay alert from the moment you encounter them until you've left.

## 2. Clarify expectations first

You must find mutual purpose together:

- Commit to seek a mutual purpose with them (e.g., "we both want what's best for the company").
- Recognize the purpose behind their strategy, and ask why they want something.
- Invent a mutual purpose, and provoke everyone to a better shared purpose.

Focus on what they want, not where they're at or what they need:

- Needs are matters of survival, while wants are a bit easier to talk about.
- A person desperate enough can *always* change their situation to get what they want.
- Wants and desires often change as both sides gain more understanding of each other.
- Watch for "unmoving" [rules](morality-taboo.md) that would offend them.
- Everyone has the same types of needs:
  - Autonomy
  - Collaboration
  - Consistency
  - Clarity
  - Integrity
  - Recognition
  - Respect
  - Reassurance
  - Security
  - Support
  - Understanding
- People tend to need *much* more than they like to admit.

Consider what everyone has:

- Goals: What does each party want?
- Trades: What is each party planning to sacrifice for it?
- Alternatives: What is each party open to giving instead?
- Contingency Plans: What will each party do if they can't get what they want?
- Relationships: What relationships and history with other people does each party have, and how can it affect the future?
- Expected Outcomes: What do both sides believe will happen from this situation?
- Consequences: What do both sides believe will happen from various decisions about the situation?
- Power: Who has more power and resources than the other, and who has the most to lose?
- Possible Solutions: Given everything, which reasonable compromises can everyone make?

Ask questions to understand their interests and perspective:

- Test your assumptions by asking if they want something in particular.
- If they correct you and aren't [lying](people-lying.md), openly admit you've been wrong and promptly change your beliefs about them.
- Try to find additional things that everyone may have overlooked which could benefit various parties.
  - Often, a small change in a situation, or a future likely change, can make the entire conflict irrelevant.

To the degree you trust them, openly share your feelings and what you want:

- Sharing information gives a reason for them to trust you back, which helps in reaching an agreement.
- At the same time, be careful because they *could* risk using that information against you.
- Never give more information than they need to make *their* decisions, since they can use everything you say against you later.
- If you don't trust them but still plan to share, clearly state the consequences if they abuse your trust.

## 3. Insist on objective criteria

Keep your standards fair:

- Suspend your judgments and desires.
- Make purposeful, intentional steps and avoid rushing any decisions.

You must desire peace with the other person, or they *will* be defensive.

Stay aware of the stated conflict:

1. You can usually see the demands and proposals of both sides right away.
2. It takes more work, but pay attention to both sides' underlying needs or requirements.
3. Behind those needs, carefully consider their likely goals and objectives, but keep an open mind.
4. Within their goals and objectives, look for any shared goals or objectives (which often takes [creativity](mind-creativity-how.md) to find).
5. Stay focused on what you know and understand, especially if emotions start getting more intense.

Establish unalterable realities:

- These are "facts" and "givens".
- Agreeing on facts is critical because not everyone agrees on the same information.
- Avoid "I" statements, and frame everything with an abstracted voice (e.g., "It sounds like...", "It feels like...", "I'm hearing that...").
  - "I" statements claim personal responsibility for words, but people in conflicts are frequently *looking* for a reason to be offended.
  - At the same time, since you're stating sometihng as a "fact", only make statements you know the other person will agree with
- Differentiate between someone's observations and evaluations.

Accept responsibility for your portion of the conflict:

- Acknowledge the conflict exists.
- Speak specifically, and avoid generalizing the situation.
  - Very often, feelings cloud judgment because one incident can imply a pattern.
  - Patterns are a different discussion altogether from individual conflicts, and usually require changing difficult [habits](habits.md).
- Since you probably don't even know what they want you to apologize for, don't apologize immediately.

As much as possible, encourage them to share their views:

- You're trying to let them feel their ideas have been heard, *not* to "get everyone to make a decision".
- Ask them what their sincere thoughts are, and don't judge anything they say.
- Mirror their behaviors and statements to confirm their feelings.
- Paraphrase their statements to acknowledge the [story](stories.md) they're trying to present.
- When you're getting nowhere, provoke them by being *more* vulnerable.
  - Vulnerability requires trust and belief.

While focusing on reality, don't disregard their feelings:

- Throughout the exchange, they have feelings they're likely not aware of that drive their decisions.
- They must feel important, listened to, and understood for their feelings to surface.
- As their feelings arise and they feel safe to express them, the dialogue becomes less intense and more rational.

The best two words in any negotiation are "that's right":

1. The other person feels they were heard.
   - Keep listening and working hard to summarize their answers.
2. You've been able to communicate what haven't said, but were thinking or feeling.

## 4. Brainstorm a mutually beneficial solution

Do *not* compromise your own limits:

- Never deviate from the things you absolutely need.
- However, never *start* with what you need, but what you want.
- Start from absolutely everything you want that they can reasonably provide, then concede your way backward.

Brainstorm possible solutions together:

- Assume that undiscovered options exist.
  - Mutual gain will only come in a "third option" that someone hasn't thought of yet.
  - Identify any available human, financial, technical, and organizational resources.
  - More answers lie in the future, not the past, so think closely on future opportunities that affect the deal today.
  - To broaden the possibilities further, open yourself to possibly changing and ask how far they'd be willing to change.
- Stay curious in difficult situations.
  - Our natural instinct in conflict is to abandon curiosity and dehumanize others.
  - Stay focused on answers, not problems.
- If you need, postpone the discussion to give yourself [more time to think](mind-creativity-how.md).

Great deals come from having and appearing to have leverage:

- Whoever says "I want" has less leverage than the other one, since the other person has the means to withhold or give that thing.
- Negotiation is a psychological battle of certainty.
  - The person who flinches first to the uncertainty will sacrifice more.
  - Even when someone is entirely certain, you know things they can't *possibly* know.
- Ask open-ended questions to provoke thought.
  - Their answers will tire them out and show everything they really know.
  - It's not to show them your point of view, but to erode confidence in theirs.
- Ask questions the other party can respond to but has no fixed answers:
  1. You buy time to internalize what you're observing.
  2. You keep them in control of the dialogue (and therefore important).
  3. They're not aware of how little they really know.

For every negative emotion you observe, give a positive and compassionate solution that could serve your benefits as well.

A conflict grows worse in several directions:

- Escalation - increasing back-and-forth negativity
  - Soften your tone.
  - Acknowledge their point of view.
- Invalidation - painful insults
  - Accept their feelings as entirely valid.
  - Respect their feelings and concerns, even if you don't agree with them.
- Negative Interpretations - falsely perceiving others' motives
  - Reconsider what you believe of their motives.
  - Push yourself to look for evidence that doesn't fit your conclusion.
- Withdrawal/Avoidance - unwilling to commit to essential discussions
  - Realize how much and how far you need others.
  - Communicate the need for space and clarify when you want to discuss the matter again.

No matter what, don't press it if the conflict gets worse:

- Disagreements always connect to feelings, so pressing your case won't prove anything.
- Take your time, and learn to use silence to your advantage.
- If you're yelling, you've already lost the argument because you feel out of control.
- Always be prepared to walk away, either to cool down temporarily or permanently disengage.
- Sometimes everyone must calm down before anyone can behave rationally again.
- You're likely angry, but avoid saying offhanded remarks as you leave that could sabotage future discussion.
- Back off and approach the discussion again when the person is less angry.

We prepared for a non-negotiation:

- While the worst-case scenario is a last resort you don't want to explore, it's always a possibility.
- Start considering your backup plans if you see them resisting.
  - If they don't want a resolution, don't force a negotiation.
  - Include a third party to mediate or arbitrate.
- Until the conflict is over, always be prepared to walk away from it.
  - No deal is better than a bad deal.
  - Never hold yourself to an agreement they haven't agreed to yet.
  - Never compromise your standards or values.
- Many severe situations may require you to take [legal action](legal-safety.md).

Even if you feel immensely for their situation, *never* compromise backward beyond your BATNA.

## 5. Sell the best decision

If you find a workable answer, know beforehand how to decide:

- Since people value their freedom, decide as sparingly as possible.
- There are 4 possible forms of making a decision:
  1. Commanding, which will almost certainly burn most [friendships](people-4_friends.md) if not done carefully.
  2. Consult, which will only work if you legitimately consider their opinions.
  3. Vote, which removes any legitimate power you may have unless you're part of the majority view.
     - State the full natural consequences of various options, with your preferred option as the first or last one.
  4. Consensus, which is great when it's possible, but is only effective in specific situations.

Be careful giving ultimatums:

- An ultimatum bonds that agreement to your word and creates 3 possibilities:
  - They accept the offer.
  - They don't accept the offer and the deal is off.
  - They don't accept the offer and you must humiliate yourself.
- If you want a tactful ultimatum, use a heavily emotional appeal.
  - Give a personal and factual anecdote why you need something accomplished on their end (e.g., you want that thing to give your dying mother).
    - The anecdote must be true, or you're outright [lying](people-lying.md).
  - You're intensifying something you may not have felt *that* strongly about, but nobody can argue against it.

People typically need to say "no", so don't take it personally:

- "No" is how we maintain the way things always have been, which means they feel unsafe and need to assert control.
  - Getting them to say "no" about something increases the chances they'll say "yes" later.
  - The easiest form is to get them to say "no" to an obvious question about something that affects both of you the same way (e.g., "Do you want [our kids](parenting-children.md) to fail?").
- We tend to hear "no" as "no, in every way", but it has many alternative meanings:
  - "I am not yet ready to agree."
  - "You're making me feel uncomfortable."
  - "I don't [understand](understanding.md)."
  - "I don't think I can [afford it](money-3_budget.md)."
  - "I want something else."
  - "I need more information."
  - "I'd like to discuss it with someone else."
- Give them freedom to say it, without any risk of judgment.
- Keep listening to them to see what version of "no" they're using, then try to meet them where they're at.

Don't say "no" directly:

- You can usually bring out more shared dialogue by showing skepticism.
- Frame your rejection as a question to force the discussion to bring more dialogue.
  - You're communicating that you want to resolve the conflict, but need their intelligence to solve it.
- Only ask "what", "how" and sometimes "why", but nothing else:
  - "What about this is important to you? What do you stand to gain from this?"
  - "How can I help make this better for us?"
  - "How would you like me to proceed?"
  - "What is it that brought us to this situation?"
  - "How can we solve this problem?"
  - "What's the objective? / What are we trying to accomplish here?"
  - "How am I supposed to do that?"
- Asking questions forces them to have empathy for your side.

If you want, postpone deadlines to give as much time to sort things out:

- Time constraints force us to accept less favorable results.
- You can often win most conflicts merely through patience.
- On the other hand, if the other person is more easily excitable than you are, you can often exploit the urgency of a situation.

When they say "yes", it's not always an agreement:

- People sometimes say "yes" because they *want* to say "no", but "yes" is an easier escape from the dialogue (i.e., a high-pressure [sales pitch](marketing.md)).
  - Don't trust a counterfeit "yes", and treat it as a very polite "no".
- Other times, people simply say "yes" because it's a habitual reaction because they're agreeable.
  - In this situation, they don't agree with what you're proposing, but want to get along with *you*.
  - A confirmation "yes" means you can often come to a sincere "yes", but it's nothing by itself.
  - "I'll try" means they expect to fail, so it's unacceptable.
- The "yes" you want is a clear commitment they feel [responsible](meaning.md) for.
  - To get them to say "yes" as a commitment, they must [feel](mind-feelings.md) it.

Bring an offer:

- Ideally, *they* should be delivering the offer you want as if it were their idea.
- Use "I" and "We" more than "You" or "They".
- Your offer should make them feel they'll come out ahead relative to you by agreeing.
  - Depending on the information you provide about your best interests, they'll be disgusted or happy with your offer.
  - They must believe that they'll concretely lose something if there's no deal.
- If you're confident in your solution, set the standard by making the first offer.
  - Communicate it as a tentative arrangement, which permits them to explore a counter-offer.
  - If you're bold, go for an absolutely ridiculous offer to throw them off.
    - When you throw down a dramatic offer, they'll counter with a dramatic offer as well.
    - Name the price or conditions that are vastly favorable to your end that someone else has for them right now (e.g., set your service price at $20,000 because others do it for that price, even though you'd go for $10,000).
- If you have more power liberally set the offer above what you want, but if they have more power than you set it near your BATNA.

Haggle efficiently:

1. Place your target price beforehand, which is comfortably away from your worst-case expectations.
   - e.g., if they're offering $200 and you know its market value is $150, set your target at $141.
   - e.g., if the market value for what you're selling is $1,000, set your target at $1,067.
2. Set your first offer at 65% if you're buying, 135% if you're selling.
   - When buying, multiply the target by 2/3 (e.g., set the first offer to $93).
   - When selling, multiply the target by 1.5 (e.g., set the first offer to $1,583).
3. Calculate 3 more increments that move toward your target price:
   - 85%, 95%, and 100%
   - 115%, 105%, 100%
   - To make the math easy, divide the difference between the target and extreme number by 7:
     - The first difference is 4 increments, the second is 2, the third is 1.
     - (e.g., $48 in the first example becomes ~$6.85, so the first difference is 4x at ~$27, the second is half that at ~$14, and the third is the rest: $119, $133, and $141).
     - (e.g., $516 in the second example becomes ~$74, so the first difference is 4x at ~$295, the second is half that at ~147, and the third is the rest: $1,288, $1,141, and $1,067).
4. Use lots of empathy and many different ways of saying "no" to get the other side to counter-offer, then hesitate and show unease before you change your offer.
   - Use round numbers on the second round to imply that those numbers aren't fixed.
   - e.g., they counter after a story of their family with $160, give empathy and think for a while, then set the second offer for $120.
   - e.g., they say the budget won't allow it, so they're offering $800, so look like you're thinking hard, then set your second offer for $1,280.
5. On the final round of calculating, use precise numbers to give more credibility to the number (e.g., $1,067 versus $1,070).
   - Show that you're at your limit by throwing in a nonmonetary item they probably won't want.

- People who haggle will often pay *more* for an item, but the relative comparison of value will make them feel like it was a better deal.

Explicitly clarify any agreement:

- Tell them exact results you desire, with numbers when possible.
- If they are at all uncomfortable, hold yourself to numbers as well.
- Be *completely* honest about what you can and can't do.
- With the agreement, make sure each person is responsible for themselves and nobody else.
- Make performance standards and agree on a future time and date to evaluate everything.
- Put *everything* in writing, and have everyone sign if there's any distrust whatsoever.

## 6. Later, check in on the agreement

That person's attitude will tell you long before you see them again whether they're honoring the agreement or believe you're maintaining your end.

As tempting as it is, don't confront them before the agreed-upon date:

- By nagging, you'll likely *de*motivate them to do things differently.
- Instead, make plans to address their non-compliance.

If they want to create the results you want, be gracious toward their efforts.

Always honor your commitments, and explicitly communicate anytime the situation changes.