# How friendships work It's a [human universal](humanity-universals.md) that we need someone to implicitly [trust](trust.md). Broadly, favor is when a person like someone else, and it's usually for a clear and specific [reason](purpose.md). A friendship is when two people [like each other](people-4_friends.md), or at least [perceive](image.md) it to be that way, in a way that transcends anything particularly reasonable. Friendships aren't *always* a two-way experience, but a person can only have a friend if they [expect](imagination.md) it's two-way. As human beings, we [crave](purpose.md) positive interaction with other humans, but we don't always experience it. Often, during our [upbringing](people-family.md), many people [conclude](logic.md) they can't easily interact with other people and adapt to that [expectation](imagination.md). When taken far enough, people develop antisocial mental disorders. If we're particularly lonely, we can frequently have an intimate friend-like connection with animals, objects, [ideas](values.md), or even the idea *of* someone as our friend. ## Interest Friendships are grounded on common [interests](purpose.md), [identity](identity.md), or [beliefs](understanding-certainty.md), and people share them over *many* domains: - Similar prior experiences (like military or school) - Same [taste](values-quality.md) in [media](creations.md) and [social trends](trends.md) - Similar [preferences](humanity.md), such as with [food](cooking.md) or [recreation](purpose.md) - A [group identity](groups-member.md), or shared suffering under one, such as a [war](people-conflicts-war.md) - [Religious](religion.md) or [political](groups-large.md) views - [Philosophical views](philosophy.md) - Shared friendships with a third person - Mutual hatred of a third person or a [group](groups-member.md) - Potential future purposes, such as a [business venture](socialrisk.md) or [sale](marketing.md) - Shared [personality](personality.md) Our shared *[interpretation](imagination.md)* of an experience (and how we [feel](mind-feelings.md) about it) is a far clearer determination of a likely friendship than simply a shared experience: - Two people who were former military won't bond nearly as much as two people recovering from [trauma](hardship-ptsd.md) in the same way, irrespective of military. - An [accountant](money-accounting.md) and an [insurance](money-insurance.md) agent who love their job will find more friendship than two accountants with different opinions about their work. - A Muslim and a Christian who both share devotion to [God](religion.md) can get along more than two Muslims or two Christians with differing devotion to God. Legitimate friendships are grounded in [love](people-love.md) for one another's [soul](humanity.md). It unifies two people into a shared experience, at least for that moment. APPLICATION: We gain *massive* [understanding](understanding.md) from friendships because we're experiencing our lives through both ours and that other person's [points of view](image.md). The degree that each friend changes comes from their openness to the other friend's [points of view](image.md). [Stronger](power.md) people have stronger [convictions](understanding-certainty.md) and [understanding](understanding.md), and a weaker friend will *always* conform to the stronger one's standards (at least partially). This comes in three levels: 1. Comrade - a shared [conflict](people-conflicts.md), but it only persists as long as the conflict is the same (e.g., most [workplace](jobs-1_why.md) friendships). 2. Constituent/Partner - a shared [purpose](purpose.md), though the pursued [values](values.md) may be different, and only persists as long as there's [progress](results.md) toward shared goals. 3. Confidant - Shared [understanding](understanding.md) that engages meaningful [human connection](humanity.md) with each other. As we [mature](maturity.md), our friendships transition from the pool of children we spent time with into the [specializations](jobs-specialization.md) we've established for ourselves. It's not uncommon for adults to be so preoccupied with the requirements to [work](results.md) that they have very few friends. APPLICATION: Once we start getting busy with life later on, it's important to [purpose](purpose.md) ourselves to maintain and build new friendships. ## How It takes about 34 minutes before we've [decided](people-decisions.md) if we want to be friends with someone. By that time, we've verified that we're [perceiving](image.md) with relatively accurate [certainty](understanding-certainty.md) who they really are. We start a friendship when we've communicated a [value](values.md) the other person agrees with. The other person doesn't have to [identify](identity.md) with it, but they must [believe](understanding-certainty.md) it. We frequently form our beliefs from the [purposes](purpose.md) we've recently aspired to or [wish](imagination.md) to do soon, so we tend to find friends around our same state of [maturity](maturity.md) and [success](results.md). As we [change](people-changes.md), our friendships will change as well. Unless our friends are changing at the same speed as us, we'll slowly drift away from them. Either we'll leave them behind or they'll leave *us* behind. We can also sometimes cut down on our friendships simply because we got [bored](purpose.md) with them. APPLICATION: Unless we're *really* close to a friend, leaving a [group](groups-small.md) we share with that friend will also harm that friendship. We tend to build [trust](trust.md) with our friends, which is often connected with the [groups](groups-member.md) we share with them. That trust creates a profound [influence](influence.md) that affects our large-scale beliefs in many unseen ways. Our [identity](identity.md) is frequently intertwined with our friendships. Given enough time, the friendship between two people can create an exclusive [culture](people-culture.md), with unique [language](language.md), [customs](habits.md), and [beliefs](understanding-certainty.md). If those two people either [have children](people-family.md) or draw in new people, they've created a [small society](groups-small.md). APPLICATION: We must be careful about how much we invest into each friendship we have. We tend to change to become like the people we're trying to [influence](influence.md), and the people we spend time with will naturally change as *we* [change](people-changes.md)! APPLICATION: People [group us](image.md) by the friends we make, so be careful who you associate with (and how much) if those people aren't representing traits you wish to see in yourself. Unfortunately, finding and building friendships takes time. For that reason, most people who [mature](maturity.md) enough to [build careers](jobs-specialization.md) tend to become less effective at making friends. Our attachment isn't always straightforward, either: - Ideally, friends can feel [secure](safety.md) with each other, where they feel accepted by the other person (Secure). - However, that can violate the other person's [boundaries](people-boundaries.md) if they're [obsessed](addiction.md) too much with that other person (Preoccupied, or Anxious in [children](maturity.md)). - They may be disinterested in the relationship altogether, but find mutual gain in the connection (Dismissive, or Avoidant in children). - They could be [afraid](mind-feelings-fear.md) of commitment, but also afraid of losing a connection with that person, making them *very* [unpredictable](imagination.md) (Fearful). APPLICATION: If there are two friends with an unequal [power](power.md) dynamic (wealth difference, [age](maturity.md) difference, difference of [religious](religion.md) beliefs, etc.) the friend with more power will [influence](influence.md) the weaker. It may take a few years, but that weaker person will start looking a lot like their stronger friend. ## Gender and friendship The best form of friendship comes through [marriage](relationships-marriage.md) between both [genders](gender.md). This is for several reasons beyond any [religious](religion.md) or [cultural](people-culture.md) basis: - Both genders have dramatically differing forms of [reasoning](logic.md), so they [see entirely different things](image.md). - Since both genders are uniquely different, there's *always* things to learn from the other gender, so it never gets [boring](purpose.md). - The distinctions of the genders make [parenting](people-family.md) and [leadership](groups-small.md) easier to [specialize](jobs-specialization.md) with. This doesn't always happen, though, and people regularly violate their [moral standards](morality.md) and the relationship itself by having trysts with others.