# Small social rules These are some things to watch for when trying to honor others' cultures. Avoid overstepping on small things that may make people uncomfortable: - Speak about others as if they are *always* in the room with you. - Avoid flirting or making lewd remarks. - Liberally use kind words: - "Please, thank you, you're welcome" - "I'm sorry, my apologies, excuse me" - Avoid the word "but", since people don't hear anything said before it. - Thank people more than once for a quality experience: first when finished with it, and again the next day in a thank-you note. - Avoid offensive remarks, insults, or slang. - Don't criticize, condemn, or complain. - Take extra time before you speak and be quick to apologize. - Honor [cultural norms](people-culture.md), particularly with timing, when to speak, and where to position yourself. - Listen to music quietly to not disrupt anyone else. - If you're a male and not in a men's restroom, leave the toilet seat down when you're finished. - Return shopping carts to their designated areas. - Respond promptly to communications, especially when the other person may have hurt feelings from a delay. - When you'll be around others, make lunch choices that don't emit odors, *especially* if you're reheating it. - Keep your environment [organized](organization.md) enough to not distract others. - Clean up [messes](home-housekeeping.md) you make in common areas. - Notify others when supplies run low. - Use others' time and resources respectfully. - Quickly inform people of anything that may be important to them. - Graciously accept compliments and sympathy instead of self-invalidating (which implies they're wrong). - When accepting correction, say "you're right" instead of "I know". - Avoid providing information to someone that may hurt a third person or their reputation. - While your instinct may be to share in criticizing someone else, it will needlessly hurt their reputation. Avoid obscene gestures: - Holding up a middle finger is a nearly universal obscene gesture. - Most obscene gestures either involve pointing at an object or using body language that implies lewd actions. - Pointing can range from using a thumb to an index finger to the entire hand. - Showing the bottom of your foot is considered rude in many countries. - Using your left hand for anything that isn't the bathroom can be considered offensive. - Some cultures regard someone's head as sacred enough that it's taboo to touch or pass anything over it. Avoid body language tics that may annoy others: - Singing or humming to self - Loudly coughing, sneezing, sighing, yawning, or not covering your mouth with any of them - Cracking knuckles or any other joints - Talking while yawning - Fidgeting or shifting weight, shaking a body part, tapping feet or fingers - Making faces by: - Puffing up your cheeks - Sticking out your tongue - Pouting - Biting your lips - Keeping your mouth too open or closed - Rubbing your hands or face - Stomach rumbling (push the stomach as far out as possible to stop it) - An inappropriate erection (flex a muscle for 60 seconds to stop it) Avoid body language cues that imply rejection: - Crossed arms or legs - Facing or leaning away from the person - Turning your back to the person - Reading, using a mobile device, or performing a task while talking - Any gestures that imply you disagree with someone Avoid looking uninterested: - Implying that you would rather not talk at that moment - Not maintaining eye contact, avoiding direct eye contact, or looking around the room - Rolling eyes, lifting eyebrows, or smirking - Staring without a change of expression - Falling asleep while the other person is speaking - Not focusing on the speaker's words or ideas - Saying or asking generic responses - Pretending to understand, then asking for clarification on what they had just stated - Looking tense, distracted, or upset Don't let yourself get distracted: - Discussing something that seems unrelated to the subject - Shifting the conversation off the speaker without their implied permission Don't cross physical boundaries or give too much space: - Sometimes your body language will communicate arrogance or that you're invading their personal space - Standing so close that you spit on them when speaking - Looking over someone's shoulder as they are working, reading, or using a mobile device - Standing far away as if you're trying to avoid closeness - Openly removing something from someone else's clothing or body - Remove the item subtly to prevent their feeling you're invading their privacy Don't invalidate others or their views: - Giving unsolicited advice or instructions - Ask for their permission first if you must give advice, then be brief - Saying "I know" instead of "you're right" - Insulting people for physical ailments - Speaking or laughing while others are talking - Saying "you're wrong" or any variation of it - Comparing your achievements to others' - Complimenting, but including a request Apologize correctly when you fail: - Apologize quickly, as soon as you know you've hurt someone. - Be very specific about what you did wrong. - Sincerely express remorse without excuses. Don't disrespect who you're talking to: - Interrupting them before they feel they've stated their point - Speaking more often than they are - Doing anything that can create awkwardness, embarrassment, or shame - Leaning on someone - Excessively flattering someone or flirting - Connecting with professional contacts on a personal social network Don't disrespect others around you: - Not respecting others with your voice, conduct, or words - Not making room for the newest addition to a group - Shaking a table someone else is using - Expressing a desire to harm or injure others, or showing pleasure in others' misfortune - Speaking lightly about more profound social, religious, philosophical, or cultural matters - Making fun of anyone else, their situations, or anything relevant to others' personal lives - Calling people names, using hurtful words, or swearing - Asking for more information about others who aren't in the conversation - Throwing trash on the ground - Laughing too loudly or too much at comedy or at inappropriate times (exhale as much air as possible to suppress laughter) - Believing or delivering news with a strong bias, no discretion, or without proof - Sharing rumors and indicating who said what to whom - Sitting down when others have to stand up, especially older or more respected people - Not holding the door for others - Staring at anyone for more than a few seconds, especially when they have a unique physical feature - Depending on the culture, making small talk with a stranger or *not* striking up a conversation - Some cultures expect you to wait in a line, but others don't - If there *is* a line, don't cut into it or save spots Don't respond too briefly or too broadly: - Saying things more bluntly than the situation calls for or that people are comfortable with - Giving an indirect answer to a direct question - Giving long-winded or complicated responses that break the natural flow of conversation - Speaking to a superior without being asked a question or providing too many details in their presence - Confusing the listener by talking in a roundabout way Don't wrongly interpret others' behaviors: - Overreaching by attaching meanings far beyond what the speaker intended - Underreaching by missing their intended idea because it doesn't agree with your views - Passing judgment without having what the speaker sees as all the relevant information - Continuing to walk when others stop walking - Not honoring the time and place for fun, business, or work Don't draw public attention to yourself: - Walking too fast, running, or walking too slowly - Tiptoeing or dancing while walking, even in cultures that find dancing acceptable - Speaking loudly or doing things that others find loud - Getting drunk - Showing outrage or anger - Taking any clothes off or *not* taking clothes off when everyone else has - Wearing casual clothing or clothing that exposes too much skin - Wearing torn or dirty clothing - Depending on the culture, wearing covered clothing on a hot day - Some cultures expect routine public hugging and kissing, while others only consider physical touch appropriate with sex - For some cultures, chewing gum in public Mind your physical position compared to your social position: - It's sometimes offensive to sit while someone else is standing. - Depending on the culture, having your head higher than a leader's - In some cultures, poor people shouldn't be physically close to wealthy people Don't smile inappropriately: - In some cultures (like Russia), smiling without an apparent reason - In some cultures (like Japan), laughing with teeth showing Watch where you keep your hands: - Don't put your hands near your privates - Stretching or yawning expressively is sometimes considered rude - Don't scratch yourself, or make it subtle if you do - Putting your hands in your pockets might be rude Honor gender differences: - Men sometimes shouldn't shake hands with women - Men often shouldn't discuss female-only topics, such as their [hygiene](people-2_image.md) practices or children (if he wants to know, he can ask if she has any children) - Men should usually hold the door for women and walk closer to the street Respect professionals' specializations: - Don't give professional advice unless you work in that field. - Unless you're a doctor, diagnosing someone's ailment is rude. - If you know trade-specific words, only use them if you're 100% sure what they fully mean. Honor higher-ranking and higher-status people: - Always treat people with legitimate authority (e.g., police, judge) as higher-rank. - Very high-ranking people usually require a specific formal greeting. - Clear the path for anyone of a higher status, especially in small passageways. - The most prominent in status should often walk a little ahead of the others, either in the middle, on the right side, or closest to the wall. - Never stare at anyone of a higher rank. - Disagree politely and humbly with someone of a higher rank. - Never steer the conversation with a superior. - Don't talk to an educated person about inane or useless things. - Younger people are sometimes not allowed to act casually around their elders. - If you're among peers or elders, you probably won't be honored first, and seeking honor is usually rude. - Lower-status people often shouldn't accept the hospitality of a higher-status person, and the higher status person shouldn't insist if they refuse. Consider everyone else's punctuality: - Some nations' schedules (including public services) never run on time, but others expect everyone to arrive early. Honor financial rituals: - Each nation has its own process and order of buying and selling: - Some countries only accept their local currency, while others prefer bank cards. - Depending on the culture, they prefer that you will bargain or haggle or that you should take their offered price. Honor gift-giving rules: - Giving: - Many countries expect you to bring a gift if you visit their home. - Some items are considered unlucky or used for an unpleasant purpose (like for funerals). - Since they may see it as a bribe, avoid giving an expensive gift. - Some gifts imply a far more romantic gesture than you may intend, such as flowers or candy. - Receiving: - It's usually rude to reject a gift or offer for something, even if you don't want it. - Some cultures see immediately accepting a gift as greedy, and they'll expect you to decline an offer for food or a gift several times before you accept. - Sometimes you should open a gift immediately, but sometimes later. - Sometimes people expect you to receive gifts with both hands. - Some cultures view business cards as gifts, while others see them as casually sharing information. Avoid dining taboos: - Pay close attention to everyone else, from the plate they eat to the utensils they use. - Don't do something else while eating - Writing or using a mobile device - Spitting, coughing, or blowing your nose - Making noises like burping or slurping while dining - Don't put elbows on the table or hands under the table - As a general rule, rest only your hands on top of the table - Incorrect drinking - Drinking too slowly or quickly - Not wiping your lips before and after drinking - Looking around while drinking - Incorrect eating - Not taking food you touched - Digging through food to find something in particular - Blowing on food to cool it down - Eating too fast or slow - Taking bites before swallowing a previous bite - Biting off pieces you can't chew with your mouth closed - Chewing with your mouth open or speaking with anything in your mouth - Dumping sauce over the food instead of using it as you eat each bite - Spitting out food or throwing it under the table - Eating the last piece when the host didn't offer it to you - Not wiping your face when you've finished eating - Using a sleeve or arm to wipe your face instead of a napkin - Not excusing yourself from the table when you get up - As a general rule, the head of a household should eat slowest for others to enjoy eating Watch for culture-specific dining taboos: - Some countries reserve a special place at the table for each person, while others don't care. - One end of the table is usually the "head" and reserved for either the host or the guest. - Sometimes the guest should be the first to start eating. - Some cultures consider it rude to be silent while dining. - Specific ways to eat certain foods are taboo (e.g., cutting noodles or salad leaves, pulling celery fibers off). - While some cultures consider using hands as uncivilized, others see a fork and knife as arrogant. - Many cultures with finger foods frequently use a napkin as they eat. - Eating utensils usually have appropriate methods for holding. - The host may serve food on a communal plate and in a communal cup, or might provide designated plates and cups for each person. - Some cultures only use a fork to transfer food from the communal to the individual plate. - If the culture has individual plates, don't double-dip a food item in a communal bowl. - It may be inappropriate to lick the knife or use it again without cleaning it. - Don't point with chopsticks or stab food with them. - Rubbing chopsticks together is sometimes considered bad luck. - Sometimes, finishing your food implies you didn't get enough, but other times *not* finishing your food suggests you didn't like it. - Most cultures limit conversation topics to [small talk](language-speaking.md). - During a toast, it might be taboo about how high you raise your glass compared to everyone else or through hitting glasses with others. - Sometimes the oldest male is the first to eat, or the meal might end when the host stands up. - Asking for seasoning or adding it to food might be an egregious insult to the cook. - Adding anything to some alcoholic drinks may be considered offensive. Honor restaurant traditions: - If someone offers to pay for a meal but doesn't clarify the price range, ask their recommendation. - The kindness of food service workers are more a formality than genuine hospitality. - Ordering the chef's favorite dish might be a good idea, but mind the ingredients in it. - Since the workers want to leave and go home, don't visit a restaurant 15 minutes before they close. - Pay the bill at a restaurant can be complicated: - If offering the bill is considered rude, the restaurant will wait for you to ask for it. - Some cultures believe the one who invited the other person should pay the entire bill. - Some cultures find splitting a bill inappropriate. Tipping is a bizarre, complicated ritual: - Most parts of the world like tipping, but some countries don't do it, and a few may even be offended. - If the server is flirting with you, they usually want a tip. - Since the server's job is customer service, don't tip based on how long the food took to come. - If you must express sincere offense at the restaurant, tip one penny to indicate you didn't forget. - Most services, such as handling luggage, checking into a hotel, ordering pizza, or ordering takeout, might expect a tip. - Mechanics, delivery workers, custodians, and cleaning services may expect tips. - If you stand listening to someone playing music on the street, you owe them a dollar for a tip. Honor bathroom etiquette: - Learn which facilities you're supposed to use. - Some basins are for ritual handwashing, *not* peeing. - Observe gender constraints: - Don't go to the opposite gender room. - While family or unisex bathrooms are often for parents with babies, they're acceptable in an emergency. - Don't bring food or drink in with you. - If you're leaving a drink at your table, put a drink coaster on top of it. - Respect others in the bathroom: - Make way for anyone with an emergency. - Men shouldn't make eye contact with others in the bathroom. - Men should leave as much space as possible when using a urinal. - Men shouldn't take phone calls while in the bathroom. - Women should greet other women at the sink. - Always close and latch the door. - Avoid making noises in a bathroom stall: - Lift yourself up off the toilet a little bit to make less noise. - Put toilet paper in the toilet to prevent loud splashing. - Clean up after yourself: - Flush after you're finished. - Don't wipe makeup on the towels. - Don't leave wet towels on the floor. - Don't leave an empty toilet paper roll. - Men shouldn't leave the seat up if both genders use that toilet. - Always wash your hands when leaving. - Don't waste time in the bathroom. Honor the culture of others' homes: - Some cultures expect you to visit their home, but others find it offensive. - A few cultures expect you to invite yourself to *their* home. - While it's offensive in some countries to be late, showing up on time is offensive in others. - If you must be late and shouldn't be, only bring in coffee or food if you have enough for everyone. - People will politely express annoyance at your lateness if they tease you about it. - Some people treat their home like you live there and can serve yourself, but others believe a host must stay perpetually involved in serving their guests. - Some cultures show off their bedrooms, but others prefer that guests never leave the common area. - Touching things in other people's homes might be off-limits. - Most cultures see bringing along uninvited friends as impolite. - Don't show excessive gratitude if the host feeds you routinely. - Some cultures expect you to take your shoes off when entering, but others prefer you keep them on. - Some cultures expect you to share the alcohol you brought with everyone else, but others consider it taboo. Observe religious customs: - Though you may not have to practice their customs, some things, like slang or not respecting elders, are highly offensive. - Images of Hindu gods are considered sacred. - Pork, smoking, and alcohol are taboo in Muslim countries. Some numbers are considered bad luck: - 13 is unlucky in the USA. - 4 is unlucky in China. - An even number is unlucky in Russia. If you're invited to a wedding you can't afford: - Getting invited to a wedding may incur some significant expenses: - Gifts from their registry - Valet parking - Drinks, if the wedding has [alcohol](fun-alcohol.md) - If it's a formal wedding, a formal outfit - If you're part of the wedding party, a matching outfit - You can still miss a wedding and be friends with the bride and groom. - Be honest with them if you can't afford to go. - Let them know as soon as possible. - Don't blame their [wedding choices](relationships-weddings.md) or imply you're a victim. - Offer something else, like helping to plan or offering dinner after the honeymoon. There are many customs specific to each culture: - Small tasks might not be allowed, from taking photographs to the number of items you give, and some of them are even against the law. - Sitting in the front or back of a taxi varies by region. - While driving, honking your horn in many places is considered inappropriate unless it's an emergency. - Sometimes talking and yelling during a movie is considered appropriate, and other times it's offensive. - Sitting in a chair at a group event can be rude if someone else claimed it, even if you weren't aware. ## Further reading [Things you're allowed to do](https://milan.cvitkovic.net/writing/things_youre_allowed_to_do/)