# How to be ethically influential

Influence is the general art of manipulation, and iis easy enough if you know what to do:

- Assert control over others' thoughts.
- Dominate others while making them think they're thinking the thoughts you're feeding them.
- Discourage them from thoughts you don't want.

However, this is *not* the right way to live, and is *highly* [unethical](morality.md).

Therefore, the following is how to behave in a way that still respects their [boundaries](people-boundaries.md).

## Strive for high emotional intelligence

The 3 types of intelligence are IQ, RQ, and EQ:

- IQ is the Intelligence Quotient, which is raw thinking speed.
- RQ is Reality Quotient, which is the ability to link what we [understand](understanding.md) to [reality](reality.md).
- EQ is Emotional Quotient, which balances the rational and emotional sides of the mind.

EQ is, by far, the strongest determination of [success](success-1_why.md):

- EQ helps us understand body language, read others, and visualize how others feel.
- EQ starts with [awareness](awareness.md) of feelings but uses the best way to respond to them with empathy, self-confidence, self-control, and social skills.
- EQ won't make awkward situations easy but will make them simple.
- The beauty of EQ is that it's *much* easier to build than IQ.
- One side effect of EQ is that people know how to self-discipline and self-regulate as well.

Low-EQ people are often oblivious to how they come across:

- While facts and information don't interest people, feelings, and passions do.
- Low EQ causes consistent [conflicts](people-5_conflicts.md) with others:
  - Inappropriate reactions to feelings in oneself and others.
  - Seeking blame instead of understanding events.
  - Consistent impatience and frustration with others and their behaviors.
  - Inability to understand unspoken rules or a group dynamic.
- People with low EQ tend to share vague concepts inconsistent with what they're trying to say:
  - "X Group is..." instead of "That person made me feel..."
  - "Why do people...?" instead of "My friend did..."
  - "I think most people want..." instead of "I want..."
- A low EQ also causes unintended bigotry through prejudiced misstatements that encode in [memory](mind-memory.md).

Unlike IQ, people can train EQ through learning certain awareness skills:

- Maintain constant [awareness](awareness.md) of feelings in yourself and others.
- Understand what you'll likely feel tomorrow.
- Understand how you and others would feel from imagined events.
- Grasp the numerous [words](language.md) that describe typical [feelings](mind-feelings.md).
- Observes others' feelings and openly ask [if they're okay](https://www.ruok.org.au/).
- Understands personal limits on endurance, patience, and time management.
- Assumes the best possible interpretation of others' statements.

People with high EQ manage life better:

- They appropriately express their feelings in face, voice, and body language, as well as reading others' feelings well.
- They can exercise self-control, delay gratification, have more patience with uncertainty, and tolerate [conflict](people-5_conflicts.md) well.
- Focused inward, they can stop an unhealthy train of thought.
- They have an easier time [making realistic goals](success-3_goals.md) and focusing.
- When observing, they understand why the feelings arise in themselves and others.

Most influential people, both evil and good, have *very* high EQ:

- Because they have an expanded awareness of themselves, they have an easy time with vulnerability, even when nobody else is.
- They inform or command when someone needs to know what to do or think.
- High-EQ people confront strong beliefs they know are wrong.
- They express thoughts or feelings other people had but didn't know how to share.
- They let others reflect, discover, or learn themselves.
- Most of them focus others' confidence on strengths, qualities, and achievements.

EQ isn't a personality/disposition or "being nice":

- EQ measures what you're capable of doing with others, while [personality](personality.md) is what you'd *prefer* to do.
- EQ isn't kindness and is more about understanding the *time and place* for kindness.
- People with EQ always respect others and recognize their feelings, even when they don't agree with them or identify what they see as [reality](reality.md).
- EQ only comes through authenticity and awareness.

People often have the intuition, even if they don't have the understanding, to detect others' authenticity.

- Authentic [communication](language-speaking.md) completely aligns both verbal and nonverbal expressions.
- Learn to identify and communicate the ideas that are *your* voice more than anyone else's.
- Your authentic self-talk will come through various places:
  - Your fears and what drives them
  - Abnormally good feelings from others' approval
  - Comfort in decisions that don't require "permission" from others
- Authentic expression is giving lots of grace and respect to both yourself *and* others.
- Express legitimate excitement when you approach them.
- Pay close attention to others' moods as [topics flow](language-speaking.md) in a conversation.

High-EQ people can master social interactions:

- At a glance, a high-EQ person can read exactly how someone is feeling and why.
- They can spot the most influential person in a room within seconds of walking into it.
- Someone can slowly navigate across a room toward the person they want to meet while tactfully dismissing everyone else where they feel valued.
- Their inner emotional strength will make them so confident that they inspire confidence in others, but they're also willing to change from others' actions.
- They'll sidestep avoidable arguments but won't be afraid of [conflicts](people-5_conflicts.md), especially pertaining to [philosophy](philosophy.md), [religion](religion.md), or [politics](groups-large.md).

## People with high EQ are naturally charming

Charm is how much you can please people.

At their core, *everyone* wants to be important:

- An important person is valued by others, though not necessarily liked.
- A person who feels relevant is more likely to connect with the people who made them feel it.
- Charming people will usually respond and change in response to others, as well as do whatever makes people feel valued.
- They *always* give credit to others for their accomplishments and ignore their own, often praising that person to their authority figures (e.g., parents, bosses).
- When in meetings, they honor the speaker even when the meeting is a waste of time.

While there are many relative aspects to charm from [culture](people-culture.md), there are a few universals:

- People are interested in hearing what they're saying.
- People want to see more of that person's life.
- Even when they disagree, they find that person entertaining or interesting.
- They're frequently excellent communicators in [writing](language-writing.md) or [speech](language-speaking.md) who exude at least some [optimism](mind-feelings-happiness.md).
- They're almost always confident from past [successes](success-1_why.md) they've [identified](identity.md) with.

Charming people are often more trusting than most:

- Trust is consistent openness over time.
- While you don't need to *always* trust, you must always *look* trusting and believe people are capable of behaving responsibly.
- The Benjamin Franklin Effect: ask others to do small favors for you to build rapport with them.
- Presume well of other people when you don't know.
- Assume that constructive criticism is always well-intended.
- Give to others, but don't track what you've given.
- When you receive gifts, don't criticize or expect ulterior motives.
- Greet the "unimportant" people who society generally seems to ignore.