# How influence works

Influence is a [conversational](people-conversation.md) form of [power](power.md) driven by our [human relationship](people-friends.md) with the speaker and their [choice](people-decisions.md) of [language](language.md), though it can also represent itself strictly on [ideas](values.md) alone if the [language](language.md) has captured them.

An influencer is controlling a [story](stories.md), typically to advance an [idea](values.md) or change someone's [reputation](image.md), with implications of [power dynamics](power-types.md) defining who maintains more influence.

When we are persuaded toward something, the influencer has effectively conveyed a [feeling](mind-feelings.md) that makes us more [willing](people-decisions.md) to [trust](trust.md) and [consider](understanding.md) the [ideas](values.md) toward the influencer's [purpose](purpose.md).

## Purpose

Influence is trying to change the [story](stories.md) someone already has about something. Over time, this influence becomes our [reputation](image.md).

Every influential action someone takes has a [purpose](purpose.md) behind it:

- We wish to improve our [sense of self](identity.md) by [converting](people-changes.md) others to our [ideas](values.md).
- We may be [fearful](mind-feelings-fear.md) of [consequences](results.md) if we *don't* [convert](people-changes.md) others to an idea (e.g., many [religious](religion.md) conversions).
- Many times, people simply want more [power](power.md).
- We will sometimes do it out of [love](people-love.md) for others.

We're not always aware of these motivators. From our early childhood, we've been trying to influence others (starting with our caretakers), and often [obliviously](awareness.md) influence others [habitually](habits.md).

The most significant [purpose](purpose.md) we ever have with others is to be important. Importance is others giving [value](purpose.md) to us, so this importance can take the form of just about anything. However, its motivation (at least at first before it becomes a [habitual](habits.md) desire) is the neglected [wish](purpose.md) to be [loved](people-love.md).

APPLICATION: Most people don't naturally make others feel relevant, so everyone is incessantly starved for attention from others. It's why the Ben Franklin Effect works (requesting others to perform many tiny, small favors to build a reputation with them).

APPLICATION: We're *all* naturally sensitive to rejection, so we must be careful to not reject people without a [purpose](purpose.md) behind it, even when we face [conflicts](people-conflicts.md) with others.

Our desire to matter to others provokes us to convey the things that gain the most [favor](power.md) from others, which are frequently our most pleasant [qualities](values-quality.md) in the long term. Everything, from art to storefronts, has a disgusting side shrouded from public view that contrasts to a comparatively attractive [external](image.md). Most people typically [feel](mind-feelings.md) like they're impostors because they don't realize *everyone else* is doing the same thing.

APPLICATION: We shouldn't worry too much about what other people look like for comparison with ourselves. If you either look closely at how other people *really* see you or examine how their lives *really* are, you'll find most people aren't that different from you, and probably far less put-together than they [appear](image.md).

APPLICATION: Nerds and geeks don't really care much about [image](image.md), mostly because they don't know how to wield it. However, they're often less influential merely from not learning a few tricks.

Even unpleasant actions like whining and complaining can be a form of influence. However, its purpose is to elicit [pity](mind-feelings-sadness.md) from others about an unattainable [purpose](purpose.md), *not* to gain power by implying we have power already. It's the easiest thing to do (i.e., feel sorry for yourself), so most people don't respect it, and it sabotages other forms of power in the process.

APPLICATION: A group built around complaining is as influential as a group built around succeeding. The only difference is the [purpose](purpose.md) the influence is directing toward.

## The form of influence

Broadly, every influential thing has 5 components:

1. Simple enough to evoke base [feelings](mind-feelings.md), which will hit a [human universal](humanity-universals.md).
2. [Unexpected](imagination.md), which varies by intellect, [creativity](mind-creativity.md), and [experience](understanding.md).
3. Practical, which solidifies in something that [appears real](results.md).
4. Sentimental, which tend to push feelings into the realms of [humor](humor.md), [love](people-love.md), or [fear](mind-feelings-fear.md).
5. Composed as a [story](stories.md).

### The messenger

People pay *close* attention to the messenger when hearing a message.

Influential people use their [image](image.md) to draw from others' [imagination](imagination.md) about [reality](reality.md), so they have a vast toolbox to draw from:

- The various [feelings](mind-feelings.md) we can evoke with our [choice](people-decisions.md) of words.
- Provoking recollection of others' past [favor](image.md) toward us or [affiliations](groups-member.md) with us as we speak.
- Even repulsion or rejection can be used for influence in the right hands (e.g., [bad press](stories-storytellers.md), reverse psychology).

That messenger must appear to have authority on what they're talking about.

- The authority usually comes through bold [confidence](understanding-certainty.md) or an [appearance](image.md) of [prior success](success-1_why.md), but can also come through choice of clothing.
- Their authority should appear to be [effortless](purpose.md) to them.
- Even if it's not authority in competence, they can still demonstrate [moral](morality.md) authority (e.g., [clergy](religion.md)).
- Staying quiet, taking time to go through things, or appearing unaffected by others' behavior or status can imply a *lot* of authority (i.e., "meekness").
- However, if that authority is too strong, it may [terrify](mind-feelings-fear.md) people (especially if *their* [power](power.md) is threatened).

The message and messenger should associate with something the audience finds [advantageous](purpose.md) to them:

- Good things, such as lunch, good news, [happiness](mind-feelings-happiness.md), relaxation, or [sex appeal](gender.md).
- [Scandalous](people-rules.md) or [specialized](jobs-specialization.md) information, like [gossip](stories-storytellers.md) or special secrets/tricks.
- While appealing to their [mercy or gratitude](morality.md) may work, they're more frequently affected by [self-interest](purpose.md).
- Sometimes (and especially if the messenger is [unscrupulous](morality-evil.md)), the messenger may possess incriminating information or circumstances that may harm the audience if the messenger did something with it.
- Often, uses a personal message with the pronoun "we" instead of "I".

They should share something in common with the audience, but only if the audience may *want* to be like the messenger:

- If the listener is disposed to [believe](understanding-certainty.md) the message already, the messenger will [feel](mind-feelings.md) more honest.
- A similar [cultural](people-culture.md) association to the audience in [attributes](habits.md), [preference](humanity.md), or [social group](groups-member.md).
- Sharing some key detail with the person, such as last name, appearance, or social connections.
- Reflecting the recipient's behaviors and mannerisms.
- Appearing to be less [intelligent](understanding.md) or [educated](education.md) than the audience, even when they're *very* [capable](purpose.md).
- Even with nothing else, a messenger can frequently create a bond by giving something to the audience without asking for anything in return.

APPLICATION: By giving more to people, they're more likely to want to give back. This wins favors, but is a byproduct of being a [loving](people-love.md) person if we do it [habitually](habits.md) without thinking of what we want in response.

The messenger must be charming:

- Consistently draw attention to themselves and associate with [trends](trends.md) to *constantly* surround themselves with others (and may even become a trend [value](values.md) of their own if others [believe](understanding-certainty.md) in them).
- Physically attractive, or at least decent-looking and [well-kept](people-2_image.md).
- Gives [affirmations](people-3_boundaries.md) to the audience to make them feel important, even when those affirmations are complete [lies](people-lying.md).
- Keeps a [mystery](unknown.md) around them by omitting or hiding information, making themselves relatively scarce by comparison to others, and evoking a small amount of [fear](mind-feelings-fear.md).
- When confronted about wrongdoing or failings, [changes](people-changes.md) (or at least [appears to](image-distortion.md)) enough to imply a [trend](trends.md) but not enough to generate [unease](morality-taboo.md), and is never seen *[doing](results.md)* anything [questionable](people-rules.md).

### The story

Skillful influence requires careful [language](language.md) placement to emphasize or sidestep specific words and sensations. The entire experience will feel like an elaborate [story](stories.md) to the listener. While the approach and [purposes](purpose.md) are different, it's the same mechanism for magicians, thieves, and [advertisers](marketing.md).

That story will reach into the audience's existing [habits](habits.md):

- "Signaling" by referencing familiar things to the audience.
- Getting people to say "yes" or agree multiple times.
- Asking for people to keep behaving the way they were, but tiny variances of acting in small ways against how they [identify](identity.md), such as changing clothing or shifting routines.

Typically, the story will allude to a [mystery](unknown.md) the audience already wanted to know before the speaker expressed anything about it.

The [story](stories.md) must give a clear [purpose](purpose.md) at the end:

- In effect, the audience must feel that the [changes](people-changes.md) required for that purpose are worth it.
- The purpose must resonate with a clear, easily [understood](understanding.md) [value](values.md) with a [logical](logic.md) [consequence](results.md) of the audience's [decision](people-decisions.md).
- That value must aspire to an element of [virtue](morality.md). Even to people who only care about [image](image.md) or [power](power.md), they still want to *[feel](mind-feelings.md)* or look as if they were virtuous!
- Have the audience physically interact or experience the item to [feel](mind-feelings.md) its impact.
- If the story is tied to the messenger *at all*, the messenger will express their current (or potentially [future](imagination.md)) state as the end of their story.

APPLICATION: Even when you're asking for donations, if you request something from someone make sure they know *why* they're doing it and how it benefits *them*.

APPLICATION: An influential message must be large enough to convey [meaning](meaning.md), but small enough to feel [doable](purpose.md).

## The context of the delivery

The setting also has a massive effect on the story:

- Audiences are more likely to receive information in a casual setting (e.g., coffee shop) than a formal setting (e.g., business boardroom).
- They tend to be more open-minded in the evening after they've exhausted their mind all day.
- We're more likely to receive new ideas either when eating/drinking or just coming from eating/drinking.

## Persuading people

Persuasion is the long-term effort of influence, and expresses the same regardless of [speaking](language-speaking.md), [conflicts](people-conflicts.md), or [relationships](people-friends.md):

1. Demonstrate why a belief may be worth investigating.
   - [Prove](logic.md) the person is missing out on a growing [trend](trends.md). That way, people [feel](mind-feelings.md) like others will like them, and they'll be important within a [group](groups-member.md).
2. Communicate [uncertainty](unknown.md) about what they currently know.
   - Deepen the intricacies of the belief by adding [understanding](understanding.md) of multiple [perspectives](image.md), with refutations for each one of them.
   - It may simply come through asking many "why?" questions to test what that person [understands](understanding.md).
3. Give a clue into the correct answer, but do *not* answer it all the way for the audience (which makes them find [meaning](meaning.md) in [learning](education.md) it themselves).
4. [Show](image.md) the person there's a [good](morality.md) reason to change from whatever they had already [purposed](purpose.md) or [believed](values.md).
   - They need additional information to verify that their [values calculus](people-decisions.md) matches the impression of the trend.
   - This is usually through demonstrating a consequence of living according to that [value](values.md).
5. If it's possible to revisit the discussion over time, continue indirectly dropping hints through further [stories](stories.md) that reinforce the previous [ideas](values.md). This gives [certainty](understanding-certainty.md) over time, which slowly converts to [trust](trust.md).
6. With enough perseverance and no contradicting outside influence, *anyone* can convince anyone of anything if they don't already have a deep [conviction](understanding-certainty.md) against it.

APPLICATION: Since every influencer is advancing a [story](stories.md), it's critical to understand the character roles being expressed in that person's story. With expert skill influencing across other [domains](power-types.md) the influencer doesn't have, a few well-placed words can often swap roles out.

## Influencing vs. following

The ability to guide [thoughts](logic.md) and [feelings](mind-feelings.md) gives *much* more [power](power.md) than merely guiding [actions](results.md), which is why people who pursue [leadership roles](groups-small.md) give plenty of [value](purpose.md) to influence.

We call influential people "leaders", but we *all* constantly swap from leading to following, moment by moment:

1. When a person speaks, they "lead" with their idea. Every listener "follows", proportional to their open-mindedness.
2. When that person finishes speaking, they typically "follow" back by [listening](people-4_friends.md) to the other person's response.
3. At any point, any follower can "challenge" that leadership by interrupting or correcting that person.
4. While an uneven distribution of [power](power.md) has one of the people leading more (such as in [parenting](people-family.md) or [group leadership](groups-small.md)), a general [friendship](people-friends.md) among peers will each share about 50% of the power.

We don't often see it, but the [image](image.md) we're trying to convey as we're influencing often becomes our [self-image/identity](identity.md). While trying to win people over, we tend to win *ourselves* over as well. Associating with strong people will make us stronger, having [entrepreneur](socialrisk.md) friends will make us more risk-resistant, and [successful living](success-1_why.md) requires successful associates.

Often, people who can manage their [fear](mind-feelings-fear.md) discover [opportunities](purpose.md) hiding behind a crisis:

- A [relationship conflict](relationships-marriage.md) becomes a chance to answer [questions](understanding.md).
- A bad [trend](trends.md) like an [economic](economics.md) crisis or health scare is a perfect time to [invest](money-investing.md).

These people frequently become [leaders](groups-large.md) and heroes, depending on the circumstances. If they ever fall from that position (i.e., their [humanity](humanity.md) is expressed for what it really is), we tend to never forgive them.

## Abuse of the power

At its farthest, a *highly* influential and [immoral](morality.md) person can "gaslight" other people, which effectively allows complete [power](power.md) over that person:

1. Intentionally [distort](image-distortion.md) the [truth](reality.md)
2. Provoke that person to [trust them implicitly](trust.md)
3. Drive them to [distrust](unknown.md) their [perception](image.md)

[Cults](culture-cults.md) are effectively gaslighting entire groups of people.

Most [bad systems](mgmt-badsystems.md) are simply the [logical](logic.md) consequence of exploiting how people are influenced, mixed with anyone with a [scrupulous](morality.md) enough [personality](personality.md) in a position of [power](power.md) to [confront](people-conflicts.md) them.

Often, people will naturally avoid giving freely to others for the purpose of garnering more positive connection (as counter-[intuitive](mind-feelings.md) as it sounds).

Quite a few tricks can be abused to dishonestly gain others' favor:

- [Make an appearance](image-distortion.md) of performing more [kindness](morality.md) or possessing more [competence](purpose.md) than they really do, frequently with elegant [story-telling](stories-storytellers.md).
- Request others share intimate personal information (their birthday, favorite hobbies) or assist with small tasks to imply a [friendship](people-friends.md).
- Give small things with an implicit [meaning](meaning.md) to imply that person is important.
- Declare a vague attribute about others (e.g., a strong-willed person), which provokes [bias](mind-bias.md) that confirms what they were alluding to.

Further, people are more susceptible to influence when they're rushed, overwhelmed, distracted, [indifferent](purpose.md), [stressed](mind-feelings-happiness-stress.md), or [distrustful](understanding-certainty.md).

When provoking people to give resources, our bias constructs a specific procedure that's so straightforward that most not-for-profit organizations are [bad systems](mgmt-badsystems.md) by abusing our systems of guilt and shame:

1. Win their favor enough that they'll hear out the request.
2. Give something at first without asking anything in return.
3. Ask in a vague sense if they're a "[good](morality.md)" person and willing to help someone in need.
4. A short time later, approach them again and ask for a trivial request they'd likely do already (e.g., be a safe driver).
5. Ask a significant amount, then ask for something much smaller when they decline.
6. Work upward to larger increments as they become [habituated](habits.md) to consistently giving.
7. Ask them to ask others as well.

APPLICATION: Watch for easy ways people influence you without noticing, especially for [selling things](marketing.md):

- Behave with small idiosyncrasies like the people they're [speaking with](people-conversation.md).
- Providing affirming, unsolicited compliments.
- To get someone to buy something, have them write down a number that's much larger than the product's asking price.
- To get someone to choose an ethnic product, expose them to background music of that ethnicity before letting them decide.
- To get someone to try something [new](socialrisk.md), first ask them if they consider themselves adventurous.
- To get someone to select a [popular](trends.md) item, show them a scary movie.
- To get people to find things popular, call them popular beforehand.
- To gain favor with someone, hand them a hot drink first.
- Place a limited number of purchases per customer to see them purchase more.
- To get people to be more helpful, have them observe photos of people standing close together first.
- To get people more achievement-oriented, show them an image of a runner winning a race first.
- To make people make more careful [decisions](people-decisions.md), show them of someone thinking first.

Many influencers want to maintain the social connections that maintain their [power](power.md). For that reason, influential people will continue to influence *long* after the appropriate [season](trends.md) for their [power](power.md) has passed.

APPLICATION: We must be careful who we're influencing with what. We tend to [identify](identity.md) with what we're trying to influence, so it should be [good](morality.md), [true](reality.md), [beautiful](values-quality.md) things to attain [the good life](goodlife.md). Our [belief in what we share](trust.md) should have at least as much evidence proportionally to how unlikely it is.

Usually, they will apply their skills toward a perverse end, including [distorting image](image-distortion.md) and abusing the [power](power-types.md) they still wield. Often, they'll treat abuse other people when they know they can exploit their [power](power-types.md) without any adverse [consequences](results.md).

APPLICATION: If self-help and [philosophy](philosophy.md) writers were humble and open-minded enough to let people come to their own conclusions, most of their books would never go past 50 pages unless it was covering multiple topics at once.

APPLICATION: Many [self-interested](morality-evil.md) people take advantage of our tendency to be influenced. Influence is simply [power](power.md), though, and we can benefit others just as much by influencing toward [good things](morality.md).

If they're an important part of a [social group](groups-small.md), they'll likely destroy the group with their efforts. But, if that group is [large enough](groups-large.md), that group will become [dysfunctional](mgmt-badsystems.md) if they don't quickly eject that person from it.