# Warning signs of a bad date

If you see any of their quirks that *really* annoy you, they'll get *much* worse as you get to know them.

None of these signs are necessarily unsolvable, but don't intensify the relationship without [awareness](awareness.md) of how to fix or avoid them.

However, nobody is entirely "perfect" for you because everyone is somewhat broken, so your [personality](personality.md) may work well against some of them.

They're psychologically or physically abusive:

- Abusive people usually [disrespect boundaries](people-3_respect.md) without realizing it.
- If they disrespect you, it'll only get worse as you grow closer.
- Never rationalize abusive behavior.
- Physically abusive people can't control their anger once it boils over.
- Living with an abusive person is a minefield of avoiding outbursts.

Meeting your needs when they shouldn't be:

- Generally, one solitary person can only meet 80% of another's psychological needs.
- They don't have enough supporting family or friends and believe a relationship will solve their issues.
- They feel the need to help others but impose that need into the relationship.
- They're afraid of loneliness and use someone's physical presence to prevent it.
- They're bringing deep psychological issues from their childhood into the relationship and are desperately needy with unclear expectations.
- If you carry on with it, you'll become the other half of a destructive and overly codependent lifestyle.

Overly controlling:

- Controlling people have severe trust issues that inspire them to disrespect and demean others.
- You can most easily detect controlling behavior through jealousy, their demand for information that doesn't concern them, and an unwillingness to admit when they're wrong.
  - It usually takes at least a few dates to discover it.
  - At its most extreme, jealous people will envy strong family ties and completely platonic friends.
- Controlling people have crippling insecurities.
- If you find manipulative behavior attractive, imagine it for the rest of your life.
- Even when you pity their lack of self-control, you're letting them hurt you and others without consequences.
- If they sever ties with someone else without discussing it with you, they've started over-controlling your life.

Confused or distorted gender identity:

- Hypersensitive about themselves or their image.
- Over-identifies with their sexuality or expects that everyone else identifies strictly as sexual beings.
- Insecure male identities hold to rigid roles without discussion, are extremely jealous, and try to control others.
- Insecure female identities try to deceive everyone, subvert authority, and rapidly blame others.

Self-absorbed:

- Self-absorbed people care way too much about themselves to care about you.
- They're usually overly concerned about image, only talk about themselves, or assert superiority needlessly.
- Even if they have a reputable status, their relationship has no room for your needs.
- If someone is self-absorbed, they won't admit they've done something wrong, even if it hurts you.

They only want your money:

- Materialistic people will force their partners to assume [debt](money-2_debt.md) later.
- In marriage, they tend to lead families to financial ruin.
- Leave them if they're unwilling to learn [healthy financial principles](money-1_why.md).

Wants the *concept* of you more than you as a person:

- While people should desire that you [grow and improve](success-1_why.md), authentic love is valuing the person as they are *now*.
- If someone is meeting their needs through you without considering your feelings, they're being psychologically abusive.

They're perpetually miserable:

- [Working through personal issues](awareness.md) is good, but not when everyone else is having fun!
- Everyone has a baseline [happiness](mind-feelings-happiness.md) they revert to when there's no outside pressure, and you can't change that.
- While you may temporarily improve their satisfaction, they'll eventually become accustomed to you.
- The worst variation of this is someone who has become contentious about frivolous things.

Their have no personal goals or ambitions:

- They have no personal [goals or ambitions](success-3_goals.md).
- Without [goals](success-3_goals.md) and [purpose](success-2_attitude.md) people become stagnant, lazy deadbeats.
- If they quickly adapt to what you like, they haven't discovered what they like in themselves.
- Note if they've learned how to [cook](cooking.md), [clean](home-housekeeping.md), or [take care of themselves](people-2_image.md).
- Since they may *never* find purpose, don't wait for them to find it.
- At its most severe, this person is unwilling to take care of children from a previous marriage.

They're reckless with their possessions or body:

- They're reckless with their [money](money-1_why.md), resources or [self](people-2_image.md).
- Living in excess with [money](money-1_why.md) or resources, neglecting [self-maintenance](people-2_image.md), and taking unnecessary risks is disrespecting their own boundaries.
- Usually, they'll expect *you* to maintain their stability, but also won't respect your boundaries.
- Any recklessness or extreme behavior is usually a sign of addiction, which makes you a means to their substance.

They're sexually promiscuous:

- Sexually promiscuous people use the allure of sex to gain attention, love, and power.
- Sexually promiscuous women often dress provocatively and flirt openly.
- Sexually promiscuous men usually date many different women at once.
- If they've had a history of cheating, they'll likely cheat on you as well.
- Unfaithful behavior almost always follows into marriage as well.

They compromise their morals:

- If they disrespect their morals, they won't respect yours.
- They're usually [lying](people-lying.md) about many seemingly unimportant things or constantly breaking promises.
- While they can learn morality, they often have a hard time saying "no" in [conflicts](people-5_conflicts.md), which means they won't listen when *you* say it.

They mistreat others:

- Everyone treats a new relationship well, but character expresses the most through long-term relationships and positions of power.
- Note how they treat children, animals, service workers, and anyone they have power over.
- If they have children, observe how much they love them.

They're inauthentic or liars:

- Their actions, lifestyles, and past doesn't seem to align.
- While they might be fun to be around, you won't be able to trust them.
- Often, they're unaware of how they look.
- The most dangerous version of this is both highly charming and psychologically abusive.

They're an addict:

- [Addicts](addiction.md) value their substance more than anyone or anything else.
- Addictions can include [alcohol](fun-alcohol.md), pornography, prescription drugs, video games, television, feelings, [housekeeping](home-housekeeping.md), [traveling](fun-vacations.md), and [productivity](success-3_goals.md).
- That person needs significant help, but your position in a relationship will create a [conflict](people-5_conflicts.md) of interest that will typically end in them using you or you becoming an addict yourself.
- Direct them to a recovery group, then leave them if they don't change genuinely and permanently.

Has no long-term friends:

- A romantic relationship is an intimate friendship that hurts worse than a typical friendship.
- They will need someone else to vent about *you*.
- If they can't keep friends, they have a chronic psychological issue.

Poor or strange relationships with their parents:

- People usually mistreat their parents because they don't respect authority, including future marital authority.
- If they're unwilling to cut unhealthy family connections, they may be codependent.
- However, if they've distanced themselves from an unhealthy family dynamic at all, it may be a sign of personal strength.
- Deliver an ultimatum that they'll eventually have to choose you or the family, and follow through on it.

You have to keep the relationship a secret:

- If you or your partner must withhold information about the relationship from others, ask why you must hide it.
- Eventually, everyone *will* know about it if you continue it.

Your friends or family are opposed to the relationship:

- Ask why they oppose the relationship, and presume they have good intentions in it somewhere.
- You will likely lose the relationship with everyone opposed if you continue the relationship.

One of you isn't that attracted to the other:

- Relationships need mutually natural physical and emotional attraction.
- Someone not attracted to the other is abusing the relationship to meet needs.
- Alternately, someone might be attracted, but might show it in a way that makes you uncomfortable.