# Dating summarized

Most people want a life partner, but it comes with many risks:

- Since you're so close to someone else, they'll draw attention to issues [you weren't aware of](awareness.md), and you *will* be forced to change.
- If you're [unhappy](mind-feelings-happiness.md), you'll make others unhappy, no matter who they are.
  - Relationships give more *chances* at happiness, but you must use them.
- Relationships dramatically alter lifestyle [habits](habits.md) about [health](body-4_health.md), [money](money-1_why.md), [housekeeping](home-housekeeping.md), and overall [success](success-1_why.md).
- Relationships test the skills for [good boundaries](people-3_respect.md) far more than [more casual friendships](people-4_friends.md).
- To be successful at dating (and eventually [relationships](relationships-3_marriage.md)), you must have [succeeded](success-1_why.md) at other parts of life.

Your ideal mate will *always* have certain characteristics:

- They're willing to [change](people-changes.md), regardless of risks.
- They openly [communicate](language-speaking.md) their [issues](people-5_conflicts.md) and concerns with you.
- You can trust them, with proven stories of their loyalty.
- You share a natural intimacy with them ("chemistry").
- You share a similar sense of [humor](humor.md) with them.
- They encourage and support others' [successes](success-1_why.md).
- You both share at least some [hobbies](fun.md).
- You both bring out each other's best characteristics of your [personalities](personality.md).
- You both [respect](people-3_respect.md) each other's lives, decisions, and opinions.

Contrary to popular opinion, compatibility is mostly unrelated to relationship satisfaction:

- Any two people who have healthy [conflict-management skills](people-5_conflicts.md) and [the right attitudes](success-2_attitude.md) to stay honest and work hard at the relationship can live well with each other.
- Vast differences between people create more misunderstanding, but they also create more benefits:
  - More unique ways of approaching issues
  - More diverse opinions means more perceived solutions
  - Broader set of skills to pull from
- Each [personality](personality.md) is uniquely different, so you can't know simply from an internet profile or psychological assessment.

## Understand yourself compared to others

It's difficult without practice, but you can *immediately* know why you like someone if you [examine yourself](awareness.md), then compare yourself to them.

Emotional temperament:

- How do you/they see themselves?
- Are there any clear [addictions](addiction-substances.md)?
- How [happy](mind-feelings-happiness.md) are you/they about the present and future?
- How much emotional energy do you/they have?
- How likely are you/they to blame others for problems or failures?
- How much romantic passion and sensual desire do you/they naturally show?

Social style:

- How much [moral character](morality.md) do you/they have (e.g., integrity, honesty, fairness)?
- How capable are you/they for sensitivity and empathy?
- How much do you/they need to control or be in control?
- How much do you/they want to be [around other people](people-4_friends.md)?
- How much do you/they make personal time more important than intimate time?
- How quickly do you/they [compromise](people-5_conflicts.md) and adjust to circumstances?

Prevailing mentality and thinking:

- How intelligent are you/they?
- How much do you/they need details and are curious about new things?
- How is your/their sense of humor?
- How creative and artistically driven are you/they?

Lifestyle:

- How much day-to-day life do you/they expend?
- Do you/they enjoy physically challenging activities?
- How much interest and enjoyment do you/they get out of the physical act of sex?
- What is your/their attitude towards [physical health](body-4_health.md) in general?
- What is your/their desire regarding safely and securely [raising a family](parenting-babies.md)?
- How [efficient](success-4_routine.md), productive and [driven towards self-improvement](success-1_why.md) are you/they?
- How physically attractive do you/they feel?

Current relationship skills:

- How well do you/they verbalize thoughts and feelings, ask questions, and compare/contrast?
  - How interested are you/they in communicating?
  - How capable are you/they of [writing](language-writing.md) and [speaking](language-speaking.md)?
- How capable are you/they at reducing damage from anger?
- How capable are you/they in honestly and constructively expressing all emotions?
- How well can you/they control mood and feelings?
- What is your/their [conflict management style](people-5_conflicts.md)?
  - How respectful are you/they of others in conflicts?
  - How well can you/they drop a resolved issue?

Values and beliefs:

- How important is [spiritual expression and beliefs](religion.md) to you/them?
- How interested are you/they in [raising children](parenting-babies.md)?
- How [traditional](people-culture.md) are you/they?
  - How important are morality and personal values to you/them?
  - How much do you/they want to be involved in church?
  - What religious beliefs do you/they have and how do they affect day-to-day life?
- How ambitious and driven to [personal success](success-1_why.md) are you/they?
- How much do you/they desire to give back to communities and behave ethically?

Background:

- How healthy a family did you/they come from and how do you/they see their overall [health](body-4_health.md) and [hygiene](people-2_image.md)?
  - How close are you/they to family and how much involvement do they have in life?
- How educated are you/they, and how important do you/they see it?
- How much are they willing to change to have a relationship?
- How many past relationships did you/they have, how did they go, and why did they end?
- What kinds of [friends](people-4_friends.md) do you/they have? Are they healthy?

Age differences:

- An age gap is usually fine, but often comes with a maturity gap.
- Significant age differences have more risks of misunderstood [cultural norms](people-3_respect.md) and others' rejection.
- Younger people have higher risks and benefits:
  - They're usually more attractive, more easily impressed, and often with fewer poor relationship experiences.
  - At the same time, they're often too dependent, demanding, inexperienced, unintelligent, boring, and [unprepared](success-1_why.md) for some of life's challenges.
- Older people are usually great dates:
  - They're often independent and interesting.
  - At the same time, they're frequently jaded about life and a female significantly older than a male can sometimes create power struggles.
- If you don't reciprocate the feelings of an older person flirting with you, politely call them "sir" or "ma'am".

## Date intentionally

When you're ready, start [hunting for dates](relationships-dating-hunt.md).

You're dating to learn, *not* to make lifetime commitments:

- Dating is a shared experiment to see how you and someone else get along.
- Date people you usually wouldn't to further understand who you *would* prefer.

You must have [fun](fun.md) with them:

- You both should *want* to spend time together.
- Your priority is to [make friends](people-4_friends.md), not sexual conquest or fighting loneliness.

Be authentic:

- The most exciting and fun dates come from natural chemistry, which comes from differences.
- If you de-emphasize your quirks, you'll be acceptable to most people, but some people absolutely adore them, and they're your best chances for a long-term relationship.
- Long-term intimacy is impossible if you pretend to be someone else.
- If you have trouble knowing what to say, just say whatever comes into your head.

Focus more on their needs, not yours:

- Think of the relationship as 60/40, not 50/50.
- Learn to meet *their* best interests, *then* watch how they respond.

Set physical standards on how intimate you'll go, since you *will* cross them and will need to back away.

Small issues today will become larger ones in the future, so your ability to wisely and quickly [handle conflicts](people-5_conflicts.md) play a huge part of a successful relationship.

Try to [break from conventional dating](relationships-dating-ideas.md) to discover more about them in less time.

## Observe your date

Your date should be having as much fun as you:

- Romantic relationships are merely high-risk, high-reward [friendships](people-4_friends.md).
- If they can't enjoy things *with* you, even if they don't prefer it, the relationship is already shaky.
- Don't take it personally, since plenty of good people aren't a good fit for you specifically.

On the date, note their body language:

- Stare at their eyes for a few seconds longer than usual to see if they respond.
- Focus more on what they do than what they say.
- Share intimate details and observe their response.
- Note specifically how often they check their phone, look elsewhere, or look uncomfortable.

Don't lie about a future date if you're not interested or unsure:

- They'll have to face your rejection eventually, so earlier is better.
- Saying "We'll see" or "I'll get back to you" is a polite way to say no, though your date probably needs a more direct response.

## Don't trust falling in love

Falling in love is the natural feeling that the person is wholly, thoroughly, utterly perfect for you:

- People usually fail to see when they've fallen in love, especially younger people.
- People often falsely attribute their exciting experiences as coming from the people who shared their experience.
- To find out if you're in love, watch closely how you respond to others' well-reasoned, well-intended criticisms against your relationship.
  - If you give an equally well-articulated response, you're likely in love but using the rest of your brain.
- Without a marriage to make it safe, submitting to the feelings from passionate love is being unreasonable, close-minded, and emotionally reckless.

When we fall in love, we tend to project our feelings onto a stranger but are unaware we're doing it.

Falling in love is a terrible way to make romantic decisions:

- Contrary to popular stories, successful relationships are very rarely "love at first sight".
- In fact, belief in "true love" romance stories has been scientifically proven to give poor relationship success.
- Instead of thinking "I love them" you should be able to say, "I can live with their worst traits for the rest of my life".

Many of the things people do in romantic books and movies [disrespect boundaries](people-3_respect.md), [break laws](legal-safety.md), and destroy [trust](trust.md).

Watch for *any* [warning signs](relationships-dating-warning.md) they may be exhibiting, and run away fast if you see them.

## Relationships have a vague schedule

If they're worth it, stay consistently in touch, but wait 1-2 days before calling again after the first date.

After a week or two, give them gifts to show your affection:

- Make little things for them or show you're thinking of them:
  - Handwritten notes or romantic cards
    - Get two romantic cards and write the inscription from the first card into the second.
  - Flowers or chocolates (for men to women)
  - Put notes or money inside a clear balloon with glitter and inflate it
  - Plot (x^2 + y^2 -1)^3 - x^2*y^3 = 0 on a graph to make a heart
  - Send a heart-shaped pizza to them
- Look at a woman's Pinterest account to find out what she likes.
- Don't give anything too expensive, since it can create an artificial attraction based on the money you're spending on them.

Keep your long-term purpose in mind:

- You're probably not *just* dating to [have fun](fun.md).
- Within 2-3 weeks, you should be discussing more controversial issues like [religion](religion.md) and politics.
- After at least a month, discuss both your past relationships.
- After 2-3 months, discuss thoughts and opinions about [money](money-1_why.md).
- After a few months, bring your date around friends and family to observe their reactions and get their input.
  - Giving constant and immediate relationship updates to all your friends will usually complicate the situation, so keep those updates private to closer friends only.

Your biological clock will probably hasten your schedule:

- You'll make fast relationships from your feelings and impulses, but meaningful relationships always take time.
- The relationship must form naturally, so don't rush it.
  - If you're not going steady with them, keep dating around.
  - If the other person is trying to rush the relationship, they may have control or codependency issues.
- Take the time to get to know their [friends](people-4_friends.md), [values](values.md), family, [faith](religion.md), and anything else you can learn about them.

## End relationships correctly

Leave relationships for good reasons:

- You don't see a future with them.
- They feel more like a burden to you than a benefit.
- One of your lifestyles is changing dramatically from the other.
- They're cheating on you.
  - If you're not sure, send them flowers anonymously and see if they come home without them.

Since a breakup is usually intense, if at all possible do it in person for the sake of your partner:

- By breaking up via text or phone, you're hurting their feelings from it and behaving cowardly.
- Sometimes, they'll try to avoid that uncomfortable conversation.
  - At that point, you tried to resolve the conflict, and they've shown they understand but don't care about your sense of closure.

If they've broken up with you, move on:

- Ignore frustration attraction, where they're even more attractive because they dumped you.
- That person made a decision, and trying to get back in a relationship with them is overstepping your standards.
- You have more worth than being someone else's backup relationship.

Try to avoid as much physical interaction as humanly possible, which may mean [changing jobs](jobs-1_why.md) or [moving](home-moving.md).

Don't have another relationship for at least half a year:

- If you only remember bad things about your ex, you probably haven't gotten over them.
  - It takes 12-18 months to fully get over the brain's romantic chemical state.
  - Multiple relationships significantly alter your brain's wiring and increase the chances of unfaithfulness in the future.
- When you *do* decide to date again, find someone who is precisely the opposite of what you were dating to avoid a "rebound".
- Find support from your friends and family and take the time to heal.

Sometimes, a hopeful romantic relationship can *only* be platonic.

## If you'll *never* find anyone better, marry

A great marriage is *far* less about finding the "right" person than finding someone willing to work at a [relationship](relationships-3_marriage.md) with you:

- When you're in love, you're oblivious to how much that person actually cares.
- Having a life partner is less "finding" and more "making".

Most cultures imply a relationship is a testing ground for marriage:

- It takes 2-4 years to thoroughly get to know someone.
- While a relationship is generally low-commitment, marriage is a major and (hopefully) permanent life decision.
- Don't listen to to the social pressure to marry, since people will push [having children](parenting-babies.md) and [buying a house](home-buy.md) later the same way.

Some cultures expect marriage a few months from meeting, but others expect 3-5 years of dating before even considering it, but you should seriously consider and decide after about a year.

Marriage is a *huge* decision, but always the best one with the right person:

- Marriage is the foundation for a [family](parenting-children.md).
- Society almost always endorses it, and often even gives [tax benefits](money-1_why.md) for it.
- Even when parents don't approve, they'll usually get over it.
- Further, a bad marriage can become a good marriage later if both sides are willing to work at it.

Deciding on marriage has degrees of intention:

1. Let the other person decide.
2. Determine by feelings and sentiments.
   - Fear of being alone and never settling down.
   - Love for someone and desire for what's best for both of you.
3. Following your intuition irrespective of logic or feelings.
   - Spend time becoming [aware](awareness.md) of what you're sensing.
4. Deep, considerate [analysis](logic.md) that weighs out pros and cons.
   - Examine the thoughts that lead to your instincts.
   - Fully understand both the good and bad consequences.
   - Discover non-negotiable lines that they absolutely *must* value, believe, and do to make you [happy](mind-feelings-happiness.md).

Some reasons are *terrible* to get married over:

- You feel you need the other person to live.
- You've spent a long time with them and think life would be easier.
- You don't feel right and imagine a marriage will resolve that unease.
- The other person is wealthy.
- You see a friendship with them forever, but have significant [unresolved issues](people-5_conflicts.md) with them.
- You both share children and want to get married to hide your shame.

If you're sure you want to get married, don't hesitate:

- Weddings [don't cost as much as you might think](relationships-weddings.md).
  - Financially, marriage is cheaper than singleness, at least until [children](parenting-babies.md).
- You'll *never* fully understand that person, so all you need to know is whether they're a decent fit for the rest of your life.
  - While you could theoretically keep looking, you're not getting younger.
  - Both of you [building on that marriage](habits.md) is more important than what you started with.
- If you have [a good relationship](relationships-3_marriage.md), it's always worth it!

If you want to jump-start your marriage, communicate and demonstrate *all* your worst qualities to them *before* you [get married](relationships-weddings.md).