80% of marriage problems can't be fixed, they can only be understood Marriage is a contract -shared assets, mostly -intimacy constraints -shared descisions on large things -shared descisions on children -shared responsibilities possible clauses -emotional support -shared vision -Desires, subconsious JORDAN PETERSON Put Forth Effort In Your Relationship People tend to think all romantic interaction should be spontaneous. If that is your theory and you are going to get married, you might as well just give up right now. When you are married, especially when you have little kids and you both have a job, you are so busy that the probability you are going to find time for spontaneous mutual interaction decreases to zero. So if that is what you are hoping for, then you are never going to have it. What you have to do is make time for each other. When you are dating and establishing the relationship, you put effort into it. You go out for dinner, you dress up to some degree, and you try to present yourself in an acceptable manner. Then, you hope there is going to be a positive consequence, and you are going to find each other attractive. But people somehow think that once they are married, the same amount of effort is not necessary — and that is wrong. In fact, more effort is necessary on the same front. You have to think it through. My rule of thumb regarding how much time to spend together each week for the sake of the intimate element of your relationship is derived from clinical observations: You need to spend 90 minutes talking with your partner each week. That means telling each other about your lives, staying in touch so that you each know what the other is up to, discussing what needs to be done to keep the household running smoothly, and laying out some mutually acceptable vision of how the next week or the next months are going to go. Archive Conversations Sometimes we get impatient when we eagerly wait for someone to respond to a message. To help with patience, try archiving the conversation after your last unanswered question. This will help prevent you from being reminded about the lack of response whenever you open the app. Out of sight, out of mind. Be Positive Sometimes dating can be frustrated. When you meet someone new, try to make your introductions and descriptions positive. With the sheer number of options people are faced with these days, they won't want to spend time on someone who doesn't seem like they're going to bring happiness into their life right off the bat. It's only a problem if you make it a problem Frequently people will lament or worry about traits or habits about themselves that they feel someone else may not like. Weight, height, etc. If the person you're interested in doesn't mention it as an issue, then you shouldn't either. You'll only end up putting a negative opinion into their head when in fact they may have never been thinking about it in the first place. Patience People have lives. When someone returns to a conversation, the last thing they'll want is to be greeted by a wall of self-doubting neuroticism when they had no mal-intentions. Remember, try to always be positive. Facts vs Feelings Win the fight, lose the relationship Try to remind yourself about your bigger goal when you're fighting. The point isn't to win the argument, the point is to make the relationship succeed. The best way to accomplish this is to remind yourself what you really want in the relationship, and not just how you feel at that exact moment. Try to deliberately lose the fight as quickly as possible and you'll find both you and your partner will be able to resolve things more easily. number one indicator of divorce: - they're calmly speaking with each other, but they're tense (i.e., they're speaking to self-protect, NOT to build any sort of relationship) every person in a relationship will eventually find MANY irritating little things about their partner we are taught the wrong thing: that love is meant to be the perfect merger of two lives - live in the same house - eat the same meals together - go to bed and get up at the same time - only have sex with (or even sexual thoughts) about each other - frequently see each other's families - have all their friends in common - think the same thoughts on every topic at every moment it's an impossibly punitive burden of expectation on another person another perspective: relationships are fulfilling for 3 different reasons: 1. kindness - gentle with our imperfections and can tolerate us as we are 2. shared vulnerability - open about anxieties, worries, and problems that throw us off, that we can share in weakness 3. understanding - can make sense of our own mind, and who we can understand in turn we end up feeling loved or satisfied in any other areas if those are in place we'd still likely feel lonely and short on relations even if we knew all the same information together From prison psych Non-negotiables 1. Will we stay married? 2. We must stop labeling each other You are..., you do..., because of... 3. We need couples therapy We will need intervention if this can go anywhere ## divorce [Steps to Marriage Separation Reconciliation | LoveToKnow](https://www.lovetoknow.com/life/relationships/steps-marriage-separation-reconciliation) [The Divorce Process: A Step By Step Guide – Forbes Advisor](https://www.forbes.com/advisor/legal/divorce/divorce-process/) [211 - Dads’ Guide To Divorce: Step 1 - Clarify Your Vision & Direction](https://thinkspot.com/online_content/jude-sandvall/211-dads-guide-to-divorce-step-1-clarify-your-vision-direction/8LujWVO/Event) ## from Lara Elfstrand - completing stress cycles (my video): https://youtu.be/ENSENl5aZR4?si=uVDheEVmsKkbJ9Aj - completing stress cycles (from the authors who wrote the book): https://youtu.be/CyppUSV1FN0?si=VnAH0Mcm_hVySi7O - Stuart Brown's TED talk on play: https://youtu.be/HHwXlcHcTHc?si=_nFv9PSKQKntuJps - Stuart Brown's book on play: https://a.co/d/ia4xt1J - Brene Brown's TED talk on shame is a MUST SEE: https://youtu.be/psN1DORYYV0?si=CWdFtad44wuaUmL7 - Here's a short Brene video on guilt versus shame: https://youtu.be/RSrXxqKfYwI?si=k69GqHyVeXOqke0j - the hand model of the brain: https://youtu.be/f-m2YcdMdFw?si=hb3GE4izii_PEGSM - how to complain about behavior without blaming character: https://youtu.be/bShsyKUFjKE?si=LcJyr0Pquc1vd14x - the four horsemen: https://youtu.be/625t8Rr9o6o?si=jg6ig5ThuTYwy-Uw ## how to cherish a wife Love is about being gracious and altruistic. Cherish is about being enthusiastic and enthralled. Love tends to be quiet and understated. Cherish boasts boldly and loudly. Love thinks about others with selflessness. Cherish thinks about its beloved with praise. Love doesn’t want the worst for someone. Cherish celebrates the best in someone. Love puts up with a lot. Cherish enjoys a lot. The key to cherishing is to STOP COMPARING - don't compare her actions to yours - don't compare her to other women It's not just a matter of loving her, but about enjoying her Let our actions as well as our words show her/him that they are loved, respected and cared for. MENTAL Allow your wife to set your standard of beauty, and make it clear to her that she is secure. Your eyes are only for her. Security breeds confidence. THE PAST Acknowledge past hurts and forgive them SHOWING SUPPORT Surprise your partner by filling up their gas tank Take care of the kids for a day so that she can have a personal spiritual retreat to recharge. Help them Be sensitive to their needs Clean or organize something of yours she finds messy Be an advocate for her rest. Gently help her to evaluate and set limits on her to-do list, reminding her that she loves others best when she takes time to replenish. Be careful and considerate in our language. Learn to give and receive feedback in a way that empowers your partner and your relationship. Acknowledge each other's feelings and the "stories" we tell ourselves without having to defend. Accept your partner's limitations without comparing them to others and making them feel ashamed for where they may fall short. You might need to do a "relationship reckoning" which means: do the things my spouse provide me outweigh the things they don't? If the answer is no - then you might need to walk away. If the answer is yes - then you will likely need to grieve what you are missing and do so in a way that does not involve shaming our partner. CONFLICTS When she messes up, respond with the kind of grace, compassion and mercy that God gives us. Respond in a way that communicates, “You’re safe with me and I’m not going to rehash your failures. This is a secure place for you to grow and I love the journey with you.” MAINTENANCE Put effort into developing feelings of closeness - ask what closeness looks like to her, then try to reproduce those conditions Meet with your partner for a check-in at the end of the year Ask important questions and talk about hard topics Help your partner prioritize rest and self-care Ask your partner how they feel most cherished Gently protect her. Lovingly help her set boundaries with her time, energy, resources, and relationships (kids and mothers-in-law included). PAMPERING/GENEROSITY Plan out a spa day for her Plan out a cute Valentine’s Day surprise Bring your spouse a cup of coffee (or tea) in bed Learn about your partner’s love language When in doubt, work on spending quality time together Make a playlist with songs that specifically encourage things you love about her. SIGNALING Remind yourself that you and your partner are on the same team Let your partner know you’re putting in a conscious effort Talk to your partner about meeting their emotional need Remind your partner how much you value them on a daily basis Leave your partner a love note where they’d least expect it Send them a random text telling them you love them Public display of affection Post on her Facebook wall: “I love being your husband. You still take my breath away.” Have your children write her notes or letters about what they love about her as a mom. Remind her of the amazing impact she has on other people and give specific examples. Take updates Compliment them Do not try to change them Cherish her by sending a text or email, “Praying for you today. Thanks for being so courageous in ________.” Tell her areas she’s gifted in. Don’t stretch the truth: Be honest so she can trust you. EXCLUSIVITY Pay attention when the other is talking. No distractions. Eye contact is affirming and shows loving respect and consideration. Let's have technology free time every day in order to make real time for real connection. Make them feel heard: listen to her sincerely RECOLLECTING Take out your photo album and reminisce about your wedding day Remember how much the little things matter OPENNESS Talk through your budget together. Make sure you both have the resources you need to care for your family well. Esteem the wise financial decisions she makes. This definitely shows you cherish her. Make eye contact with them when they’re talking to you Remember the power of physical touch in a relationship Respect your differences Talk about her fears – both deep and small. Overtime, lead her as you work together to replace those fears with faith in God as expressed in His Word. PHYSICAL Be a student of her body. Ask her, both while you’re in bed and at a completely separate private time, how you can please her sexually and make her feel secure and beautiful. Give her a massage – one that doesn’t lead to sex, unless she’s clear that making love is what she would enjoy most. DATING Choose an activity and time for a date night Be proactive about doing something together that she enjoys. Make a date, get her excited and share her enthusiasm! Play together: Paintball, laser tag, sand volleyball. Have a picnic, go to the drive-in… [15 Real Ways to Honor Your Wife | Paul Chappell](https://paulchappell.com/2015/02/13/15-real-ways-to-honor-your-wife/) [How to Love Your Wife According to the Bible: 13 Steps](https://www.wikihow.com/Love-Your-Wife-According-to-the-Bible) [How to Love Your Wife: 100 Ways to Show Love](https://www.marriage.com/advice/romance/how-to-love-your-wife/) [How to Make Your Wife Feel Special (A Cheat Sheet for Husbands)](https://www.crosswalk.com/family/marriage/how-to-make-your-wife-feel-special-a-cheat-sheet-for-husbands.html) [Cherishing Her Daily: Practical Ways to Show Love to Your Wife -](https://jakijellz.com/relationships/cherishing-her-daily-practical-ways-to-show-love-to-your-wife/) [Three Ways to Cherish Your Wife (Ephesians 5:29)](https://www.scottlapierre.org/ways-to-cherish-your-wife/) [20 Ways to Make your Wife Feel Cherished - Cheat Sheet](https://mikeandsusandawson.com/20-ways-wife-feel-cherished/) [How a Husband Can Nourish and Cherish His Wife](https://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/marriage/staying-married/husbands/nourishing-and-cherishing-your-wife/) [5 Sex Tips To Satisfy Her Like Never Before](https://www.nicknotas.com/blog/sex-tips-for-men/) ## marriage agreements I do...make you a priority. I do...speak to you with kindness. I do...practice integrity when you're not around. I do...choose to honor you. I do...choose make (significant) time for you. I do...decide to stop and listen to you. I do...forgive you as Christ has forgiven me. I do...choose to never give up on you or us. I do...choose put my phone down and have a real conversation with you. ## marriage conflicts men: ask, "Do you want me to give you a solution, or do you want me to listen?" A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers. - Ruth Bell Graham [3 Ways To Respond When Your Partner Triggers You—By A Psychologist](https://www.forbes.com/sites/traversmark/2024/09/08/3-ways-to-respond-when-your-partner-triggers-you-by-a-psychologist/) ## marriage [4 Reminders to Help When Your Marriage is Tough](https://fiercemarriage.com/4-reminders-help-marriage-tough) [5 Phrases Every Wife Needs to Hear Daily - Fierce Marriage](https://fiercemarriage.com/5-phrases-every-wife-needs-hear-often) [5 Types of Apology Language & How To Choose The Right One | mindbodygreen](https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/apology-language) [Fierce Marriage - Build a healthy, Christ-centered marriage](https://fiercemarriage.com/) [3 Ways To Respond When Your Partner Triggers You—By A Psychologist](https://www.forbes.com/sites/traversmark/2024/09/08/3-ways-to-respond-when-your-partner-triggers-you-by-a-psychologist/) [How to Talk About Sex - Fierce Marriage](https://fiercemarriage.com/how-to-talk-about-sex) [John Gottman: The science of love | John Gottman | TEDxVeniceBeach | TED Talk](https://www.ted.com/talks/john_gottman_the_science_of_love) [Even Healthy Couples Fight — the Difference Is How | Julie and John Gottman | TED - YouTube](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nBN9zG1JNPg) [6 Ways to Affair-Proof Your Marriage - Fierce Marriage](https://fiercemarriage.com/6-ways-affair-proof-marriage) [Will These "Magic Questions" Help Your Marriage? (Part 1 of 2) - Fierce Marriage](https://fiercemarriage.com/will-these-magic-questions-help-your-marriage-part-1-of-2) ## tools [DatingPsychos.com - Exposing the Psychos of the World](https://datingpsychos.com/) [Defining the Relationship](https://emotional.codes/dtr/) ## marriage separation Separation is NOT ideal - there's a strange illusion of peace, but it's simply the absence of the current conflict - you never really have peace until it's properly resolved Marriage helper's steps 1. calm down - stop thinking about what they're doing or thinking, and focus on yourself 2. get clarity - you're probably ruminating, but you need to check on what the true core issue is - we need to calm ourselves and truly look at the situation to see what's going on - we may be anxious over things that aren't really part of the issue - work on your "pies" - physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual aspects ## ptsd and relationships 1. look at where you are and where you want to be - you have to move to a higher level than you've accepted - you don't have to be perfect to be ready for love write down PRECISELY and CLEARLY what you want do NOT hedge the desire: you're choosing across millions of potential people that desire should be sensible without rationalization (e.g., marriage with kids) if that desire is higher, think of it as a [success] goal to improve your attractability (e.g., become physically attractive to get better prospects) ### signs and symptoms of childhood ptsd Significantly higher rates of psychological and mood problems ● Trouble with regulating emotions -- angry outbursts, panic ● Depression ● Anxiety ● Increase incidence of other mental illness and personality disorders Difficulty with Relationships ● Cling to relationships or avoid relationships ● High level of conflict with family, friends, community or co-workers ● Fear or depression associated with abandonment ● Pattern of attachment to unavailable, destructive or abusive people Increased prevalence of high-risk behaviors ● Smoking ● Alcohol and drug abuse ● High number sexual partners, unintended pregnancy, abortion ● Eating disorders ● Being violent, and being a victim of violence ● Suicide Higher incidence of cognitive difficulties ● ADHD and learning disabilities ● Memory problems ● Dissociation or “spacing out” ● Dementia Increased rates of physical illness and compromised immune response ● Heart disease ● Obesity ● Metabolic disorder & diabetes ● Migraines ● Cancer ● Autoimmune diseases like thyroid disorders, multiple sclerosis, rheumatoid arthritis, chronic fatigue, lupus, vitiligo ● Increased reproductive disorders like endometriosis, PID ● Increased infections ● Gastrointestinal disorders like irritable bowel syndrome ● Fibromyalgia and chronic pain ● Chronic lung disease ● Stroke ### emergency measures to re-regulate Ten Emergency Measures to Re-Regulate 1. Notice when you are dysregulated! Are you flooding with emotion? Adrenaline? Panic? Say to yourself “I’m having an emotional reaction.” This is a good time to slow down and be gentle with yourself and others, so you don’t say or do something you’ll regret later. 2. Be safe. This is not a good time to drive a car. Pull over and take your time. If what triggered you was an argument, use gentle words to stop the interaction for now, like “I want to continue this conversation, but I need to take a breather to calm down.” Or, if you don’t want to tell the other person that you’re triggered, tell them you need a bathroom break, or if you’re on the phone, say you have a call on the other line. Don’t get into a big discussion about it -- just find a way to put the conversation on pause. 3. Buy some time. Separate from the other person if you can. Go to a room by yourself, even if it’s the bathroom. No one has to know what you’re doing. If it feels urgent, take even longer before you try to resolve anything. 4. Stamp your feet. You’d be amazed how helpful it is to bring yourself back into present time, in your body. As you stamp each foot, say quietly to yourself "right" "left" "right" "left.” This helps your brain begin to re-regulate. 5. Take ten deep breaths, focusing particularly on the out breath. 6. Press your tongue to the back of your teeth. This is a strategy to get back in your body. 7. Sit down, and feel the weight of your butt in the chair. This is another strategy to get back inside your body. 8. Eat something. When you’re stressed, you’ll probably crave carbs and sugar, but it’s protein foods that will help you get grounded again. 9. Wash your hands, and feel the water and soap on your hands. Warm water is particularly calming. 10. Get a good, squeezing hug. If no one is around, press your back into a corner and wrap your arms around yourself so you can feel pressure all around your torso. We’re wired to calm down when we’re hugged! ### patterns of self-defeating behaviors Neglect of body – Inappropriate or shabby clothes, poor hygiene, neglect of physical exercise. Avoidance of medical and dental care, self-harm. Blame - Difficulty seeing one’s own role in problems, victim thinking, bitterness, slandering others, belief that all problems the result of a country, a race, racism itself, sexism, foreigners, a political party, religion, lack of religion, certain foods, your parents, etc. Black & white thinking - drawn to extreme views, groups, authority figures, belief systems, often outraged at the news. Loss of freedom to disagree or step back from conflict. Dominating others, slandering others, cutting off contact friends, family or people outside your group. Numbing with substances, relieving stress with alcohol, drugs. Taking more/different medication than prescribed. See also food, media. Addictive use of food - carb binging, unhealthy weight, eating disorders, obsession with “correct” eating. Addictive use of media/entertainment, TV, social media, internet and games enough to interfere with sleep, meals, daily routine, family responsibilities, work, school, finances. Dishonesty - exaggerating, hiding important personal truths or preferences, lying, stealing, infidelity, tax evasion, illegal activity. Work problems - chronic adversarial relationships with employers & coworkers, unfulfilling work, under-earning, neglect of learning/skill development, periods of unemployment, suing or getting sued. Irritability - frequent arguments, falling out with friends, neighbors, partners, family, ranting, rage, mistreating others, revenge, violence. Attraction to troubled partners/friends - repeatedly drawn into relationships that turn out to be abusive, controlling, damaging to other relationships, family and finances. Claiming others are abusive, narcissistic, etc. but staying in the relationship. Rationalizing why staying is necessary. Unfulfilling romantic life - no dating relationships, staying in bad relationships, creating/staying in sexless or loveless partnership. Abuse of Sexuality - overly sexualized appearance and conduct. Loss of dignity, emotional security or the ability to be "real" around sex and relationship dynamics, doing things one doesn't want to do, or that make one feel ashamed. Unwanted pregnancy, compulsive behavior around sex. Fantasy (romantic, financial) - a flight from reality when things are tough, not really "here," not in touch with reality. Failure to take reasonable action, huge, unrealistic expectations and promises, inflating the importance of relationships, events, personal attributes, prospects. Obsession, stalking, neglect of health, work, family. Avoidance of people, responsibility, participation - isolating, "social anorectic," can sometimes do this as a couple or group, avoiding all others. Debting - living beyond means to pay for home, car, therapy, etc. Growth of debt, gambling, foreclosure, bankruptcy, homelessness, vague sense of the path toward solvency. Repeating traumatic patterns - seeming inability to detect trouble or step back when trouble appears -- relapse into traumatized state, triggering deepening of depression, rage, collapse, reversion to old behaviors. ### attraction to unavailable or inappropriate people Was married or in a serious relationship with someone other than me, while we were together? Wanted to keep our relationship secret Was alcoholic or had an addiction Was not in love with me Was emotionally not there for me Had serious drama that stood in the way of our relationship (for example, a feud with an ex) Insisted on seeing other people, even though that’s not what you wanted Would not commit to you, even though that’s what you wanted Was not aware of your love for them (“just friends”) Caused you to feel ashamed that you were with such an inappropriate person NOTE: when we put up with bad behavior, we're emotionally unavailable - we don't realize it, but we're cutting ourselves off from more meaningful relationships and connections there are many reasons why this may be the case: it's possible that our flawed parenting can predispose us to bad attractions it's also possible we're repeating our childhood experiences to see if we can "fix" it it may make us so disconnected that ANY connection will hijack our entire central nervous system we may be thinking that only unhealthy people would ever accept us for who we are traumatized people have an unconscious language they share with each other though, they'll ping-pong their trauma back-and-forth even when we crave unavailable people, we ourselves were unavailable, and we'll consciously say we want commitment but will unconsciously choose a partner that won't have much in the emotional connection department we may enjoy getting hurt ("masochism") or love risk, but it's more that we're often going into relationships completely blind TO AL HARDSHIP however, it doesn't matter WHY, and all that matters is that we create structures that support us toward what we want you never really have to figure out WHY, and simply need to know WHAT, and then what to do to make it stop ### fitting ourselves to bad things codependence - we find someone with problems, then conform ourselves to them they become a project for us to revolve our lives around, which is easy to do when we have no structure of our own this can work for a time, since that person will be fine with it, up until they find it adverse, then they'll push away justifying - stating that if you leave, bad things will happen we imply that we need to do something psychologizing - a type of justifying based on psychological diagnoses we're basically counting on someone who cannot commit fantasizing - imagining things in our mind as a type of escape it will either attract people who are also fantasizing, or people whose prefer that someone's soul is not really there mysticizing - making a religious basis to justify bad behavior past lives, astrology, soul mates, etc since relationships are very much a day-to-day experience, they must exist in a day-to-day way "I'm experiencing things I'm meant to learn" "I cheated on them in a past life, so I'm now experiencing what they experienced" if they're a soul mate, they're a mate to every part of you ### intimacy triggers Getting attention Being ignored Being loved Not being loved Being IN love Being reminded of past relationships or hurts Being reminded of past abuse Fear of abandonment Sharing money, friends, responsibilities, space Partner’s anger Feeling embarrassed by partner Fighting with partner Feeling not good enough for partner We have to be our authentic selves - it's not uncommon for us to have past trauma that forces us to place a false persona outwardly to others ### unacceptable people and situations Did I try to “help” someone who was capable of helping themselves? Did I financially support someone where this was not deserved or appropriate? Did I tolerate addiction/alcoholism in my partner, to a degree that damaged my own life? Did I tolerate emotional abuse (threats, name-calling, making a scene in public) Did I allow myself to be controlled? Did I tolerate disrespectful behavior like cheating, public intoxication, verbal abuse? Did I tolerate physical abuse? Did I allow my partner to keep me apart from friends and family, or disrupt my career? Did I spiritualize or mysticise or use magical thinking to convince myself our relationship was more real than it was? Did I fantasize about someone unavailable to me, to the point it interfered with relationships, or other parts of my life? ### your role in problems Blame my parents for problems that were at least partly caused by me? Blame a partner for problems where, when I’m honest, I shared responsibility? Verbally or emotionally abuse a partner (for example, name calling, making threats, making a scene in public) Physically hurt a partner? Hide my role in creating problems, in order to make a partner feel guilty, or to prove a point? Neglect my physical health (avoiding healthcare, dental care, using drugs/alcohol to a harmful degree, let myself go in terms of hygiene) Fall into black and white thinking, judging people as all good or all bad Lie to partners, friends, employers, the government, etc., Gravitate toward unfulfilling or poorly paid jobs, believing somehow others would solve this problem for me? Use lawsuits or restraining orders frivolously, in order to retaliate against perceived hurts? Falsely accuse someone (even a public figure) of a crime, or gossiped about them, that hurt their reputation? Fail to stand up for myself at critical moments? Lose my temper in a way that later made me feel ashamed? Avoid people and normal levels of participation in groups or community? Use sex or aggression or provocative behavior to manipulate anyone or push them to do things they didn’t want to do? Allow myself to fall into debt, when it could have been avoided, or when common sense actions could get me out? Repeat the same mistakes without knowing why? Assume responsibility for things that are NOT my fault, just to feel some control over those problems? Hear from people close to me that they feel I take advantage of them? Expect too much of myself to a point that I never knew what is my fault and what is not? Fear what I’d have to face, and what I’d have to do, if I took responsibility for my mistakes? We can have trouble with relationships from several angles Hiding - pulling away from everything Escaping - can be ANY [substance], really Clinging - overly enmeshed with someone Controlling - trying to make someone do something can also be subtle, such as yelling at people or calculating ### fear of being alone Hooked up with, lived with or married someone I didn’t really want to be with, just to avoid being alone? Stayed in relationships where I wasn’t loved or respected, just to avoid being alone? Suffered from fear of abandonment to an unhealthy degree? Fell into an “abandonment depression,” where being left caused a negative mental state way out of proportion to the situation, or to what other people seem to experience? Have never lived alone? Fill my time with “busy-ness”, or activities I don’t actually enjoy, just to avoid being alone? what to do if this fear exists: 1. work on re-regulation muscles 2. seriously build connections with people EVERYWHERE - we're part of a web of people, and are very social - the partner should never be the end-all and be-all of our lives 3. make a list of 25 things you can do alone ### steps to take we must take our own responsibility for our problems - many of our problems are NOT self-created, but we've inherited it - it's a "debt" we are responsible to pay off, and will live with that debt's consequences until we pay it off addictions have a tendency to "stick" with others - there are MANY resources for most [addictions] it's not uncommon to have hate - hate comes from generalized statements that arise in the presence of other issues we must get our act together to clear the decks - this must come from a sincere approach to find closure together ### how to break up some people get into lopsided relationships where one person doesn't like the other - the one who has feelings get an object of their affections - the one without feelings gets adoring, caring attention you're trading the benefits of availability for the short-term emotional attachment that goes nowhere “I wanted to talk to you about our friendship. I have the sense that there’s some attraction on your part, and though I really like you and value your friendship, I don’t have those kinds of feelings for you. It’s not your fault. You’ve done nothing wrong. I’m working on cleaning up my life and my relationships, because I want to one day be in a healthy relationship, and it’s made me realize I need to end our friendship. I’m sorry.” also be honest about your feelings with them: “I want to talk about our friendship. When I’m honest with myself, I notice that I’ve always had an attraction to you, but I know that’s not the way you feel about it. And that’s fine. I’ve been working on my capacity to have better relationships and I’ve realized that as much as I love having you as a friend, it’s kind of “using up” the part of me that needs to be emotionally available. It’s not your fault! You’ve done nothing wrong. But I’ve come to the realization that I need to end our friendship so I can move on.” avoid criticizing, blaming, or shaming them whatsoever For partners who have treated you well, but it’s just not a match: ● Remember that they deserve communication and honesty, even if it is gentle. ● Take into consideration how long you’ve been dating, and how close the relationship is. ● If you’ve been dating less than about six months, this need only be a single conversation. ● I recommend breaking up in person, unless you’ve only been dating a very short time. ● The best place to meet is in a public place where no one can make a scene, but not so public that there’s no privacy. ● Let the person know that you are breaking up with them first thing in the conversation. You do need to give them a reason, but give the minimal amount of information so that they can understand why. ● Be kind but be clear. Avoid criticizing, blaming or shaming the other person. ● Don’t leave it open-ended, even if it seems like this will make it easier. ● If they are upset, it’s OK to hug them, but make it quick and “cool.” Don’t send mixed signals. ● Limit the conversation to 20 or 30 minutes. ● If it’s a relationship that’s gone on longer 3-6 months, you might follow the initial conversation with a phone planned phone call a few days later, once they’ve had a chance to process what’s happened. ● Don’t agree to get together in person unless it’s necessary to exchange belongings (if you must do that, consider bringing a friend along with you). ● Don’t get sucked into taking care of them. Don’t suggest you will stay friends, or give them hope. ● When it’s done, don’t call or text them, and don’t invite them to gatherings, or go where you will see them (not initially, anyway). ● If you’ve been living with the person, you can adapt the rules as best you can. Set up your next living situation in advance, so that you can make your exit as soon as possible after you’ve informed them that you’re breaking up. Let them know of your decision, and go stay somewhere else until the day when you can remove your things. Don’t stick around living together until the month is up and your new place is ready. ● Pay your share of the rent for at least a month or two, and then get assistance removing your things; don’t do it by yourself. If you can arrange openly to do this while your ex is out of the house, that is a lot easier on them. Be fair and generous in terms of what you leave behind. If you are leaving someone who has behaved hurtfully toward you (e.g. cheating, addiction): ● Limit communication, but don’t ghost them. Likewise, don’t unload on them or berate them. ● Get help to remove your things, pay rent for one month if you choose to, and then don’t look back. ## Gottman Four Horsemen emotional bank account keep investing into it in small, little ways it leads to issues: criticism the cure is to complain about behavior, but without criticizing character "When you do X, I feel..." contempt - air of superiority create a culture of appreciation when you see something nice, say it stonewalling it's a type of "flight" response take a break, at least 20 minutes to calm down pursuer-distancer model of dysfunction can happen defensiveness take responsibility for your part of the problem regular family meeting is necessary - include appreciation - give the opportunity to look back and talk about repair over the prior week - open up the discussion to work through any misunderstandings or hurt feelings over the past week - discuss possible things that would be good for everyone to work on The Six Hours A Week To A Better Relationship emerson eckridge - male/female how play shapes the brain - stuart brown hand model of the brain - on YT gottman - love map two-person journal for partners healthy kids happy kids - lisa song ## meant for marriage You Were Not Meant For Marriage If sex doesn’t matter to you, marriage isn’t for you. In marriage, sex is not optional - it’s core. If you don’t want sex, seek support from friends and relatives, and consider adopting children. If you want to keep your money separate, stay single. Marriage is a shared vision, shared wallet, and shared sacrifice. You can’t pay bills like roommates and expect the full rewards of marriage. If you love your parents and children more than your spouse, marriage will feel like a burden. Your partner must come first. If not, live with your parents and raise your children there. If you can’t listen, stay alone. Marriage is not ruled by one voice. It’s built by two humble hearts that listen to each other. Know-it-alls depress their partner. Humility holds love together. If you’re not correctable, stay single. If you can’t say “I’m sorry,” you can’t live with anyone. Marriage is not for the proud. Marriage is for people who own up their mistakes and apologize. Dr. K. N. Jacob ## making amends [How to Make Amends: Rebuild Connections with Loved Ones](https://www.wikihow.com/Make-Amends) [Why Making Amends Is So Important | Psychology Today](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/what-the-wild-things-are/202107/why-making-amends-is-so-important) [Ready to Make Amends? Here’s How to Do It Gracefully - goop](https://goop.com/wellness/relationships/how-to-make-amends/) [Marriage Helper | Save Your Marriage | Strengthen Families](https://marriagehelper.com/) - $99/mo, waiting on Tori [Marriage Helper](https://members.marriagehelper.com/offers/LKfAoMRm/checkout?coupon_code=YOUTUBE) ## done for now A few courses I haven't taken: - Dr. John Gottman's The Art and Science of Love (https://www.gottman.com/product/the-art-and-science-of-love-online/). I saw the following and wish to honor it, though I already paid for the course: - The Art & Science of Love Online course and manual are provided for general educational purposes only. If you or a family member are experiencing personal or family problems such as physical or sexual abuse, active alcoholism, or drug addiction, child abuse, mental illness, or serious depression, especially if suicide is a concern, we urge you to seek professional treatment immediately and only consider using this online workshop and manual with the consultation and support of a trained mental health professional. - I'd be happy to explore it once it gets approved by a psychological professional. - Spark My Relationship (https://sparkmyrelationship.com/) from something similar: - The course is not suitable if there is violence, abuse or infidelity in your relationship, or a recent history of such occurrences. Such issues require more direct assistance from a professional than what our course is able to provide. My marriage had the same breakdown as my dad's and probably everyone's: 1 life is a Shakespeare sonnet 2 life gets rhythmic 3 one partner stops responding the same to something 4 other partner stops initiating 5 the responding partner suspects issues, sex life collapses 6 friction persists until something breaks 7 life is a Greek tragedy