# How to plan for weddings

A few hundred years ago, nearly *all* non-royalty marriages were done in someone's backyard with close family present.

At its simplest, getting married is still relatively cheap:

1. Get rings online for ~$30-40 each (more about that below).
2. Pay ~$100 to the courthouse and use their court-designated officiator.
3. Pay whatever administration fees to get marriage licenses printed and name changes.

- If you *do* want a large wedding, they only last one day, but wedding [debt](money-2_debt.md) can last for years.

## Proposing

Propose a few months to a year beforehand:

- Even if the venue is a surprise, you should both know the proposal is coming before you do it.
  - If she says "no", *seriously* reconsider the entire [relationship](relationships-why.md).
- Men traditionally propose to women, but every marriage proposal should come from the person who tends to have more authority over decisions.
- Make sure, if you're buying the rings, you know *exactly* what your fiancée/fiancé wants.
  - Since this will be the first of many financial decisions together, [discuss the costs](money-3_budget.md) with them.
- If you'd prefer to, record the wedding proposal without them knowing.

Wedding rings are usually over-priced:

- The "1-6 months of your income" rule was a De Beers jewelry marketing campaign from a few hundred years ago.
- In fact, wedding rings weren't even a marriage tradition 300 years ago.
- Learn the 4 C's:
  - Cut - shape
  - Carat - size
  - Clarity - purity
  - Color
- Since they mark up prices simply from their [brand](marketing.md), avoid mainstream diamond retailers.
- Stylish rings sell for less than $100 because diamonds have no intrinsic market value.
  - One additional advantage of cheap rings is that they're conveniently replaceable.
- Consider diamond alternatives:
  - Outside of jewelry experts, cubic zirconium and diamonds are completely indistinguishable.
  - Lab-grown diamonds are even more difficult to distinguish from mined diamonds.
  - Moissanite (silicon carbide) is brighter than diamonds.
- Consider setting alternatives:
  - Most of the time, you can get a cheaper metal as the setting with no visible difference.
  - Tungsten is *much* more durable than most other metals, and is often cheaply made.
- Whatever you choose, buy the rings with cash to [haggle more easily](money-4_spending.md).
- An engagement and wedding ring combo usually costs less than individual rings.

## Setting a date

Set a date and time:

- Avoid peak season by setting it in November, January, March, or February outside of Valentine's Day.
- Setting a nearer date makes weddings quicker and lower-stress, but a far-off day gives you the advantage of seasonal sales.
- Instead of Saturday, set it on Friday or Sunday or consider a weekday.
- Set the wedding in the afternoon instead of the evening.
- Make a daytime reception and serve lunch or brunch instead of dinner.
- Make the event three hours long instead of five or six.
- Make the reception *after* the ceremony and honeymoon to make the experience more casual.

Ask potential wedding party members whether they can participate on the wedding day.

## Preliminary plans

Stay [organized](organization.md) with a checklist and itinerary.

Set a budget:

- Work out a [budget](money-3_budget.md) for the wedding and [honeymoon](fun-vacations.md) that doesn't go too far into [debt](money-2_debt.md).
  - Wedding costs often go up proportionally to how much time between the proposal and the wedding.
  - Most of your expenses will be on others' services, specifically the food, drinks, and venue.
  - Expensive weddings are *always* more stressful than cheaper ones.
- Consider eloping if [money](money-1_why.md) is more important to you than [reputation](people-3_respect.md).
  - Try a middle ground by eloping for the ceremony with a giant reception on a different day.
- To avoid complicating the discussions, only discuss the budget between the two of you before bringing anyone else in.
- Make a list of must-have things.
  - Clarify any necessary venues, decorations, or food that one of you insists on.
- Stick to that budget and try to lower the price on *everything* that isn't a must-have.

Make a guest list:

- Cutting down the guest list, for any part of the wedding, is the easiest way to save money.
  - Bear in mind that only 70-90% of the invited guests will attend, but many will bring a partner.
- Write a list of all possible guests, then prioritize essential guests.
  - Categorize them if you need (his friends, her family, his work, etc.)
  - If you *really* need to, create a mind-map (write each name randomly on a piece of paper, then draw lines to connect them).
  - Make clear rules for invitations to prevent the list from growing too large.
- Invite people who matter to you, not people you feel obligated to invite.
- Calculate the ideal guest range if a venue gives a per-person discount above a certain number.

## Planning the venue and services

Make, borrow, rent or buy used when you can:

- Shop around, compare prices, and get [creative](mind-creativity-how.md) for *everything*.
  - Decorations.
  - [Food](cooking.md), [drinks](fun-alcohol.md), desserts, snacks.
  - Tuxedo and bridal gown, headpiece, veil, gloves, shoes, and jewelry.
  - Bridal party's and groomsmen's outfits.
- Look on social media (especially image boards) for ideas.
- Most stores give enormous discounts on discontinued items.
- When hunting for anything, pay a fraction of the cost by *never* using the word "wedding" with the vendor.

Plan venues for everything:

- Have a plan in mind for the whole experience:
  - Wedding reception
  - Wedding ceremony
  - Honeymoon
  - Bachelor/bachelorette parties
  - Wedding rehearsal after-party
- If you are or know a member of a community organization, you might have access to its venue:
  - Military venues
  - Colleges
  - Churches
  - Community centers
- Avoid conventional locations like nice hotels or mansion courtyards.
- To avoid billable vendor travel time, make the reception and ceremony venues at the same location.
  - Consider a package deal that combines the wedding, reception, and honeymoon venues to save on venue fees.
- Cut down on decorating with a naturally pleasant venue.
- Consider a non-traditional venue that would need tables, toilets, or a kitchen brought in:
  - City-run locales like zoos, civic gardens, and parks
  - Historical sites
  - Favorite restaurants
  - Somewhere personally significant
  - Rural areas not marketed for weddings
- Consider adapting the venue's atmosphere:
  - Make a more laid-back atmosphere like a picnic or brunch.
  - Avoid seat rentals with a standing ceremony, but leave a few seats for the elderly or frail.
- Avoid decorating hastily by showing up at the venue a few days before the wedding day.
- Confirm parking and transportation logistics.
- Schedule a rehearsal time.

Research wedding services:

- Take advantage of the bridal party's, friends', and family's talents.
- Try to avoid high-cost wedding services:
  - Professional calligraphers or painters
  - A destination wedding in a scenic vacation location
  - Specific elements of the ceremony that require additional professional work
- Determine the wedding professionals you'll need, get bids, and sample their work that matches your theme and style:
  - Wedding planner or consultant
    - Get a day-of coordinator instead of a wedding planner.
  - Florist
  - Photographer or videographer
  - Wedding coordinator
  - Officiating pastor
    - If you're not religious, make the officiant a friend willing to get ordained for the occasion.
  - Ushers
  - DJ or musicians
  - Caterers
- Some vendors are willing to travel for no cost, so search beyond your region.
- Ask the venue if they have any preferred vendors that give a referral discount.
- Talk to former brides to find ways to save.
- Look on classified sites like [Craigslist](http://www.craigslist.org/).
- [Negotiate](people-conflicts-negotiation.md) with *everyone*.
  - Use a non-wedding price for their service as your baseline cost.
  - During the consultation with service providers, don't look too trusting.
  - Look for sales and discounts by signing up for vendor newsletters and following them on social media.
  - Request discounts for referrals, feedback or bundled services.
- Examine the fine print on each of the contracts for termination clauses, hidden costs or special conditions.
  - To compensate for overtime charges, book an extra hour than you expect.
- Try to get bundled services when possible.
  - Get videos with the photographer.
  - Hire the music for both the ceremony and reception.
- If you know other couples getting married, try sharing costs by coordinating weddings on the same day at a different time.
- Cut down the billable rate or time:
  - Cut assistants from the package.
  - Find a good servicer's associate/assistant that charges less.
  - Consider hiring a photography/film school student.
  - Ask a professional videographer to edit amateur footage.
  - Ask for raw videos/photos and edit them yourself.
- Save on photography/video:
  - Give out disposable cameras for the guests to take photos for you.
  - Make a contest online for the best guest's photo submission.
  - Only keep the videographer for necessary video work.
  - Ask for digital-only photography, then print them later yourself.
- Save on music:
  - Stay local to avoid the band's travel expenses.
  - Make a limited engagement of the reception alone and play a recording for the ceremony.
  - Hire a string quartet from a local music conservatory or a classical music teacher.
  - Scale down the band's size and use staging tricks to give more presence.
  - Hire a singer who plays an instrument instead of a group.
  - Hire a DJ instead of a performer.
  - Get an entry-level DJ or hobbyist.
  - Have friends email song requests to you and make a playlist.
  - Set up a karaoke machine.

Wedding invites and stationery:

- Plan for all your stationery needs:
  - Save the Date notices
  - Wedding invites (usually 1-2 months before the wedding)
  - Ceremony programs
  - Menu cards
  - Escort cards
  - Cards with the wedding favors
- Send out Save the Date notices, then send invites later.
- Email the save-the-dates or use an online RSVP system.
- Try a video save-the-date.
- Save on paper:
  - Look for stationery package deals.
  - If you can get a bulk discount, order thank you notes from the same place as the wedding invites.
  - Instead of magnets or other elaborate invitations, send save-the-date postcards.
  - Use single-page or trifold invites to save on postage and paper.
- Make them yourself if you can.
  - For the envelopes, practice calligraphy instead of hiring a calligrapher.
  - Use laser or thermographic printing to make stationery yourself.
- Upgrades like colored ink and foil stamping dramatically increase costs.
- To avoid wasting paper, proofread three times over.
- Instead of paper programs during the ceremony, make a large one at the venue.
- Double the photo booth as the guest book by buying a digital camera or camera instant printer with a volunteer running it.
- Send a wedding invitation to the President to get a congratulatory letter from him and the First Lady.

Wedding registry:

- Set up a honeymoon registry with a retailer or an independent online service.
- Fill the gift registry with things you *want* to get.
- Make multiple registries to give guests a wider selection of choices to save money.
- Instead of gifts, direct guests to give toward the down payment on a house.

Bachelor/bachelorette parties, bridal shower, and wedding rehearsal:

- Make the rehearsal dinner a shrimp boil to cut down on utensils.
- Have afternoon tea, brunch, or backyard barbecue instead of a rehearsal dinner.
- Make the rehearsal dinner a casual or social group activity.
- Limit the party to a one-day event.
- Instead of a fancy event, do something more [fun](fun.md) like paintball, go-karts, stand-up comedy or a spa day.
- Bring food yourself and have the event at home instead of at a hotel.

Flowers and decorations:

- Check if the venue is already decorated.
- Shop off-season for decor:
  - Black vases after Halloween
  - Pink vases after Valentine's Day
  - Green decor after Christmas
- Get decorations in the party and home decorations section of big-box department stores.
- Flower selection:
  - Use more greenery than flowers and include non-florals like lanterns, fruits, and vegetables.
  - Swap out expensive flowers (e.g., peonies) for less expensive ones (e.g., roses).
  - Only buy local flowers in season.
  - Stick to 1-2 kinds of flowers.
  - Pad out the arrangements with carnations.
  - Grow succulents and other flowers yourself as displays and favors.
  - Use artificial flowers instead of real ones.
- Flower arrangements:
  - Have a florist only arrange the most photographed flowers and self-arrange the rest.
  - Buy the flowers wholesale, then pay a florist to arrange them.
  - Go to a flower farmer instead of a florist.
  - Save on florist fees with straightforward arrangements (e.g., avoid cascades).
  - Avoid buying flowers on high-demand days near Easter, Mother's Day, Valentine's Day, and prom season.
  - Hollow out fruits and vegetables as inexpensive vases.
  - Use mismatched arrangements to fill in gaps.
  - Reuse the ceremony flowers for the cake table.
  - Combine the bridesmaids' bouquets into a centerpiece or for the bar and escort table.
- Centerpieces:
  - Get larger tables to use fewer centerpieces and tablecloths.
  - Opt for very few or non-plant centerpieces.
    - Gather branches and put them in vases.
    - Frame artistic photographs or personal photos.
    - Place shells, candelabras, or dessert.
- Place settings:
  - If it fits your theme, try wooden silverware.
  - Avoid assorted stemware to cut down on glasses.
  - Skip individual place cards or printed menus on the tables.
    - Or, print the guest's names *onto* the menus.
    - Some venues will print the menus for you.
  - Get more photographs by setting disposable cameras on the tables.
  - Use fabric poms, bubbles, sparklers, or flower petals instead of rice.
- Favors:
  - Make wedding favors or favor packaging yourself.
  - Place a handwritten note and a bulk-purchased bottle of wine instead of a large welcome bag.
  - Buy the favors in bulk or wholesale instead of with vendors.
  - Give out one favor per couple, or double the favors as escort cards.
  - Give useful favors to avoid people wasting them.
  - Skip wedding favors and place a bowl of candy in the center with a notice.
  - Make the wedding cake the favors.
  - Instead of favors, give a card indicating that you've donated to a charity with a certain amount.

Outfits and stylists:

- Where to buy:
  - Wedding outfits must only look good for several hours, so prioritize appearance over quality.
  - Bridal store samples are often in excellent condition.
  - Designers hold annual sales and sample sales with extreme markdowns.
  - Rent or borrow a dress.
  - Buy a dress through an online auction or discount gown retailer.
  - Secondhand dresses are usually only worn once.
  - Check out trunk shows for dresses.
- To be original, don't get a traditional dress:
  - Convert a standard dress into a wedding dress with a vibrant sash, wrap, or piece of jewelry.
  - Look at independent designers for wedding dresses.
  - If the dress isn't a priority, consider a white bridesmaid's gown or off-the-rack white gown.
- Get or make the dress nearer to the wedding date.
- Buy shoes from outlet malls or discount department stores.
- Let the bridesmaids have mismatched dresses with a color and style requirement.
- Get an affordable hairstyle:
  - Hire a recommended student from a reputable cosmetology school.
  - Find a hairstylist friend who can help out as a wedding present.

Food and drinks:

- Provider:
  - Instead of an official caterer, get catering from culinary schools.
  - Instead of formal catering, try food from food trucks or large-scale takeout from a restaurant.
  - Try to negotiate children's meals out from the service cost.
- Selection:
  - Instead of a five-course meal, cut it down to three courses.
  - Skip the dinner table bread basket.
  - Have an entrée duet to avoid more administrative work from RSVP either-or selections.
  - Serve one meat entrée with less expensive secondary options.
  - Substitute expensive food ingredients for cheaper ones.
  - Limit the attendees' options to cut down on preparation time and costs.
  - Serve fun and affordable comfort foods like barbecue chicken, mac and cheese, and corn.
  - Skip the meal altogether and make it an appetizer, tea and snacks reception or a candy buffet.
  - Create a potluck wedding instead of wedding gifts.
- Serving:
  - Instead of hiring servers, have the attendees serve themselves.
  - Serve a buffet instead of a sit-down multi-course meal.
  - Keep boxes to store the leftover desserts.
- Drinks:
  - Skip the champagne toast, use non-alcoholic sparkling cider, or use whatever the attendee is drinking.
  - If the guests don't drink much, ask for alcohol as it's used instead of a flat rate.
  - Offer beer, wine, and a signature cocktail or just beer and wine instead of a full bar.
  - Bring store-bought alcohol to the venue.
  - Add plenty of non-alcoholic beverages to lower alcohol costs.
  - Create a few signature cocktails instead of premixed drinks.
  - Cut down the bar to only a few hours of the event.
  - Leave bottles on the table instead of a bar.
  - Have servers pour wine instead of bottles on the table.
  - Cut out drinks entirely.
- Cakes:
  - Don't go to a wedding cake specialist.
  - Hire a baker, an online vendor, or go to an ethnic bakery.
  - The top layer is traditionally for the couple's one-year anniversary, so you're free to remove it if you'd prefer.
  - Use one cake/filling flavor to avoid the varying cost from different types.
  - Use unstacked instead of tiered cakes.
  - Use simple cake styles to cut down on decorating costs.
  - Use cheesecake instead of traditional wedding cake.
  - Use buttercream or cream cheese frosting instead of fondant.
  - Keep the add-ons simple and add the finishing touches yourself.
  - Decorate with fresh flowers instead of sugar flowers.
  - Skip the exotic fillings like guava and mango and use seasonal fruit or no filling.
  - Make cupcake wedding cakes instead of one big cake.
  - Change the cake out for a dessert buffet with pastries, cakes, brownies and other sweets.
  - Order a small one or two-tiered cake and then supplement with a huge sheet cake hidden in the back.

Venue transportation:

- Get a limousine instead of a stretch SUV.
- Have as few stops as possible for the limo driver.
- Have the whole party meet for pickup at one location.
- Have the wedding party drive themselves or hire only one bridal car.
- Get rid of the limo altogether:
  - Hire a private chauffeur to drive your car.
  - Have a friend drive you.

Honeymoon destination:

- Plan the vacation well in advance to save on costs.
- Consider original and unique honeymoon escapes.
  - Make the honeymoon a road trip or a camping trip.
- Book the vacation at a nearby location or an off-season destination.
- Learn [to have a great vacation](fun-vacations.md) to have fun.
- If you tell the hotel you're staying at that you're on a honeymoon, they might give a free bottle of wine.

## The wedding day and onward

During the wedding:

- Stay on time throughout the wedding day to avoid the service workers incurring overtime charges.
- A wedding is supposed to be one of the [happiest](mind-feelings-happiness.md) days of your life, so make sure you're having [fun](fun.md), or you're wasting your [money](money-1_why.md).

After the wedding:

- Sell the things you don't need, especially anything that will go out of style in a decade.
- As you consolidate your possessions with them, sell anything you have duplicates of.
- Make a joint bank account together and make it the primary paycheck cashing account for both of you.
  - If you can't trust each other with money, you're on the way to a divorce.
- Make a First Fight Box:
  1. Put handwritten love letters to each other with a bottle of wine.
  2. Seal the box on the wedding day.
  3. Open the box after the first marital fight.
  4. Both sides read their letters in a corner, then enjoy wine together.
- Change every public record to your new last name.
- Send out [thank you cards](language-writing.md) for the wedding.
- Memorialize and archive the marriage ceremonies.
- Combine both your possessions into one home.